


Sauna Island

by DenLillaStory



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Angst, Desert Island, M/M, Survival, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-01-09 18:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 76,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1149404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DenLillaStory/pseuds/DenLillaStory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On his way to Australia, after horrible Friday dinner at Leilas, Sauli's plane crashes in the Pacific. When the world thinks no one survived, he is rescued to a desert paradise island with a mysterious girl from his flight. There begins a game of survival - in physically and mentally.</p><p>Will he escape from the island?</p><p>And how will Adam take the news of Sauli's accident?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vittu tätä päivää!

Sauli’s POV:

Vittu tätä päivää.  
It was all I could think at the moment.

It was not enough that I had almost overslept this morning and been late from an important meeting.

It was not enough that because of it I had no time to eat any breakfast.

It was not enough that the meeting just dragged on and on for hours because my producer couldn’t decide what she wanted. Not even what she wanted for lunch!  
Asshole.

It was not enough that when I finally got back home after sitting an hour and half in a fucking traffic jam I had only an hour time to get myself ready before my taxi would come to pick me up to the airport. 

It was not enough that a lock of my new luggage got broken and so I had to pack my stuff to my old one which was…surprisingly…smaller than the newer one.

It was not enough that then I had to wait a million years for my taxi to come. 

It was not enough that when the taxi finally came…being 30 minutes late…surprise…we got stuck in a traffic jam…another surprise.  
Have I ever told how much I HATE LA Highways? ALWAYS and FOREVER!

It was not enough that when we finally arrived to LAX also three busses full of senior tourists arrived there. Jamming all the entrances to the terminal. Jamming every fucking boarding desk. Wining that as younger I can wait even I was the one with the hurry.

It was not enough that when I finally got to my desk I had to use all my charm and sweet talk (which was not easy considering that I was hungry, angry and pissed) that I would get on a plane even I was whole two minutes late. Just two fucking minutes, okay?!

It was not enough that the security check sucked…again.

It was not enough that I had to run to my gate like a maniac so I would not miss my flight.

No. Hell. No.

I arrived to my gate sweating, panting and totally pissed just to learn that my flight was…surprise, surprise…late. If anybody near me then had ever wanted to learn some Finnish, now they got their chance. Too bad it was just a wide variety of selected curses and swears but well...it is all they ever really need to know about Finnish.

As I was now “rewarded” extra time I decided to go a nearest Starbuck to get a quick snack. At least I got now time to eat it in peace. So I paid my mango smoothie and sandwich, grabbed my plate and headed to the furthermost free table I saw. There I flopped into the nearest chair with a big sigh of relief. I was so exhausted. Even this cheap ass-killer chair I sat on felt like a luxurious armchair. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep breaths for relaxing myself and soothing my jagged nerved. Unfortunately it didn’t help much. This day had just sucked big time. 

Just how on Earth could it be possible to add so much headache-stuff in a one fucking single day? 

For example today’s meeting. It had started well though. I, producers, scriptwriters and other members of the planning group had exchanged our usual compliments and stuff, chatted about present hit shows by moving to analyzing the former seasons of my Best Friend -show. The first season got ok reception. Not so good that I had hoped for but the channel had given us green light to continue the show. To be honest I had to thank my sweet Sunflowers for that. By bombing the channel with tweets and emails they have made it possible. The second season in other hand was then another story. For some reason the fourth episode with this one mad Finnish professor who researched some…something weird stuff that I didn’t have a clue then or even now…but this particular episode became crazy popular in YouTube. Sometimes it doesn’t need anything else – just one stroke of good luck, a weird “cooking” session and a love child of motor mouth Jim Carrey and nutty Einstein. And boom - my show’s ratings were suddenly rocketing up and the show was referred in various tabloids. 

No surprise though that viewers liked so much this very episode. I had myself loved doing it. It had been a total blast. I had not laughed so much in my entire life. Mr. Lundgren was crazy maniac at all sides but at the same time he was wit and some way absolutely amazing personality. And the cooking part…well let’s say it took me ages to get that yellow-greenish stuff out from my cloths, hands, face and hair. We still kept in touch time to time and actually tried to meet couple of times but you know scientists. Every time we had agreed to meet I ended up sitting alone in a café, receiving a text message later how he was so sorry that he had forgotten our meeting but he had just discovered something pretty rare and unbelievable and would send me an e-mail about it with tons of interesting pictures and figures. No email would ever show up but I didn’t mind. I probably wouldn’t have understood anything about them anyway. But still.

And now the next, third season was in the works and this time it would be shot in New York instead of LA. And I was supposed to be happy-happy-joy-joy about it now, right?

Nope.

Because of the sudden success of the second season our production team was now going wild. Nothing I tried to suggest or propose was good enough for them. And this one particular producer, the total asshole one of them (I had actually liked her earlier) kept repeating this ‘we’re on to something – we need to add that BOOM –thing again’ mantra so often that in today’s meeting I was sooo near to chuck my water bottle at her to make her finally shut up. Say one more time that annoying BOOM and you get a damn boom-kah on your head, bitch!

I was now gaining myself a massive headache by thinking all this crap again. Shit! Maybe I really should go and buy a lottery coupon as my luck was this great! Like seriously, how often you got such a straight flush of bullshit in a one single day? 

Well, the fact that the plane was late...to be honest…was just my normal luck and, nevertheless, today had been nothing comparing to last evening – IT had been hell.

I was now dead hungry and I didn’t want to brood over that old shit anymore so I turned my full focus on food in front of me. I ate my tasteless sandwich (it could have been a piece of cardboard and I wouldn’t have notice any difference…one more thing to add to today’s bullshit -scorecard) in no hurry, and when finished, I walked lazily back to my gate. People had already formed lines in front of the desks. Having no need to stand in there myself I decided to take an extra stroll to the end of the passage. Because why even bother to queue so you can be the first one to sit down?! You can sit down the whole 15-hours-flight. You really need an extra half an hour? Besides you can sit down on a waiting area and wait in peace that most of the people had disappeared to the tube and join a line then. The plane won’t leave before we are all inside, right? 

Stupid people.

I made it two rounds back and forth before our flight was finally called, and third round before I decided to board the plane myself.

My seat was on a last row; which in this plane meant row 44. I tried to zigzag my way past all the fussing people on a narrow aisle. 

Oh could you just please sit down and fuss about things on your own seat goddamnit?! No need to plug the way from people who would like to make it to their own seats before the plane takes off. OK? 

When I finally reached my seat I was again sweating and bruised by dozen hits from elbows and armrests. I placed my backpack in the locker above before I plopped down on my seat. I let out a big sigh of relieve. 

Finally! 

The day had been anything but perfect but now it would only get better. I was still little tense but could feel my body slowly relaxing minute by minute. I could now leave all that shit behind me and just focus on…nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.

I was thankful that I got an aisle seat. And that I had only one “neighbour”. The last row got only two seat both left and right site of the plane and I was sitting on the left side ones. 

I turned to look at my fellow traveler. She was so concentrated on typing with her mobile that she didn’t notice that I was looking at her. She was around my age, perhaps little younger. Her slightly curly, hazel brown hair was shoulder length and she had left them loose. She didn’t look American to me, maybe European, or she could be Australian too, I don’t know. But still I thought it was best to do like my dad always advised ‘Behave and introduce myself’.

“Hi!” I rapped out, smiling at her. That was probably the first real smile I had on whole day.

The girl stopped typing and looked up bemused. 

“Oh. Hi.”

On the spot we were interrupted by an announcement that boarding had been completed and the plane was ready to take off. Flight attendants started to walk along the aisles asking still-standing passengers take their seats and fasten their seat belts.

I turned my focus back to this girl next to me who was now staring at me. 

“I’m Saul by the way.” I introduced myself and offered my hand; a Finnish habit that would never go away. And which I learnt later, was useful manner in the States too. And Saul…Well, that was how I introduced myself to strangers if I didn’t want to spend next half an hour trying to teach them how to pronounce my name. Although it normally was a pretty good ice breaker but at that moment I was too tired for long chats.

Instead of shaking my hand right away, she hesitated. She was looking at me a touch confused and suspicious, like she was trying to decide was I just some harmless bloke or total maniac. I cursed my Finnish genes. But being a Finn and an Aries rolled into a one meant that I was not going to give up or show off my mistake. So I just smiled and let my hand float in the air like it was the most natural thing to do while I waited that she would understand the point of it. I probably looked like a freak but to me it was weirder that she didn’t react to my hand offering in any way. 

Finally she took my hand and squeezed it a little while still observing me. I let out a mental sight of relieve even thought the handshake felt more like squeezing a warm dead fish than a real hand. She was so not a Finn! We Finns are taught by heart to take a firm grip of a hand we shake. Or an American. So…she’s an Aussie. But of course you can never be sure.

Even being hesitant she didn’t let go of my hand. I thought that was odd but I just let it be. Instead I cursed in my head that I ever had open my mouth or listened my dad. Great. But then suddenly her breath hitched and her expression changed from doubtful to shocked and in a few seconds back to normal -well normal while not being normal at all. You clearly could see that she was now little wired. I was confused. Why it seemed like she was afraid of me? I didn’t – hopefully- look like some Australian serial killer on the loose or something? The whole situation was now turning even more awkward so I decided to break the silence before it would get any worse. 

“So…what’s your name?” I asked her so carelessly as possible.

It seemed to break the spell. She relaxed little and finally… she answered.

“Tina,” she replied quickly while breaking our hand shake. She still looked slightly shocked. I tried not to pay any attention to it and continued my talk with her.

“So…you live in Sydney or continue to somewhere else from there?” I asked her. She gazed at me dazzled. 

“I…I…I….erm. Sorry but what did you ask me again?”

“I asked you if you live in Sydney or continue your trip from there.” I repeated as calmly as possible. “Sorry if I disturbed you. You were texting to someone?”

”No.No.No. I mean yes. I’m…I’m…going to stay in Sydney. Actually I’m going to move there. My sister’s there and I thought I could go there too.”

“Oh really? So you gonna like stay at your sisters right? How long she’s lived there?” I asked excited.

“Two years.”

“And you gonna work or study there?”

“Work,” she answered hesitatingly. It sounded more a question than a proper answer.

“Can I ask you where?” I kept pressuring her. I wasn’t anymore sure she was an Aussie. Her accent sounded more American to me but I couldn’t locate it where she would possibly be from. 

“E-erm. Well.” She stuttered.”I’m not sure yet, I’m not like…Have not…thought about it yet. Ok, I have thought about it but not like…doing…trying…to find any work place yet.”

“Ok.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

I waited for her to ask me same questions but she kept quiet and her eyes were now looking everywhere else than directly to me. I took the clue, wished her a good trip and didn’t bother her anymore. For some reason I still took a one quick side look at her. She was back now on her mobile typing fiercely. And she was…blushing? 

Oh, how cute is that? 

So she probably thought I was cute or something. Or could she have recognized me…? I felt my chest tighten a bit of the thought. Nah! I was not that famous here in the States so it cannot be it. A smile flickered across my lips. 

I was not a type of person to have narcissistic needs. But man has to drink positive spirit whenever possible. That was one of the reasons I was a positive personality. Instead of drowning in sorrow or anger I picked up little pieces of happy thoughts and sun shines and filled my mind with them. So long that it would leak out for others to share. 

So just maybe I could make this day better for me after all…just maybe.

 

***

 

An hour and a half later we were flying above the dark Pacific Ocean. The sun had just set and it was already pitch dark outside. Soon we would be served a quick evening snack before the lights of the cabin would be dimmed for people to be able to sleep. I rubbed my sleepy eyes and decided that two, or perhaps three episodes of the Simpsons was enough this time. It was such a quality show. You always wondered where the hell they came up with all those crazy ideas and story plots. 

Soon we were handed our snacks and told that beverages would be served little later. I decided to wait for the drinks before opening my packed sandwich and fruit wedges. Me and Tina, the girl sitting next to me, haven’t spoken a word since our earlier conversation. I could feel that time to time she quickly peeked at me and at least twice I caught her in the act. Both times I smiled at her and she would blush and quickly turn her head away. For some reason this “game” didn’t bother me at all. It was like playing a peekaboo with a kid. And it was quite a fun actually.

A pleasant voice woke me up from my thoughts and I switched my attention to its source. A steward, a cute male, was coming on the aisle with his drink trolley. When he got closer I turned to Tina.

“Hey. Was it Tina? Do you drink coffee or tea? I can ask it for you when that steward comes.”

She was startled by a sudden break of silence but she gained herself quickly and answered with a shy smile,  
“A tea, please. With milk..”

“Thanks.” She then continued

I nodded to her and turned my focus back to the trolley dolly on the aisle. He was around 30ish and looked cute while chatting with every other passenger and smiling. He was definitely gay; neither a twink nor a cub but something in-between. It took him couple more minutes before he got into our row with his trolleys and with his pure sunny British accent he asked us what we would like to drink with our snacks.

“A diet coke for me, please, and for her a tea with milk.” I answer him with a smile. 

He gave us a fake shock-face and with his light cheery voice nagged at us, “Come on you guys. You are in the last row. You’re sure you don’t wanna some wine or sparkling, dears?” He winked at us. “I have plenty to choose from. We could later have our own ‘back stage’ party when my statutory tea break begins. Let’s see…in 13-hours” 

He laughed at his own joke and then handed me my coke (with a wink and a grin) and a tea to Tina. We thanked for our drinks and after wishing us a pleasant stay in their Mile High B&B he disappeared with his trolley to the back. 

The every second I opened my can I cursed. Why the hell I had forgotten it again? Never order a Diet Coke on a plane. Period. That is how Adam had advised me on one of our early flights together. He had claimed that it took actually three times longer to pour a diet soda into a mug than a normal one. I had laughed at him. I had thought it was ridiculous idea. How could that be even possible? It was just soda for god sake. It was all the same was it a diet or some superhypersugary beverage. Both were liquid. End of story. But evidently he had been right about it. While I had been pouring my first can of my superhyperbubbly drink he had already grabbed his second. After guzzled his Coke he had burped manly and turned to me. 

“Enjoying your drink, babe?” He had asked me with a huge devilish smirk on his face. 

That man and his sarcastic remarks - I had loved that combination. Not giving him the satisfaction of mocking me I had just continued pouring carefully my drink to my mug and huffed,  
“At least I won’t get a swollen tummy for drinking too much soda, siippaseni.”

I had been rewarded by a genuine laugh and a big wet kiss on my temple. I smiled at the memory. We had had so much fun back then. We were so in love. But now those days were gone and would never come back. 

Especially, thanks to the last evening.

However I wasn’t running away because of it. I was on a plane to Sydney for a much simpler reason. I was running away from one particular day – the day of our “anniversary”. Even after two years the day wasn’t an easy one to pass by. Thanks to fans and the Internet. Don’t get me wrong. I do love glamberts and my own sunflowers. But constant reminding of our past relationship and THE dates was sometimes nerve-wracking. And by flying from Los Angeles to Sydney I would skip out a day. Leave in November 5th and be at the destination in November 7th. 

So simple. So brilliant. 

I just wondered why I hadn’t thought about it before.

Even though the world would still live the day and twitter and blogs would still be full of tweets and writings about us and so, I literally didn’t need to live it myself. In the end it was more a symbolic than a real escape to be honest but it contented me.

I let out a sad sigh. Things could be different. Things between us could be different. But sometimes you just couldn’t fight against the faith. Especially, when you could only blame yourself getting into the position you stood. Being stubborn ass. Crossing the line. 

While I was drowning in my own misery the lights were slowly dimmed and people around were getting ready to sleep. I was started to feel myself drowsy too and in no time I fell asleep. 

Just before I stepped into my dream world I had this weird a hint of feeling that someone was staring at me…. 

 

***

 

I woke up with a start to a loud bang and a shake. I flickered my eyes several times before I could make them focus on anything. 

What was that?!

Some other people had also woken up and were glancing around as confused as I was. I could hear quiet mumbling but no one seems to know the reason of the bang. People were looking outside the window but it was pitch dark so they didn’t see a thing. One passenger stopped a flight attendant passing by her and asked about the noise. I didn’t quite hear what she answered her but it seemed to calm the passenger lady. I decided to close my eyes and continue my sleep. 

It was obviously nothing. Otherwise the flight attendant had said something about it. 

 

*** 

 

A while later I woke up again - this time to a nudge. I lifted my still-sleepy eyes to face the friendly face of the earlier steward. 

“Sorry to wake you up, lad.” He apologized, his face serious this time and continued then, “But the captain will have an announcement soon. Could you please wake up her for me?”

He pointed out to Tina and I nodded approvingly to him. He smiled at me back in return. He then left to wake up other passengers leaving me to handle Tina. His seriousness, all flirtation gone, had made me feel little uncomfortable but I pushed the feeling aside and nudged Tina gently.

“Wake up.”

“Umff,” was the only answer she gave me.

I nudged her again, little rougher this time. 

“Wake up Tina.” 

Still no reaction so I kept on nudging her. 

“Wakey wakey Rise and shine!” Where the hell had that came from? 

This time I could hear her murmur sleepily and then she slowly blinked her eyes open. 

“You should wake up. There will be some announcement soon. We need to hear it.” I informed her.

“Why?” She asked dopey, still half-asleep.

That was a good question. Why? Why indeed? Hey, wait a sec. What is so important that you really need to wake up all the passengers… And before I could wonder any longer the speakers woke up.

“This is your captain Martin speaking. I’m sorry to wake you up but our situation at the moment is critical. Those bams earlier came from an engine on the right-side wing and I’m afraid we will lose it soon. Due to the storm head of us we were forced to divert from our direction but we have been in contact to the nearest….” 

As the captain’s announcement went on my eyes widened slightly and I felt my blood draining from my face. Did I just hear right? No. It must be a joke. Really. This wasn’t happening. But instead of helping me to calm down the speaker kept on proclaiming the crack of doom. 

“…prepare yourselves to an emergency landing. Please re-read the safety instructions sheet so you know what …”

This was NOT happening! Not on my fucking flight!

My stomach clenched and my hands began to shake. I felt sick. You can never know how you would behave when something like this happens. I have always thought for sure that I would be the one to stay focused and know exactly what to do and what not. But in reality when the catastrophe accords your basic instincts wake up and you might not like them. 

It was now eerily quiet in the cabin. So silent you could have heard a pin drop. You would think that anyone would panic and start to scream and become total maniacs after hearing something like that, but no. It was like everyone was assessing the situation without knowing how to react to this news; what to do, what to say, how to scream. Like this was not real, just some collective dream in which we all had just walked into. It all felt so unreal. 

The nervous silence in the plane grew ticker and ticker and soon it felt almost impossible to breath.  
I rubbed my throat like an invisible tie was around it and which kept on tightening and tightening.  
I was dizzy and gasping for air. I felt like I was suffocating. My ears were drumming so loudly that I almost missed my name be called. I turned my head towards the sound only to be faced with Tina. We looked each others. Her face was pale. She looked at me with her big green eyes. Her teary eyes. Full of fear. Like mine own. 

“We are going to die.”

It was weird how calmly I could just state out something ineffable terror like death. But that calmness was just a fake facade. From inside I was slowly loosing myself. And in no time I was furious. They often claim that your life flashes in front of your eyes when death is near. Mine, however, didn’t. And I wouldn’t see any lights at the end of the tunnel either. This was reality. We. Were. Going. To. Die. We were in middle of fucking huge ocean. And they had said that storm was rising. Who would survive from that?! 

No one. Simply.No.One.

I wanted to cry but I was too petrified to do it. I wanted to curse the hell out of me. I was so angry that this was happening to me. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to feel any pain. I just wanted to live and breathe. I just wanted to go home and be with my family. Talked with Sara and with my other sister’s and play with my nephews. I wanted to go to a proper sauna, goddamnit. I haven’t been in a one over 8 months. Was it too much to ask?! I couldn’t die now, right? My family needed me. My fans needed me. There were dozens of other people that should die instead of me. Like that school shooter from last spring – what was his name again? Keller..Teller…Whatever! And why the hell I had wanted to visit some damn Australia? I could have gone to San Diego Zoo to see kangaroos and koalas. Why on Earth I wanted to see them live? 

The plane dropped suddenly but was stabilized quickly. The woman in front of me screamed, terror-struck, and started to cry uncontrollably. Instead of feeling pity for her I was angry. Why the hell she had to cry so loud and disturb my precious last moments? Just shut up and let me wallow in my self-pity in peace. Ok? 

And why the hell this plane had not yet crashed?!

I was breathing so fast now that I was almost panting. I felt dizzy again and sick. This all shit was irritating me big time so I fiercely turned back to Tina, ready to shout out my irritation to her…but froze right there.

Tina sat her head down and was shaking. And she was silently…crying.

I watched her totally frozen. I felt numb with weird shock. Suddenly all I was able to do was just to watch her sobbing there. My mind was totally blank and I couldn’t mouth a word either a sound. I could feel a lump slowly forming in my throat and an unpleasant sting of guilt in my chest. I felt pity for her. While I had screamed and raged inside my own head she had had to sit there alone and digest this news all alone. 

How stupid had I been? 

I looked down to my hands. They were almost white from clenching them into fists so hard. And glistening from sweat. I opened and re-closed them while thinking my next move. I couldn’t come up with anything else to soothe her so I placed one of my sweaty hands on hers and gave it a little squeeze. She didn’t react to it straight away so I gave it another squeeze and tried to force a comforting smile on my face. I probably failed miserably but at least I tried. She slowly looked up at me. Her eyes were reddish from crying but she didn’t seem to be pissed of me. That was a relief! I could see her trying to shape a small smile but even it took too much of her. I didn’t blame her though. I was hard even for me to keep up mine.

Suddenly the plane dropped dramatically and people started to cry and scream. The plane gained it balance once more but it was now sure that it was just matter of minutes anymore before we would crash down. But Tina and I, we stayed in our position, our eyes locked, hand in hand. Waiting for the irrevocable to happen. 

For the last time the speaker began to preach with its strong tinny voice:  
"This is your captain, brace for impact! Brace for impact! God bless us all."

It was a shocking to realize that all of sudden I was…calm. It was like all my anger and angst had miraculously just washed away and was replaced with strange tranquillity. After the captain’s last announcement everything suddenly got very clear to me. 

So this was it. This was how it all would end. 

And to honest I was content with my life. I have had an interesting one, an amazing family, lots of good friends and opportunities which most of people could just dream about. I had not regretted anything in my life and was not even now. Everything had happened for a reason. Everything.

This sudden insight felt an eerie way very comforting. The only thing I wished was that I had called Sara before I boarded our plane. Said I love her and that she would say my loveyous to my love ones. And…. 

The cabin was now shaking more violently than ever so I threw my hand off Tinas and put both of them behind my head, threw my head between my knees, and then closed my eyes and settled down to breath. Focusing just to breath steadily. 

Breath in. 

Breath out. 

Breath in.

The last thing I felt was a sudden cool breeze on my cheek before everything went black.


	2. A call

Adam’s POV

It seemed to be those days when you couldn’t get your hair to collaborate with you. I had tried almost an hour to get it just right – sorry to be such a perfectionist - but after every try there was something that just wasn’t quite right. Will waited me at the hall, nagging me about being such a lady. I just murmured him to shut up and continued styling my hair. He was joking of course but I just wanted to look perfect today. 

Will and I had been seeing each other almost 3 months now and last Friday I decided it was time to announce us as a couple. We would go together to this restaurant opening in West Hollywood today and just let it all go on its own weight. I already had prefigured blog writings and tweets it would cause. 

Oh my Glamberts would so freak out when the news would spread! 

I made a side note to remember to take my tweet alarm off.

Will had suddenly appeared behind me. He wrapped his arms around me placing his chin on my shoulder. Being shorter than me he had to stand on his toes to be able to do so. Small like my all guys had been. I just liked it that way. Always had. And I had been lucky to catch him. He was everything I could wish for a boyfriend; smart, funny and totally handsome with his hazel crew cut and clear green eyes. He was slightly too short-tempered to my taste but at least he was not too stubborn. I knew that type too well. 

I let myself smile a bit to a memory. 

I looked at Will through my mirror and couldn’t help but smile even wider. I felt so amazingly lucky. I thought I had not felt so amorous since Sauli and I broke up. However, my good mood fell a little when I saw a shiner under Will’s right eye. It had bleached little but was still clearly visible. 

I was so mad at Sauli because of it. 

What the heck was going on with him? It seemed I didn’t know him anymore. I never could have believed earlier that such a kind-hearted person as Sauli could possibly hit anyone just out of blue without any reason. It had been totally weird but unacceptable behavior from him. 

And it all had happened so unexpectedly and fast.

My mom had invited us, my brother and his girlfriend, Danielle and Sauli for dinner on Friday evening. When me and Will had arrived at moms, had only Sauli been there. Danielle had dropped him over but had been urged to go to help her aunt. She would be coming back later. My brother and his girl had not yet showed up because of the traffic jam caused by three-cars-pileup.

Mom had welcomed us and we had shared our typical hugs and air kisses, followed by Sauli. Yet he and Will had left it to a simple hi and handshake. 

Like always Sauli had been the angel in the house, helping mom to tidy up things and being her personal kitchen slave. I had nagged her about it so many times, especially when we had been a couple. He was MY kitchen slave, not sharing him. And every time mom would have just looked at me sheepishly and commented that Sauli just liked to help. And it was very true. So typical from him. 

I had then come up with an idea. I had hoped so much that Will and Sauli would get to know each other better and would get along. Sauli was still one of my best friends and I had wanted that Will wouldn’t feel uncomfortable around him. Will had promised me to do his best and I had been pleased about it. So I had said to mom that I can help her out with a place setting and said to Will to go and help Sauli out with the food. 

At first it had seemed that everything was going fine. 

Sauli and Will had disappeared to the kitchen and time to time we could hear Sauli’s muted advices to Will and sounds of opening and closing cabinet doors. I had been so nervous; even I knew it was ridiculous. Both were grown-ups, they could behave. Still, even I had tried to not pay any attention to what happened in the kitchen, I just hadn’t been able to do so. So every time I had heard something louder, I had straightened my back and pricked my ears like a hunted deer. Waiting for the worst. One time I had almost dropped a plate when I had thought I heard swearing. 

We had almost finished off the place setting when something amazing had happened. 

Laughing. 

And it had come from the kitchen! 

I had glanced at my mom, giddy with joy and relief. She had beamed too, being well aware of my former anxiety. I had been so happy that everything seemed to go so well between my men. I wouldn’t need to worry anymore. 

But then all of sudden we had heard a loud quarrelling following the tinkle of breaking glass like something had hit on a hard tile floor. And next we had heard a high cry. Me and my mom both had frozen on our tracks and looked towards the kitchen bewildered. 

A moment later, upset Will had run out from the kitchen holding his hand in front of his right eye and crying angrily to us.

“He hit me! He fucking hit me, Adam.” 

He had next taken his hand away from his eye so we could see his face fully. Red marks had circled his reddish eye he said that Sauli had punched him on.

I had totally flared up right on the spot. I had stormed to the kitchen where I had found Sauli standing in the middle of glass pieces of shattered casserole and mom’s stew all over the floor and his trouser legs. I had shouted my head off at him and demanded for an explanation. He had just scowled at me still clenching his hands into fists. He had barely choked back his own anger. We had glared each other minutes and the air between us had been cracking from tension. Suddenly his expression had soften just a slightly and his stinging eyes had been getting moisture so I thought I finally had got my chance to break him. But before I had had a chance to open my mouth again he had huffed loudly, whirled around and quickly walked away with heavy steps to the dining room where my confused mom and still upset Will were. I had just barely managed to see him apologizing to my mom for ruining her dinner before he had rushed out of the front door leaving us standing there stupefied. 

My blood had been up. How he dared to just walk away like that without saying a word to me? After hitting my guy! My Will! At my mom’s house! I had been so angry that I had almost broken the front door when I had run after Sauli. But outside he weren’t to be seen anymore. It was like he had miraculously vanished into thin air which you would think was impossible considering the building plan of that neighbourhood. 

I hadn’t spoken with Sauli after that evening. I had waited him to call me and apologize but still no call had come. And I wasn’t going to be the one to make the first call. It was now up to him and just him. When I had tried to ask Will about the incident he had just said he didn’t want to speculate on Sauli’s reasons. I should just forget it and let it be. But I just couldn’t. My mind boggled at the thought of the whole incident.   
It had been so absurd. It was nothing at all Sauli to hit anyone. Not without a proper reason. And he hadn’t defended himself in any way. Also so not like him. There was just something weird in this.

I sighted heavily. I so wished I had been in the kitchen when it all happened! I could have probably been able to prevent it…

I was waked from my thoughts by my sweet boyfriend who was now rubbing himself against my buttocks.

Such a sweet teaser! He knew so well how to distract me.

“Stop it.” I grunted without really meaning it. I could feel someone else waking up too.

Will just giggled and with a wide smirk on his face continued rubbing. I surprised him by turning around quickly and taking him into a tight embrace.

“I said stop it.” I mumbled while kissing him on his forehead. 

“You looked so old with those wrinkles between your brows and on your forehead so I thought I might help you out. Before they become permanent.” He said so-not innocently.

“Oh thank you very much!” I scowled at him. Oh, that guy had a nerve!

“My pleasure.” Will mocked me with even wider grin on his face.

I took a better look at my boyfriend. Will wore his black dress shirt with simple silver design and dark grey pants I had bought him just the other day. He looked so dazzling handsome and sexy. And again I felt so amazingly lucky. 

I leaned to kiss him. Will stretched up his toes to meet me in the midway. Bringing our hips more in line. Putting just right amount of pressure to our kiss. Soon our gentle kisses turned out to passionate ones, then more heated ones. So heated that I figured it out that it was best to lift up this hot stallion of mine and carry him to our love nest. Now! 

Oh I was so going to give him a ride of his life….   
…but then we were interrupted by my damn mobile. It was my mom’s ring tone.

Just so fucking perfect timing, mom! 

“It’s just your mom, Addy. You don’t need to…” Will whined to my neck, kissing and licking it but I interrupted him.

“Because it is MOM I need to. You know her. Otherwise she calls the damn police! But don’t you dare to go anywhere far! I’m not done with you yet.” I winked at Will and was rewarded with a silly grin from him. 

God, he was such a cute pie! 

Will let go of me and I grabbed my mobile from the counter. I took couple deep breaths to slow down my raising heart beat before I answered her. 

“Hi mom! What’s up?”

“Hi honey. How are you?” 

“Fine. And you? Is everything ok?”

Ever since I moved from home, my mom had called me almost every single day. Just to check how I was. It had frustrated me at some point but I learnt soon that I got it easier just to answer her and give her her reassurance that her boy was still ok. Otherwise I would be greeted by couple (sometimes even handsome) policemen at my door. True story. Believe me.

“All good, all good.” She took a little break before continuing. “By the way sweetie. Have you heard yet anything about Sauli?”

Mentioning Sauli’s name so quickly took me by surprise. Did mom really think I would want to speak about him after his weird outburst last Friday? I quickly glanced at Will before answering her.

“No. And really I don’t like care at the moment. Will still has purple marks under his eye because of him!”

I waved aside Will’s questioning face. He answered to it by frowning at me, totally miffed. I sighed and bid goodbye to my good mood.

“I’m sorry honey but I was just wondering…which flight he was on. Do you remember?” 

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I thought it was little odd that my mom wanted to know something like that but I guessed she had her reasons. She had always liked Sauli and probably felt motherly need to check that he was ok. But even now? Even after what happened? I was getting really annoyed but because it was mom I answered her with fake –calmness,

“Ok. If I remember right Sauli left like late Saturday evening. About 7 pm. I’m not sure was it American Airlines or…or like some fucking Air Kangaroo. But definitely not Delta!” 

No more with that crappy company he had said after that one horrible flight chaos. One time was enough. 

“Hold on. It was…Virgin! Yeah Virgin, right. We joked about it. But I don’t remember the flight number or such…..And don’t care to be honest.” 

“Ok…” 

Mom was silent a long time. Just when I was to ask her was that all she continued,  
“So you have not heard the news yet?”

“What news?” 

I was little confused now. Honestly I didn’t have any clue what she was talking about. Will was now standing next to me trying to mouth a question but I just hold a hand to him. My mom was fidgeting me with her questions.

“Erm…you better sit down now honey. Ok? Is Will there with you?”

I froze. That’s NOT good. 

“Mom! You creeping me out. What is it? Tell me now!” I was totally freaking out now. Will tried to touch me but I pushed him away every time he tried. I stood in the middle of my bathroom shouting and demanding my mom to tell what was going on. Will stood near me seemingly confused on what was going on and what he should do. Hell, I was confused too! 

“Adam, please. Calm down now honey. Just sit down. I won’t tell you if you don’t sit down and calm yourself. ” My mom pleaded. She tried to sound calm and stern but I sensed that she truly wasn’t. There was something terribly wrong. 

“Please?” She pleaded one more time.

“Okay, okay mom. I sit down. See. I sat down now. Ok?” I sat on the toilet seat and tried to motion it to mom. Stupid me, but I really didn’t think clearly then. 

“So mom. Now tell me. What have happened?”

“Adam. Listen honey…” Her voice cracked down and I could hear her trying to cover her sobbing. A lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger. I had really bad feeling about what was to come. 

“Mom?” I pleaded, for some reason almost crying.

I could hear my mom inhale deeply. The tension was killing me but I understood that she needed time to gather herself before continue. 

“Honey. Listen. Sauli’s plane has crashed down. “ 

A sob. 

“They say that…”

Another sob.

“…no one survived.”


	3. Heaven…or not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your lovely comments! :) Here comes the chapter 3.

Sauli's POV

Slowly I opened my eyes.

All around me was this bright blurry blueness. 

I blinked my eyes couple of times more but still all I could see was endless blueness above me. It felt so calm. I stared into it lazily, really thinking anything at all. 

That blueness was so beautiful. So beautiful that I let myself drown in it, let it wrap me in its blanket and lull me to a highest stage of nirvana. I probably never had felt this peaceful and relaxed in my entire life. A content smile formed to my face. 

I was in trance. 

It felt like I was floating on something warm and soft while a silent, wavy humming sound on a background kept making me even calmer and drowsier. 

It was like in heaven.

So… there was heaven after all.

I was feeling so warm and comfortable that I would have just lain there and watched heavenly blueness above me if I had not registered a sound that didn’t fit into my nirvana world – a quiet sobbing. I turned my head slowly towards to the sound, until my left ear and cheek met warm, sandy surface. Next to me on sand sat a young woman who stared into space, tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked so familiar but my mind was at that point so empty that I just couldn’t find any name for her. Her hazel brown hair was flying in gentle wind and behind her I could now see a line of swaying palm trees.

So I was on a beach. With this strange girl. 

But now…I was little disappointed. 

If this truly was heaven, then where was my handsome angel hunk? Why next to me was this weepy girl? And why she cried anyway? I had thought that heaven was a happy place to be; unless we were in some kind of waiting space queuing for our turn to the final judgment. And she knew already the answer.

I could feel my nirvana state slowly melting away, bit by bit

Oh nice one, God! First you show us the paradise, and then you put your lackeys to send us to hell. Talk about the loving and understanding father…

I let out an annoyed snort.

All the once, the girl next to me jumped up causing sand to fly into my mouth and eyes. I spat and rubbed my eyes to wipe away irritating grains of sand. A curse slipped out of my tongue.

“Sauli…?! Sauli!! Ei helvetti, sä oot elossa!! You’re ALIVE! Hah! Thank god you’re alive!” 

Her sudden scream almost gave me a heart-attack. I looked up at her shocked. Who was this girl? And how the hell she knew my name? 

She didn’t pay any attention to my wired self. Instead she kept ramping around, her sandy hands over her mouth. She was trembling all over. 

“I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead. Ah, thank god you’re alive.” She kept on repeating in a silent voice before she turned to look at me again with her weepy eyes but now face full of pure happiness. 

“I’m not alone. Oh, thank god…” 

For me her sudden outburst was little freaky. I hadn’t registered what language she had used first (definitely not English), however it had sounded too familiar and I thought that I actually had understood what she had said. But still…I couldn’t remember her name. I should because she knew mine but no name popped up to my head. 

As there was no point of just laying there and wonder what was going on, I placed my arms so that I could pull myself up. The girl ran to help me. She took a good grip of my shoulders and sat me up. It made me feel little dizzy so I took couple of deep breaths to avoid the world spinning around me. I thanked her and looked around my current whereabouts. We were on some sort of beach which continued at least other 100 meters both ways. Thick forest of palm trees and other exotic trees spread out behind us. Were we in an island or in a wide spit was hard to tell. Still it was beautiful.

But why the hell I was here?

“What is this?” I asked while lifting up the loose yellow item I had on me. I had just noticed it. The item looked like a giant bib from which stick out different kinds of stings and cords in every directions. A weird thing to wear on a paradise beach to be honest. And was that a whistle?

She looked at me confused and replied cautiously,

“A life vest….You do remember the crash, don’t you?”

“Yeah…” I muttered even I didn’t have a slightest idea of what she was talking about. I removed this “vest” and tossed it little further away. Slight pain shot up my arm when I did it and my sides felt sore. 

What the hell had happened?! Had I partied little too roughly last night? It seemed so as I have apparently lost my other shoe. But with whom? And that reminded me of…

“Who are you?”

The girl raised her eyebrows in surprise and, for a second, she was tongue-tied. My question had put her seemingly out of countenance. 

“What? You…you don’t remember me?”

Her confused expression made me pensive so I took again a good look at her but still I had a hard time to identify her. But those eyes, those big green eyes. There was something too familiar in those. They were green like a dark ocean. Dark roaring ocean. 

Those eyes had been once…

…full of fear. 

My own eyes widened.

It all clicked. 

The plane. The chaos. Screams. Blackness. The stormy dark sea. Waves. Those suffocating piles of water. Everywhere. All around me. Rushing over me. No lights to be seen. No boats. No plane. No one. No one else but me and her. She screaming. I crying out. She clenching my hand never tight enough. Trying together to fight against those deadly waves. Fear. Salt water in my eyes. In my mouth. Everywhere. Not able to breathe properly. 

Pure terror. 

The wakening back to reality was so violent that my whole body started trembling profusely and it was hard to breathe. I gagged and almost threw up right there. I could now taste sea salt in my mouth, feel my every body part aching and all those memories churned inside of me.

It all had come back. And the feeling was so overwhelmingly unbearable that I just had to let it out of me. I burst out into tears, yelling out my pain and fear. A pair of arms settled around my upper body and I let myself lean to against the shoulder next to me. The girl, Tina (I remembered her now) sat on her knees next to me, embracing me and sharing my feelings. We both cried and screamed there probably hours. And we didn’t stop until we both fell asleep, exhausted.

 

**

 

We woke up again when the sun was already setting.

I slowly sat up and watched waves hitting the shoreline in silence. I understood now that we had survived from the plane crash and we have managed to save ourselves here, to a deserted beach. This place definitely wasn’t a tourist beach but it didn’t mean that nobody lived nearby. You never know! It could be so that we were just a couple 100 metres away from the nearest village! Or not.

My eyes were aching from earlier crying and my feelings were still churning inside of me but I forced myself to calm down. There was no point in panicking now. We would need to just stay calm and positive. Everything would work out – someway.

In other hand, it was time to evaluate our position. So 

1\. We were safe. 

However we didn’t know where we were and what we would find in the forest behind us. Who knows? Maybe we were in a tiger sanctuary or last home of human cannibal. So in the end...

2\. We weren’t safe at all.

I pushed the depressive thought aside and put my concentration to another problem.

I was thirsty.

I gulped and sucked my dry lips. I hadn’t drunk anything since that one coke on our plane; if you didn’t count the tons of sea water I had probably swallowed earlier. And the salty taste in my mouth didn’t help the situation at all. So I turned to Tina, who hadn’t spoken a word the whole time we had been awake. She seemed to be deep in her own thoughts but I needed to break the silence.

“I think we need to go and find some water. I’m thirsty.” I could feel my tongue slowly turning into a piece of sandpaper. I tried to keep it moisture by gulping saliva back and forward in my mouth but it didn’t help much.

“I know. Me too. But I don’t think is a good idea.” She nodded towards the setting sun to make her point clear and continued. “It will be dark soon. And we need to build a shelter.”

“But shouldn’t we first explore this place before we choose where to build it?” I protested. I could have killed for a glass of water. “Besides I can sleep outside in the open air.”

She cast me an incredulous look. 

“Even if it rains? We’re in tropic. It can rain at nights.”

“But...”

“And because they always build a shelter first in those survival shows! Now shut up and come to help me out.” 

I raised my brows for her angry snap. But it was obvious that anybody’s nerves would be on edge in the same situation where we were, and she was no exception. So I just nodded and followed her to near the forest line.

Tina explained me that we could build a lean-to; it was probably the easiest one to build. I agreed and so we went to browse for and gather up all the suitable branches and big palm leaves we could find on the ground. Being constructor’s son didn’t mean I was good building things myself. I actually sucked – just call my dad if you don’t believe me. So I happily let Tina take the lead and instruct me what to do.

Soon it was clear that she wasn’t either a natural-born builder. All the plans sounded great but the execution…well…let’s say I missed my dad now.

Every construction we tried ended up to a pile of branches and leaves on the ground. It was a hopeless sight. Then I got an idea.

“Take off all strings and lances you have in your clothes. We can use them to bind those branches together.”

Tina looked at me like I had just said a Nobel Prize-level idea and began to rip off a string from her own hoodie. Unfortunately, her sweatpants or shoes didn’t have any lances on them but I pulled a one from my own hoodie and another one from my lonely shoe. It felt little stupid to wear just one so I took it and my socks off and placed them near a small bush.

We now had three lances, all different sizes. I frowned at it. Was this a good idea at all?

A moment I considered finding a sharp rock and nicking long shreds out of my jeans but rejected the idea. It would take ages and the sun was setting fast. It would be soon too dark to work.

Damn I should have worn one of those easy-ripped Chippendale tops!

So with help of three lances we continued our project, and finally, we improved. 

While we had been building our shelter, I couldn’t ignore this strange nagging in the back of my mind every time Tina said my name. It was like there was something wrong about it but I just couldn’t put a finger on why, and it was annoying.

Tina interrupted me from my thoughts by calling me by my name. This time it was like a lightning had hit me. A sudden flash back, a forgotten memory popped up to my mind and my whole body tensed.

“How you knew my name?” I hissed and looked at her wildly.

Tina looked at me surprised. Her voice faltered when she replied to me,

“Erh..you...you told me.”

“No I didn't!” I spat out. “I said I was Saul. I never said you my real name.”

“Yes you di...oh...fuck.”

I could literally see her mentally facepalming herself. But that made me freak out even more.

“Who are you?” I glared at her, demanding for answer.

“What...?! You know who I am.” 

“How you knew my name then?”

“I…I…What? Hey just…just forget it, ok?” She spluttered. “I suppose I just guessed it...it's not a big deal...don’t make a fuss about it ok? I...”

Suddenly her grip slipped from a branch she was holding up and our rudiments of a hut collapsed in front of us. On its way down a fork of the branch nicked my hand painfully and without thinking we both let out a same fiery curse at the same time, 

“Perkele!”

If there is only a one word which exposes a person as a Finn, it was that. The strongest curse word you can ever find, articulated with a shrilling Finnish R. Hearing it in a desert island from a stranger you thought was someone else but a Finn can make your heart stop. So instead of rejoicing increased possibility to avoid communication problems and therefore increased possibility to survive, the first instinctive reaction I had after hearing Tina cursing in Finnish was a pure shock.

You got to be kidding me. Am I on this fucking desert beach with another…

“…Finn?!” I mouthed out, shocked. 

“Why the hell..” I shook my head. Why I used English myself? “…sä puhuit mulle englantia?”

I bombarded her with other questions but she didn’t answer me. Instead she stood still, eyes shut and her face flaming red of embarrassment. Although, to me it was all clear now. She DID know who I was. And still she had faked to be someone else and spoke English to me. It was a slap in my face.

“Is Tina even your real name?” I muttered angrily, not looking at her anymore.

That was a final stroke. Tina, or who ever she was, turned to face me and gave me a dirty look.

“Hey! Don’t you blame me!” She yelled back in Finnish. “You introduced yourself as Saul! Not Sauli. Saul….And you spoke English first!”

“Besides…” She continued, now with little calmer voice, but still it reflected a huge irritation. “ I didn't recognize you straight away and hey it felt little stupid to just blurt out that ‘hey by the way I'm Tiina not Tina and I do speak Finnish too, love you show by the way, this is not creepy at all and you would not freak out’. Right?”

The last word left hanging in the air while we both glared daggers at each other.

I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. But still I started to think properly what she had just said. Even though, I wasn't pleased about her mocking, she did have a point. Maybe I was making a too big deal out of nothing. 

Besides it could be fun speak Finnish for a change.

“I’m sorry”

I lifted my head up and saw Tiina looking shyly at me. She seemed to be genuinely sorry.

I might be temperamental but I never could stay angry for a long time. Especially, if the other one was truly sorry. So I sighted and put an approving smile to my face.

“Apology accepted”

And from then on we spoke mainly Finnish to each other.

I learnt that Tiina had lived and worked as an au-pair in three different families around the States. It explained her accent. And when her sister had moved to her husband’s home country, Australia, she had thought that she could try out too. She knew that finding a work place there would be difficult but she had thought it as a challenge for herself. And more we talked more I grew to like her. We weren’t so different at all.

Sun set far too early and we were forced to finish our lean-to-like hut. The air was getting chillier so I put my hoodie on before we crawled into our shelter and laid us down, packed like sardines. We might need to rebuild it and make it bigger but it had to do now. 

The only thing I just wished was that our hut would hold together the whole night.

 

***

 

Next day we woke up to a warm morning. It had luckily rained little last night so we searched and licked every single drop of water we could find. I thanked myself that I had carelessly tossed away my life vest on the beach as it had gathered a small puddle of rain water to one of its creases. It wasn’t much, a couple tablespoonfuls perhaps, but it was better than nothing. 

As the day was going to be hot I took off my hoodie and rolled my jean legs up. Tiina instead only rolled up the legs of her sweatpants but left her hoodie on. I thought it was little odd because it was already quite warm and you could see drops of sweat forming to her forehead.

“Don’t you get hot with that hoodie?” I asked her.

She just shook her head and folded her arms securely across her chest. 

I raised an eyebrow to that gesture. But then I caught on.

“Hey, if you don’t have any top under your hoodie, don’t worry. I can give you my T-shirt.”

Her face was priceless. Her expression was something between shock and enthusiasm. It was hard to explain. It was like she wanted to say yes (her eyes were screaming it…creepy) but her mind didn’t. But then her face fell and she turned to look away. It made me confused.

I looked at her carefully. She was now feeling seemingly awkward. She bit her lips and avoid in every way to look directly at me. I didn’t know what to think about her behavior but then I thought that she, for some reason, didn’t just want to strip down in front of me. I was to offer to turn around or leave the spot for letting her undress in peace when she unexpectedly sighted loudly and unzipped her hoodie and took it off. She then just stood there looking everywhere else but at me. 

I was confused. Why she was acting like this…. 

My eyes lit upon the picture on her T-shirt and then it clicked. 

Oh. Fuck. 

The shock waves went along my spine. My eyes went wide and my mouth popped fully open and I didn’t know should I scream or run. Or just run. And fast. SO fucking.fast.

I knew those eyes. I knew that face. I knew those long fingers with black nail polish and dozens of rings.

So…

She was a Finn…bert!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2014/2/20 I realized yesterday that I had posted a wrong version of this chapter and the version with last editings have disappeared. Just my luck! 
> 
> I did some corrections to the text but otherwise I let be as it is.


	4. Denial

Adam’s POV

A fly stayed very still on the ceiling. It didn’t move a leg. It just stared down on me with its compound eyes and I stared back at it. It had continued like this a small eternity, well, at least as long as I had been home. Neil had a while ago run me back here from my psychotherapy which had been just a waste of time. Like I would open up to any stranger who asks me how I feel.

Like it wasn’t obvious.

Past couple days everyone had kept on asking me the very same question:

How do you feel?

Like it wasn’t clear at all.

I had said to Neil on our way back from my therapy that I wouldn’t go back there. There was no point. I didn’t have anything to say to the lady there. At first he had known best to keep his mouth shut, but because he was Neil…he had had to say something.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He had blurted out in his annoying way.

I had ignored him first and instead stared intensively out of the side window. But because it is unwritten law that Lambert brothers just cannot keep their mouths shut when they should, I had repeated myself.

“There’s no point going.” 

The car had jolted then unexpectedly causing me to bump my forehead to the window and frightening me out of my wits. 

“What the fuck, Neil?!” I thought he almost had driven us off the motorway.

Neil had not paid any attention to me but instead had parked to a gas station by the motorway. After stopping the car he had twirled around and glared at me his eyes flaming.

“No point?! Bro, you fucking freaked us all up yesterday. Think about mom! She almost drove herself straight to a jail when trying to get to you as soon as possible.” He had snapped at me.

This whole episode had started when Will had found me standing on the edge of my swimming pool, watching its rippling surface with a glassy stare. He had tried to talk to me and persuaded me to go inside but I hadn’t reacted to anything what he had said to me. In panic he had first tried to call Danielle, then my mom, then dad, and finally Neil had answered him. Neil had reached mom while he was on his way to my place and mom had called an ambulance to pick me up. I didn’t know how fast mom had driven – definitely not according to limits - because she was the first one to show up on my door step, then the ambulance and just then Neil as the last one.

“I make you go there even if I need to drug and drag you there. Just watch me!” 

Neil’s warning was left hanging on the air and rest of our ride we stayed quiet. 

But Neil didn’t understand one thing. Deep in down I didn’t believe that Sauli was dead at all. 

When the news about the plane crash and Sauli had come out, the hell had broken out. Because the plane was full of American tourists, the crash was reported widely in the States too. The Sauli parts we got from Finnish news websites and Twitter. There my mom had also picked up the information about Sauli. When she had heard about the plane crash, she had had a bad feeling about it. She had googled Sauli’s name and to screen had popped up a link to the news. That he had been on that particular flight. Strangely fast they had caught that piece of information but it was probably because of Sauli’s friend Katri. She worked for Finnish press. 

But too soon had also Hollywood press found it out. And for the first couple of days I couldn’t go outside without been surrounded by those evil paparazzis. Everybody wanted a picture from a heartbroken ex or ask stupid questions about how I feel about Sauli’s death. 

Goddamnit! They already knew very well how I felt! My eyes had turned red, probably for good. So much I had cried these past few days. I had been dazed and completely shaken up by the news of the plane crash, and Sauli’s alleged death. And still was. Even how angry I had been at him a while ago, it didn’t mean that I wouldn’t still care about him. We used to be lovers, then exes and best friends. 

And now he was gone. Like forever. Or at least everybody believed so. 

And it all was too hard for me to handle. 

A sudden peep from my mobile made me jump. Every time my phone rang or peeped I thought it was Sauli. I hoped it was him. I prayed for it. That he would tell he was ok, that he had missed his flight and he was having a good time in Sydney. That he was buying Christmas presents to his nephews and needed my opinion on his dorky picks. And that he would be back in LA before my birthday. 

And every time…it was someone else.

But this time it was not just someone else. I couldn’t ignore this one.

I stood up and picked up the phone. I watched the screen disbelievingly. The name on it was too familiar but still I didn’t trust my eyes. This was the closest to Sauli that I could get from now on. And the fact that it was her made all this shit too true. 

I had to answer to this one. 

So I pressed the green phone icon and greeted the one person who could be Sauli by just a switch of a couple of genes.

“Hi Sara.”

The voice in the other end of the line was weak and almost inaudible. 

“Adam.”

A silence fell over us and for a minute we didn’t say anything to each other. But it wasn’t awkward though. We shared the same grief. 

Unfortunately my American genes took over me. I felt the need to break the silence and without thinking further I blurted out a question which I instantly regretted.

“How are you guys?”

I squeezed my eyes close and mentally banged my head to a wall. 

Idiot, idiot, idiot,…

Luckily Sara didn’t sound annoyed or something when she answered that they are ok. It was a lie but I was the one asking stupid questions. They were his family. Of course they were devastated.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. It was so hard to talk…especially with her.

Few minutes we talked this and that without saying any word of Sauli. We seemed to just go round and round the subject, both too afraid to get to the actual point.

But then suddenly Sara stated calmly, 

“They haven’t found the plane yet…or bodies.”

My heart clenched. It was somehow cruel way to point it out just like that. So bluntly, just out of the blue. But she hadn’t stopped yet.

“But you know what, Adam?” She continued. ” He does live! I can feel it! He is not dead. I know you know it too! Tell me you feel the same?”

I listened her outburst slightly shocked. I couldn’t open my mouth to answer her.

Sara repeated the question couple times before I could hear her starting to sob. I felt bad but I was frozen. I didn’t know what to say. 

“Please tell me you feel the same…?” Her desperate voice trailed off and I still didn’t know what to think. Only that deep in down I wanted to believe too…I fucking believed too!

“I …”

Suddenly I heard another voice from the background and Sara answered to it in Finnish. They talked a while and I understood just couple of words from here and there but otherwise I didn’t make of what they talked about. I could hear that Sara’s voice slowly heated up until she was yelling her lungs out to this other person. Then it was just a mass of yells and screams and new voices appeared to the background. I could only just listen when the other persons tried to calm Sara down without luck in the other end of the line. 

I still heard Sara screaming background when another familiar voice suddenly spoke on the phone. 

“Adam. Wait a sec.” 

I heard Saana moving away from the scene to a quieter place. I heard a door close and then some rattle and rustle before she took a deep breath and continued.

“Hi Adam. It’s Saana. Sorry about that.” She took a little break before she continued. “You do understand, right? It’s probably worst for her than to any of us.”

I muttered something for a reply. I felt pity for them. I couldn’t possibly understand how much they had been through these couple of days. Especially she and Sara.

“How are you self doing there?”

“Trying to understand all…this.” I said truthfully.

“I know.” She sighted. “I’m sorry we haven’t called you earlier but it has been little…” She sniffed. “…hard around here.” 

Now it was my turn to say that I knew, that I understood her. 

We continued our conversation a while. Saana told me that they were waiting for news about the plane which was still missing and they would plan the funerals and stuff after it. If Sara would let them. She had had total break down after the news and didn’t want to believe that his twin brother was gone. It had been hard for the family, but they understood her and tried their best to ease her pain.

While listening to Saana I couldn’t help the float of memories. It was funny how much she reminded me of Sauli; her way to talk, her positiveness and even how she looked like. For me she had always been the Sauli’s sister - more than his twin sister Sara. And I thought that Sauli had felt… felt the same way in some level.

After the call I was more confused than anyway relieved. It had been weird talking with Sauli’s sisters without him around and talking in the past tense about him. It had made my stomach knot. I didn’t anymore know which side I should take. 

Saana’s or Sara’s? 

Is he dead or alive? 

My mind swarmed now of memories of Sauli as I laid me back down on my side and pulled my legs to my chest to hug them. I felt sick of despair and longing.

Newly formed tears pricked my eyes.

I just still couldn’t believe it. The accident - it had not happened. It couldn’t. He must still be alive. Alive and breathing. He couldn’t be on that plane. He’s in Sydney right now. He’s having a good time. His phone just doesn’t work. Or he is still pissed and doesn’t want to call me. He always had bad luck with his flights; they were late, he was late, they broke down at the airport or never shown up. But he was too lucky bastard to step on the one that crashes down. It was simply impossible.

Just. Impossible.

 

***

 

I had turned myself to lie on my back and watched numbed the same fly on the ceiling than earlier when I heard the front door open. I didn’t move a finger because I already knew who it was. 

“Addy. Are you there?”

I just slurred something out as an answer. I doubt that he even heard it.

From the corner of my eye I saw a familiar figure appearing around the corner with bags and disappearing into the kitchen. A moment later it appeared again to the hall and walked towards me. 

“Addy…how do you feel?”

I cringed. Again that annoying question.

I turned to look directly at Will, who now sat on the edge of the couch. I hoped my face told the story.

“Like shit?” He asked me gently.

I nodded and turned my focus back on the white ceiling, but the fly had already flown away. 

Even fucking flies left me!

I squished my eyes closed. I could feel my emotions overflowing again at anytime soon.

A warm hand appeared to stroke my head and I sighted. It felt so good. So comforting. 

“I know, Wolfy. I know. Neil called.” Will said to me soothingly and kept on stroking my head. ”But I’m here for you.”

To be honest I wouldn’t have cope all this without Will. He was now my stone, my safety nest.   
I felt so secure when Will was here, next to me, that for the first time that day I let my guards down and started to cry. Really cry. Will stopped stroking me and laid himself beside me. He pulled me closer to him and I bored my head to his chest. He kept petting me gently while I moaned my grief out. 

Sauli…I missed him like hell.

I still couldn’t comprehend what had happened and that he was gone. And deep in down, I still didn’t believe in all this.

But thank god that I had Will.

 

***

 

We had lain there probably an hour or even hours when my mobile peeped again. This time I didn’t have any strength left in me to pick it up and read the message. It might be nothing important. 

Nothing was important nowadays.

“Do you want me to look at it?” Will asked me and after a moment of thinking I gave him a nod of approval.

Will picked up my mobile and started to tap out the buttons. After a while I heard him caught his breath sharply. I opened my eyes to look what was wrong.

“What is it, Will?”

Will stared the screen of my mobile and bit his lower lip. He swallowed visible. I tensed because I knew it was something bad. It wouldn’t otherwise take Will this long to tell me what he had just read. I stared at him my eyes screaming for an answer.

He turned to look at me. His eyes were unreadable and I could see that he was thinking hard what to say to me. And how.

I had a sinking feeling that he was going to say was nothing happy-happy-joy-joy stuff.

Will took a quick glance at the screen as for affirmation before he put his hand on top of mine and took a long deep breath. 

“Adam…” He said finally. 

“They have found the plane.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	5. Sauna Island

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to put you guys wait but here you go. New chapter. 
> 
> I will try to update one more before I'll be out of the reach of the Internet connection for a month.

Sauli’s POV

No…

No…

Just…no.

All the hope I had build inside of me flushed away in a blink of an eye.

I couldn’t believe what I saw. The view in front of me was like from my worst nightmare.

I stood on the edge of a rock, which rose hardly above the palm trees nearby. We had followed the shoreline until we had run into it. It was like a giant hand had pushed the rock directly up from the ground, its slopes mainly dead straight and forest of tropical trees and palms growing on it. 

Try to visualize Bart Simpson in front of you. That’s how it looked like.

To see larger area at once we had decided to climb up to the top, but it had taken us a time to find a perfect spot. Getting to the top had took its time too because we had had to be careful not to fall down. 

When finally reaching the plateau I had run through the forest until I had stopped at the edge of a cliff. Waves had hit its walls below me and the ocean had continued as far as the eye could reach. I had spun around and dashed to other direction almost knocking Tiina over on the way.

And now I stood here, on the other side of the plateau.

My eyes followed the line of trees until it made a wide U-turn, returning back, and finally ending to where it had started, again and again. 

A full circle. A stretched circle. But it only meant one thing…

… we were on an island…

… and there was nothing else around us than tons of sea water. Only islands to be seen were a line of small rocky islands which followed the rock I was standing on and they formed “a tail” to the island. Otherwise it was just endless glittering waiving blueness.

And the island was inhabitant.

No village, no smoke to be seen, no boats, no voices.

Nothing.

Only desperation…

…and plausible dead.

It took some time for this reality to sink in. Numbing shock waves went through my body. The realization hit me so powerful that it almost knocked me physically down. I burst into tears and shouted and cursed fiercely. I stamped my foot so hard that I managed to hurt it in the way. I squeaked in pain and suddenly felt unfamiliar hand on my shoulder.

“Sauli...?”

I flinched away from the hand and spun around to face its owner.

If Tiina had not looked downhearted a while ago, she was definitely now. But I just couldn’t care less right now. I was acting like an idiot, I know, but it was all too fresh. Too much had happened in so little time. And I needed time to digest it all.

I didn’t look directly at Tiina, more past her, to the wood and the ocean behind her, but my stubborn eyes kept creeping towards something familiar. Travelling too close to that printed image.

A mistake.

The eyes filled my mind completely. His eyes. The same ones which have looked at me on the very first day we had met. Those deep, intensive eyes with black eyeliner. Ones, which have been full of desire and passion couple hours later. Ones, I would never forget. And seemly wasn’t allowed to.

Pissed off I kept on staring firmly at the ocean.

Why? 

From a billion options…

Why I had to get stuck on a desert island with a person who constantly reminded me of Adam?

I squeezed my eyes closed and fought back the tears.

“I can take it off…if you want.”

I bowed my head in my hands and blew a breath out slowly. The voice had been so dispirited that for some reason I felt a sting of shame on my chest. 

She was a fan of Adam but so what. It didn’t give me any reason to be mean at her but…I just…it was just that too much had happened. Between me and Adam. But she didn’t know that, right. How could she? She didn’t know about our fight or anything how things were between us after our official break-up. She might though she knew it but in the end it was mainly just the fantasy the fandom had created around us. 

Besides, how I or other friends of Adams treated his fans correlated to how they saw or thought about Adam. We were the mass around him and what we did or said was in some level interpret that Adam approved it too. Because we were there, in his inner circle, admitted by him. And if you stepped in that circle, you were in and involved in the whole packet. Not a part of it - the whole. 

And if you couldn’t take it, better hop out later than never. But I would support him even my own place in his ring was unknown at the moment. 

I let my hand fell down on my sides and I turned to look at Tiina. How could I ever explain it to her without spilling out too much?

“No…no, it’s just…” I paused. I really didn’t know what I should say.

“It’s ok. I just like…freaked out. Ok? There’s…Well. I don’t know. It’s been rough. Lots of shit and more…shit. Just give me time.” I mumbled while rubbing my neck. It was burning because of strong sun shine. 

I should cover it before it would really burn.

Before we left our shelter earlier that day I had though first wrapping my T-shirt around my head like some kind of turban but had abandoned the idea. I hadn’t wanted to show my naked upper body to Tiina. The fact that she was a fan of my ex and who knows what “shipper”, it had suddenly felt uncomfortable to show bare skin. 

And nakedness wasn’t usually a problem to me.

However, I doubt she had said…or done anything… but right then, I had been freaked by the whole revelation. 

But the sun was high up now. The day was on its hottest and the air was humid. My T-shirt had glued to my sweating body and it felt really nasty. 

I frowned.

To hell my earlier feelings! Do I really need to act constantly like an idiot? 

So I took my T-shirt off and tight it around my head to protect me from getting sunstroke and burn my head and neck. 

We had real problems to solve. Like I was getting really thirsty now. As probably Tiina was too. There was nothing more important now than finding water and something to eat. 

I watched back at Tiina who was now looking down to the ground, her arms folded across her chest as for security. She seemed to be deep in her thoughts.

“You know… “ She started suddenly before I could say a word. She still was watching down. ”I freaked out too when I recognized you. I had thought about it so often what I would say if I ever bumped into you or Adam and every time I was in LA with my last family I wished I would see you guys. But then you just… sat right next to me on that fucking plane...just like that! How random is that? I never thought I could be that lucky. ”

She lifted her head up and said sternly the next part. “But I’m not a stalker or whatever! I love Adam and his music and you just came along as his boyfriend. And I won’t lie that I had wished more years for you two but…” She shrugged. ” What can you do? It’s your choice.”

I hummed to that.

You can just say that again! It had been our choice, even though it wasn’t that simple at all. Especially when you self had started to have second thoughts…

“Just…don’t ask about him…or us.”

Tiina raised her eyebrows and looked at me like I was talking nonsense. 

“I think I’m more into finding water and food than asking about him at the moment.”

Touché. I had been stupid to think otherwise.

“ But let see again when you have your weak moment…”

 

***

 

The climb back down took us little longer time than what it had taken to get on the top. Fractures and its corners were sometimes quite slippery and full of loose stones so we had to be careful. Luckily we got down in one piece.

This half of the island ended to this rock, so we walked around it to the other side. This side of the island seemed to be rockier and windier than the side we had been. But before we would continue our walk, we studied this side of the rock. 

One part of the cliff seemed to glitter from wetness.

To our surprise and joy we spotted wide wet lines running down a rock wall. But unfortunately water came out so slowly that you basically needed to lick it from the rocky layer. 

It was as good as licking wet sandpaper. 

I became frustrated.

Why the hell we couldn’t be shipwrecked to an island with a waterfall or something….and with a beach bar…and a restaurant…and a hotel with the Internet connection? 

Arght!

But it was better than nothing so we licked wet surface, and about a half an hour later continued our expedition, our mouths wet enough to satisfy us and bodies full of who knows what minerals.

The shore at this side of the island was also sandy but not wide as on “our” side. Also you could see more stones here and there. I tried to walk carefully, for not to hurt my left feet, because I only wore double socks on it. The climb had already cost me couple small holes to the uppermost sock and I didn’t want to break them both.

But I welcomed the wind even it was warm. It still eased my sweating a bit.

We had walked almost to the half way when a sudden loud crack startled us both, almost scaring the daylights out of us. 

Near, under a palm, lay a broken brown shell of a coconut. It had fallen down from the tree and hit a stone under it.

We run to the spot, both hoping that we could feast on its water but were disappointed. The shell had cracked so that all water had spilled out from it.

But to think positive – its meat was left. 

So we sat down and with the help of a sharp stone, which I had found nearby, we nicked pieces of fruit meat from the shell. 

It was a heavenly meal. I doubt I have ever appreciated any meal like that one in whole life.

After I had eaten my share and was lying under the shadows of the palm tree I started to think. 

If we wouldn’t find any source of fresh water (you couldn’t really count that moisture on the wall as one), we still had coconuts. However, I was used to buy my coconut water in bottles from a cooler. But here you picked up a whole coconut on your hand and then had to figure out how to drill through its brown hairy shell. I remembered to have heard that it was a pain in the ass job. 

One familiar kid’s song popped up to my mind just there.

“How to break a coconut…” I sang in a silent voice and giggled when an image of a man wearing a white rabbit suit and playing banjo etched into my vision. I still could hear him singing the song about the man who tried to break a coconut ending up breaking everything else than the coconut itself with his unique squeaky voice while another man with a grey cat suit was playing piano at the background.

No wonder we Finns were weird…even our kid’s shows were so weird.

I heard silent singing next to me and an amused smile crept to my face. 

It seemed that there was another one who had watched her Pikku Kakkonen…

I started to sing a little louder and the voice followed my example. I sang again little louder and louder and the voice behind me did the same. We continued until we were basically yelling the lyrics. The final straw was when Tiina changed her voice to match more to the original singer’s voice. 

I totally lost it there.

I burst into wild, uncontrollable laughter and spent next minutes rolling about on sand. We both almost choked with laughter.

If there still had been any tension between us it was totally gone by now. That incident broke completely the ice between us.

 

***

 

By afternoon we had already explored almost the whole shoreline to find fresh water and food. 

The island itself wasn’t too big. Not even a kilometer long and hardly more than 100 meters wide. But wide enough that you couldn’t see through the forest (or should I say jungle?) to the other side of the island. But there seemed to be coconuts and mangos (we had found a group of them at the other end of the island) available but no easy source of water you could drink on. We still needed to explore the inner land, but I wasn’t letting my hopes up. We had see nor a river or a stream. 

It wasn’t very promising.

Too soon we were back where we had left this morning. 

Our lean-to was still standing and the sand in front of it full of footprints which led away, towards that big rock. 

I slumped down under a palm tree and huffed loudly.

Still I was content. My mouth wasn’t overall dry and I had had some kind of a dinner, even though, it had been just coconut meat and mango.

Tiina came to sit next to me and we shared this silent moment of gathering our thoughts.

We should form some kind of plan. Decide what we should do…and maybe what not, because, to be honest, this was not going to be too easy trip for us.

And who knows how long we would need to stay here. They did look for us, didn’t they? At least I hoped so…

Tiina was this time the one to break the silence.

“I just don’t get it.”

I looked at her with question marks in my eyes. She motioned towards the forest and palms near us

“Here grow trees. They need water, right?” 

I nodded so she continued,

“Where they get it?”

I thought a moment about her question. It was a good one. Where they roots went… 

“I don’t know. Underground? However there are like tons of water over there. “I said while motioning to the ocean. I wasn’t being totally serious with that last sentence.

“No, I meant fresh water. They need to get it somewhere…What did you just say?”

“Erm…that there’s water over…”

“No. You said underground…”

I t was like a light bulb had lighten up above her head. She rocketed up and took off for the rock.

I was surprised and confused. I tried to shout at her but she didn’t hear me, so I lifted up and ran after her.

A moment later we stood in front of the dead-straight walls. Tiina hadn’t said a word since we had left our camp and was now looking for something. We walked along rock wall until we got to the spot where streams of water came slowly down from the cracks of the rock.

To see that scene again sent me back into frustration.

Why the hell couldn’t it a waterfall? Like they always have in paradise islands showed in the movies and so.

During my frustration break Tiina had, to my surprise, started to dig with her bare hands dirt away close to the cliff. It looked painfully slow and I didn’t catch on why even bother to do something like that. 

It must kill her hands to do so.

I just watched her until she raised her head and gave me this ‘mind helping me’ look. For some reason I just kneeled down without bothering to question what was the point of all this digging and started to help her. It ended up being somehow meditating. Digging was so monotonous task that for the first time I could just relax and think other things than surviving. 

Like the incident at Leilas.

I tried to push away the image of the flaming eyes before it would drown me into sad depression.

 

***

 

The sun was already setting when suddenly Tiina cried out. 

I was on pee at that time and was so frightened that something bad had happened that I ran back like a wind to find excited Tiina holding her hands up again. But this time she looked excited. 

I looked at her hands and they were still dirty. But were they now dirty like muddy-way dirty? 

She motioned me to come nearer and we both looked to the hole. This time you could see that the soil had started to get wet. Then it all suddenly...or at last...came clear to me. 

We were making a dwell! 

What an idiot I have been. Of course! That water had to come from somewhere, right. And if there is no river or so, it had to be underground. And what is the best place to dig than where it might also infiltrate into the ground.

We looked at each other and smiled like crazy. Tiina totally beamed. 

She was going to safe us! 

I let out a joyous cry and hugged her tightly. We both laughed of happiness. Even we were both very tired by now we still kept digging deeper and deeper and expanding the area. 

Just before the sun would set down we stopped our work and looked how the bottom of the deep hole filled with water. It was not clear and clean like in our standard but for us it was like purest mountain spring water. 

We drank water like fishes until it was bitch dark.

Content, our stomachs full of water we lay on the warm sand and listened a sleepy hum of the ocean. We were too worn-out to walk back to our camp, and besides, it was so dark that we would have probably walked past it.

For the first time during these two days we had spent here, I felt happy and positive.

We will survive. We can take this. Just couple more…couple more days….right?

The thought faded away when I watched the scenery above me. The sky was unbelievably beautiful; a dark mat full of sparkling stars and stardust. More than you could ever see in town.

Just dazzling.

“This reminds me of one song.” Tiina said next to me. We both were still looking up to the sky. 

“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?” I suggested. It had come to my mind first.

“Nope. Semi Precious Weapons ‘Look to the Stars’”

“Oh…that.” 

It was that song Adam had tweeted long ago. When I was in Finland. For DOI. It had been a message to me. We had talked about giving us a second chance and he had wanted to show me at he was serious.

“I know it was meant for you.” 

Tiina’s voice had a spice of certainty in it. I didn’t want to admit that she was right but I was too tired to fight back too either. So the only answer I gave her was a silent maybe. She didn’t question me more.

We didn’t say a word for a while and I thought that Tiina had already fallen asleep.

I still watched the starry sky, ecstatic. I had always loved the beauty of the world. 

It wasn’t meant to come out but without thinking I just let out a dreamy sigh, 

“You could call this paradise.”

I heard a movement next to me and I could feel her eyes on me. 

“Well, that’s not a bad idea.” 

I let out a questioning hum. What did she mean by that?

“Well, you know. Maybe we really should like…personalize this place. Give it a name or something.”

I sneered slightly. Was she serious? 

“Any suggestions?” 

My head was empty as Justin Bieber’s future bank account and I really wasn’t in a mood to come up with names to this place. 

“Fucking… island?” I suggested as a half joke.

“You wish. Anything else?”

One TV-series popped up to my mind then.

“The Lost Island!”

I bit my lips for not to giggle. I could feel Tiina piercing me with her eyes.

“Thanks for the nightmares. Can you take this seriously?”

But I was already tuning out. The day had been long and I was totally worn-out. I tried to change the subject.

“Damn it was a hot day. Like in sauna. I think I go to sw…”

“That’s it!”

I raised a questioning eyebrow at her sudden enthusiasm.

She had now turned her gaze back to the sky while whisking her right hand like it would help her to find the right words. 

A smile tried to creep across my lips.

“It would be like…like…” A flick of her fingers. “Sau from SAUli and na from TiiNA. SAU and NA! Sauna Island! Or we can call it just Sauna because it’s…”

I couldn’t help anymore but laugh at her growing enthusiasm. We Finns did have this weird obsession to sauna; thinking about our good-old Finnish sauna even if we were in a desert island. 

Sauna Island. Is there anything more Finnish than that?

“So Sauna Island it will be then.” 

It was a deal then. During that night we built the base for our future bond and vowed to stay a side to each other. Together we could survive from our stay here in the Sauna Island. Population: 2.

And to crown our commitment, we both spent next two days crouching behind the bushes for the sake of diarrhea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?
> 
>    
> They actually do advice to search water underground (dig a hole and so) as S&T did here if you ever end up on a desert island.  
> Plus lesson 1: Never drink water you don't know is pure unless you don't have any other option. It may...well...you know it by now.
> 
> For those who hadn't have the pleasure to know Gommi & Pommi please check web page http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDXYsArk1J4 . They sing the coconut song on this video. :)


	6. In order…his order

Adam's POV:

The world spun around and life continued around me…unfortunately.

The media’s interest in the plane crash and devastated ex had slowly died out over a week when nothing devastatingly extraordinary had happen. It was a relief as I could almost again live my normal life – except that one piece was missing. 

But the normal life meant also work. 

I had already postponed the start of shootings of my new music video almost a month and I understood from my manager that if I wanted to do it I have to do it now or leave it undone. So one morning I stood in the middle of the studio next to the music video director and stared the set in front of me disbelievingly.

Were they serious?

“You’re serious?” I asked loud and pointed at the set, which looked like a girl from third grade had painted and arranged it

The director just hummed and nodded his head once at the same time. 

I took a new look at the set. I seriously wanted to hit somebody.

“It’s an energetic rock song not a…some…kind of…Hippy-Happy-We-Have-So-Much-Fun catchy tune from Sesame Street.” I groaned.

“Well that is what mister himself wanted.” The director said boldly. “I gave you two options.”

I glared at him. He was so starting to irritate me. And we hadn’t even started the shootings yet.

“That’s not even close what I had it pictured in my mind! Not even a million miles away!” I shouted. I had thought that an old library room meant classy old furniture, dark wood, chandeliers and thick books - not a kid’s section in public library. Ok, it was more like gothic library meets the rainbow. But still!

“Like for example…what is that pink lamp over there?”

“It’s just for these four scenes…” The director tried to smoothen but I wasn’t buying it.

“It’s a fucking pink lamp!” I screamed.

“But…”

“Pink. Lamp.” I stressed both words.

The director stared at me a couple of minutes. You could see that he was marking me on to his list of difficult customers. I didn’t give a fuck. I would not stand next to that lamp while I was singing about breaking free. So I stared him back messaging that I would not bend with this one.

The director sighted defeated and shouted at one of the assistants,  
“Pete! Get that lamp away from the set!”

Hah! 1 for me - 0 for the boss man.

Two hours later and we were already ready to kill each others.

He was so irritating because he was not satisfied with anything I did. 

When I wasn’t believable.

When I was in wrong place.

When my hair was wrong.

When I didn’t look enough intensive to the camera.

When I was doing it too porn.

No need to say that we didn’t get along every well and it started to show. We both let the sparks fly every now and then, shouting rude comments at each other and once I pointed a middle finger to him. 

Last straw was when the director claimed that my singing looked like a death fish was closing and opening its mouth. It ended up that me and the director both shouted at the top of our voices, almost jumping at each other’s throats. A couple filming assistants came between us to try to calm down the situation but it didn’t help much.

A clear voice cut through the tensed air like a knife.

“We take a break now. I need to talk with Mr. Lambert.”

We all stopped right there and turned our attention towards the source of the voice. A short well-dressed woman with long black hair stood at the studio door and watched us with her piercing brown eyes.

We all stared back at her expectant, not even daring to breathe.

If there was one thing everybody should know about Juanita Santos (or Nita like she wanted her to be called), it was that, despite her surname, she was not a saint. She could make anyone - being it a president, dictator or Chuck Norris - to crawl in front of her by a flick of her fingers.

Nita had been hired by my label to arrange and supervise my music video shootings, even though, she never walked over me. 

Or I thought so.

She had this weird way say that she agreed without meaning it, and in the end, you did it in her way. And when you realized it – it was already too late.

“Lambert, could you come over here?”

I pushed myself off the hands of the assistant, who had tried to keep me away from hitting the director and walked to the other end of the room. I followed Nita out of the studio - but not without sticking my tongue out at Mr. ‘the Asshole’ Director. 

How mature…

I walked behind Nita like a school kid heading to principal’s office along the corridors until she opened a door left. We stepped in a room, which seemed to be some kind of temporary personal office/ resting room. I half expected to see a boxing bag hanging in the corner.

While I was letting my eyes wander around the room I didn’t notice that Nita had stopped in the middle of the room and spun around to face me. I almost banged into her.

I took couple hasty steps backwards and lifted my eyes to glance at her. She stared at me back waitingly with her arms crossed. My mind blanked totally. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or ask or was I to wait that she says something first.

The silence between us was intimidating as hell.

I had to say something.

“I know, I know Nita what you gonna say but he is just so damn…” I began to stutter but she just lifted her eyebrow to shut me up. 

What was with this woman to make you to shit in your pants with just a movement of an eye?

“Well, I wasn’t going to talk about that but now mentioned it, stop being such a bitch. You should start to think about your career for once instead of living the third stage of grief. You need to get this out to keep people interested.”

What the fuck she meant with that third stage?

“I know, I know. But…”

“You stutter, Lambert. Stop it.”

I shut my mouth. Nita looked pleased a second until her face turned back to more serious look.

“And you should stop drinking that wine you have. It makes you cranky.“ 

Before I could protest to that she continued, 

“We have a problem. Sit down.”

We sat on a green leather couch and Nita opened the laptop on the coffee table.

“Your publicist sent me a picture I should show you. Do you know about it?”

I had no idea what she was talking about so I shook my head. Nita looked little skeptical but she didn’t say a word. She opened a file from her email. 

A picture opened to the screen but I didn’t see anything weird about it. Just one pretty face with another man. I smiled slightly.

But then Nita scrolled the image larger and it hit me.

I gasped. 

My eyes went wide and I was totally speechless.

I hadn’t been online whole day and I already regretted that I had not opened my laptop or mobile at least once.

But there it was now.

A picture of my Will walking with his big brother Tony. 

But it had been taken already over week ago, in a day when I was supposed “to announce” Will as my boyfriend. So his black eye was visible and he…had not worn his sun glasses on.

Nita clicked the picture away and opened the Explorer. The same picture popped up again, but this time in some news site.

Headlines below the picture screamed that I had been behind those bruises. Lover’s brawl they claimed.

I wanted to hit my head right there and curse. I wanted to drive to their editorial office, rage and scream my head out to all of them. 

Those stupid gossip spreaders! Couldn’t they let me be in peace just a fucking moment?!

And what kind of headlines would that action cause…

“You should do something.”

The dry command made me cringe but I nodded for understanding, my eyes never leaving from the screen. There was really only one way to solve this thing and I needed to make a phone call for that.

Nita left the room so I could be in peace. I lay back on the coach and raked my fingers through my hair. 

I just hoped he had time to talk because we needed to act fast with this one.

But I couldn’t stop the nagging sound in my head that kept on saying that I should have talked with him long ago.

 

***

 

“Hi handsome!” The sweet voice from the other end of the line greeted me.

“Hi liar.” I answered to Will, trying to sound as relaxed as I could. “Do you have time to talk?”

“Yeah. I did answer, right? I’m on a break. Finally!” 

I could hear from Will’s voice he had had a rough day. He worked (read slaved) in his grandpa’s restaurant, doing almost everything they could put you to do there – except working near the main chef, his uncle. 

Uncle Alfonso, or Alf, was very intimidating sight with his big cook belly and angry eyes. He also was as tall as me but when you met him he felt at least two feet taller. Will did know how to cook, and well indeed, but he would never do it with his uncle. He could help here and there but uncle Alf…he was just a demon from hell. 

At work and in real life. 

And uncle Alf treated Will as a crap because he didn’t like the fact that his nephew was a gay and, which seemed to disturb him more, didn’t have an Italian first name. So he called Will as Vito or, if really pissed, fucking Ricchione.

I learned later from Will’s brother Tony that ricchione meant homosexual in Italian and that it was very offensive word.

I took my hat off to Will that he still worked there and stood that bullshit. But he loved his grandpa and to him the family was most important. 

“What is it Wolfy? Is everything ok?” 

There was a hint of concern in Will’s voice so I replied positively to win time. I needed to place my words carefully when I would state my request which was a demand for real.

We talked a sweet nonsense a couple of minutes before I thought it was best to cut the crap and get down to business.

“Will, sweetie. Mmm…You remember the day we were supposed to go to the opening of Funky Eel?”

“Yeah..?” He answered.

“And you went to see your brother before you came to my place?”

“Yes. What about it?”

Time to get to the point.

“You were spotted.”

The line was silent a moment.

“Erm. What do you mean?” He didn’t have any clue why he should be worried.

“A fucking paparazzi took same photos of you and…” It had come out too accusingly. I took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly to calm myself before I would continue.

“Your black eye shows in them.”

“So..? What’s your point?” Will asked me confused but now there was a slight of irritation in his voice. 

I needed to choose my word more carefully before he would think I was accusing him.

“Willy. There’s a rumor going around that I did it.”

Will’s breath hitched on the other end of the line.

“Oh fuck! Fuck. But it wasn’t you! It was Sow…him.” I cringed when he stressed the word ‘him’. “But why now? It was over week ago!”

“Maybe they weren’t sure about our relationship then and perhaps that other …news…got in a way. But you know Will. We will need to talk. About the press and so. You need to be more careful, honey. ”

“You don’t say that…”

“No no no. Don’t even start. I don’t like blame you. I blame me. I didn’t prepare you for this properly.”

“Yeah.” 

Poor Will. This was all new to him and his introduction with press wasn’t beginning very well.

“But shouldn’t you do something about it?” Will asked a moment later.

“Yeah, I was coming to that…” 

Time for the best part of being Adam Lambert’s boyfriend. 

“You need to correct it.” 

“Me?” You could hear a shock in Will’s voice. “But I…I…I don’t know what I should do.”

“Could you just like…react to it, ok?” I knew I asked him big, but he needed to do this.“Tweet that it wasn’t me. That it was an accident or something…”

“An accident…?” There was now a touch disbelieving in his voice. 

I sighted heavily. 

How do you explain to other – the one that was hurt – that he didn’t need to say just everything? To avoid extra fuss and speculation.

“Could you do that, Willy? For me? Please?” I pleaded. I tried to keep my voice gentle but still stern. ”It wouldn’t look good if I jump in front first and deny it all. Otherwise, they will feast on it even more. I need you to do it.”

I could hear Will take deep breaths while pondering about what I had just said to him. I could sense his irritation over the subject and I understood him. I had been forced to swallow my pride and talk shit so many times that it came almost naturally to me these days. I hated it but it was just part of the job. 

And Will needed to learn the lesson.

“Ok, Adam. I’ll do something.”

I let out the breath I didn’t know I had held.

“Just tell the truth without saying the truth. That it wasn’t me, it was an accident, you run to the door at work… No, it’s a cliché! Wait. Just… tell it was an accident, someone’s elbow or hand hit you at the kitchen. It’s believable. Restaurant kitchens are quite chaotic. Everybody knows that. And send it right away. It will hopefully calm down the fuss over the subject.”

Will hummed as an answer and I smiled to the phone. I hoped he knew now what to do. I gently pressed him over the subject once more and promised that he could text his tweet text to me so that I could check it before he publishes it. We then ended the call after quick loveyous.

I put my mobile down and frowned. A nasty ache was slowly creeping up inside my head and I rubbed my temples to ease it a bit.

The call hadn’t given my any particular sense of relief.

I had so forgotten to prepare him to this. 

I should have remembered that Will didn’t have the same knowledge to handle press or publicity like Sauli had. It had been so easy with him, because he knew the laws of celebrity and media actions. And he had handled it pretty well. And he had been ok with it…at least after he had got used to the American way. 

Well…or I thought so.

As Sauli had come up to my mind I decided to take the advantage of having the laptop in front of me. So I typed a certain webpage to a search field and clicked the first link on the list.

I didn’t understand a word from the page but my mood sunk still. 

No picture of Sauli in the front page. 

So they haven’t found him. 

I scrolled down the page as long as I saw a familiar map picture, which showed the spot on the Pacific where the plane had been found. I opened the link but nothing there did look new or fresh. 

I typed a new web address to the address field while the dark clouds formed above my head.

My eyes saw red when the red-white logo appeared to in front of my eyes.

Because of them my Sauli was on the bottom of the ocean. Curse them. Curse them to hell.

But this page that Virgin Australia had created where they gathered all the information about the accident was the best way to find new information. 

I read new two links.

The investigations were luckily still on and it seemed now that, even though the plane had broken when hitting water, it had not sunk right away. There was a minor possibility that some passengers had got outside and escaped the sinking plane. But so far they had only found six bodies and lots of trash.

So… no news about survivals. 

I closed the laptop with a slam and buried my face to my hands. The oppressive feeling inside of me grew and grew into uncomfortable level.

Oh lord. Why?

Why?

Why wasn’t it time for a miracle? At least this one time?

Because every new day, every minute, every passing second meant a step away from that. A miracle. That Sauli would be found alive. That he would be alive.

Hope that I had built inside of me when they found the plane was slowly fading away.

And would eventually die someday.

 

***

Next day I sat in the office of my psychotherapist and listened to her talk uninterested. I sat there every second day for the sake of my parents. I still didn’t feel need to go there even though I understood now that Sauli was on that plane, the plane crashed and probably…was…dead.

“Have you drunk more than usual?”

I startled and lifted my eyes from the floor to see my psychotherapist’s waiting face. I shook my head to clear my mind and tried to count all the wine bottles I had drunk past two days.

I couldn’t.

“I don’t know.” I said truthfully. To be honest I didn’t know the answer.

“Hmmm…” She hummed and wrote something down to her papers.

“I think you’re now between stage two and three.” She said almost inaudible. I had to lean nearer to hear her. “You are accepting that the loss that has happened is true but it still confuses you.” She continued without lifting her eyes from her papers. I found it somehow very irritating. “Maybe you even blame yourself that it happened. Drink to forget or break stuff? But it’s important that you keep your friends close now. And it’s good that you have a boyfriend. Very good. How is he handling your grief by the way? Has he showed any tiredness over the subject yet?”

After the final question she finally lifted her head up and glanced at me. I blew out the breath that I didn’t know I had hold. I also noticed just then that I had clenched my hand into a fist. I tried to open it without letting my therapist to see it but probably failed as she next started to talked about how I should talk openly with my family and friends and also find a way how to get my stress and angry out of me. 

For example do boxing.

Or sing something powerful like opera.

I said I would pick the last one.

Fifteen minutes of nonsense advises later I was finally released. 

My mom waited me in the waiting room. She stood up and came to hug me once I stepped out of the office. I hugged her back and sighted relieved. I think I felt most relaxed when she was around. She was better therapist than the one I paid for. 

Back at my place I placed a cappuccino in front of her on the bar counter and sat next to her. She took two sips before she turned to face me.

“Honey. Does that therapy help you?”

Bluntly to the subject. I love you, mom.

“Do you want an honest answer?”

She nodded. 

“Not much.” I answered her truthfully. I took a sip from my own coffee.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

From the first appointment I had felt it had been waste of time. At first I wasn’t ready to admit that Sauli might be dead or even was on the flight. But my feelings hadn’t changed even my mind had slowly accepted that fact that he had been there. That it had happened to him. But was he dead… 

“Maybe you should give her a chance.” Mom spoke gently.

I smiled at her. That was so typical from her.

“Mom.” I said. “I don’t feel like talking to her. I prefer speaking with you or dad or Danielle or Allison or some other my friend.”

“Have you heard anything about Koskinens?”

I fixed my eyes to the kitchen tiles on the wall. I tried to remember the phone call just another day.

“They’re hanging on. Sara is still in stage of denial.” 

Sara had still claimed that Sauli was alive. But the rest of the family was slowly accepting the lost. 

I could only imagine what they felt. Especially Sara.  
My eyes watered.

“You know mom.” I felt the sudden need to confess. My voice shivered when I said the last part. ”He’s dead because of me.” 

She stopped her coffee cup in the midway and looked at me shocked.

“Honey. Don’t you ever think like that! It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault in any way.”

“But I shouted at him.” I cried. “The last memory he had from me was me angry and shouting at him. And…“

I leaned my head to my arms on the bar table and started to cry. 

“Sweetie. Calm down now. Calm down.” Mom stroked my back and tried to soothe me.

It didn’t help much. Sauli’s fierce eyes were now flowing in front of my closed eyes. It was horrible. I hated it.

“Mom, I can’t get out of my head his eyes.” I groaned now angrily. “He was so furious at me. I want to remember his happy face, not that. When he’s angry…”

Mom sighted sadly. She kept on rubbing my back and soothing me gently. 

I didn’t say a word for a long time. 

But suddenly my mood changed from sad to total outrage. The thought that had popped into my head just irritated too much.

I sprang up so forcefully that I almost fell backwards with my chair. I slammed my both fists to the bar counter.

“Why the hell he wanted to go there?!” I yelled. “He should have known it could crash down. He should have thought about me. That fucking…Finn.” I cursed to the air before I again collapsed against the counter.

My nerves were in shreds. I was so tired. 

So tired of all this. So tired.

Luckily my mom stayed with me all afternoon until Will came finally home from work.

 

***

 

Two days later I was outraged. Again. It seemed to be the continual state of mind past days. Everything just irritated me.

And now I stood in the middle of my master bathroom and stared in front of me, misbelieving what I saw.

I was so angry. My temples pulsed, eardrums throbbed. I tried to breathe in, breathe out. Trying very hard not to break everything around me.

But…

How...dared…he?

“Will!!!”

I heard his muted answer from somewhere in the house but I kept on shouting and calling him until his head appeared from the bathroom door.

“Wolfy, what’s the matter?” He asked me, his eye full of worry. 

Nice try but you don’t fool me.

“Have you touched in those?” I kept on yelling at him even he was just couple feet away from me.

Will looked at me confused.

“Yeah…this… morning. “ He answered me uncertain, “Addy, could you please just not shout at me, ok? I do hear you.” 

“But they’re in wrong order” I kept on barking. How could he not understand? It was so obvious.

For some reason Will looked at me wary. Like he had done nothing wrong. That bitch.

“Erm…what are in wrong order?”

I exploded right there.

“Those fucking shampoos over there!!” I screamed my head off and pointed fiercely at the line of shampoos, conditioners and other bottles on a shelf next to the tub.

Will’s face was worth of seeing. He looked at me with his frightened eyes wide and mouth popped open, like I had completely lost my mind. But I glared at him back with my flaming eyes. He had still not answered me properly yet. 

“Well?” I asked emphatically. I still waited what he had for defense. I could see I had scared him. 

“I…I didn’t…know there was some…order for them. “ He stuttered. He looked so pitiful that you might have felt sorry for him if he hadn’t been the one messing things up.

“Yes, there has!” I pointed out. How he could act like he didn’t know that.

“Well. I’m sorry.”

“You should be!”

I walked demonstratively next to the shelf and started to arrange bottles to right places. Will stood still on the same spot and stared at me.

“They’ve always been in colour and type order, you see.” I lectured him while lifting one bottle up and placing it between other two. “Like this. First shampoos, then conditioners, shower gels and last body creams. From light to dark. That simple. Like he always arranged them.”

I froze on my tracks when it sunk into me what I had just said: Like he always. 

I could feel Will’s eyes piercing my back.

“Oh. You meant in his order.”

I cringed. My head was clear now and suddenly my outburst felt so extremely ridiculous. 

In his order. Where had that come from?

“I think I need to go for a walk.”

“Will…”

Will stormed out of the bathroom and I followed him. Before I could stop him he had already his shoes on and he slammed the front door close just under my nose. I pressed my forehead against the cold door and squeezed my eyes closed. I felt like the worst boyfriend of the century. 

Why I was acting like this? Like an asshole. And poor Will had to stand all this bullshit.

I banged my head couple times for a punishment before I left for find my mobile and to call him.

He didn’t answer. And after a half an hour and 100 failed calls later, I tapped my mom’s number.

 

***

 

Little over 7 pm I could finally hear the front door open. I stood up from the couch and basically run to the front room. My heart raced wildly and all my concern and fear over him broke out into tears.

He had been away almost the whole day.

Will stood in the middle of room, his face down and his arms crossed over his chest. He looked so miserable.

“I’m sorry, honey.” He mumbled, afraid to look up at me.

He looked so vulnerable that it hurt. I walked towards him and took him into my arms. I was so relieved that he was ok.

“I’m so sorry. I should understand you. You have hard time and…” Will began to babble to my chest and I could feel my shirt becoming wet where his eyes where. 

“Hush now, babe.” 

“But you lost your friend…ex…and…” He still went on babbling but I hushed him again to stop this nonsense.

I kissed the top of his head. I was just so happy that he was safe.

“I still shouldn’t have yelled at you.” I said to him soothingly, trying to hold back the flood of tears.

I regretted my earlier insane outburst. I didn’t know where it had come from and why. But I was afraid that it wasn’t going to be the last one either.

“You know I will always stay on your side.”

I looked down at Will. He still had his face buried to my chest and I let him be like that. I rested my chin on his head and squeezed him little bit tighter. 

“I know Will. I know it by now, babe.” I shooed and petted his back. 

The rest of the evening we sat on the couch talking and cuddling for a long time. That night, we had a sweet make-up sex - first time after Sauli’s accident.

 

***

 

Next day, after the day’s shootings, I sat with Danielle in a café. I had slowly started to gain my life back by trying to meet my friends outside instead of my home. 

“How’s Will?” Danielle asked her sweet way.

I gave a little smile to her.

“He has been amazing.” I admitted. “Without him I probably had ended up drunken under the bridge or something. He has been my rock these past days.”

“Good.” She said and smiled at me.

“You know sweetie…” She then continued. “…you should start to think about Will. Don’t get me wrong, honey. I also miss Sauli and much but…we need to move on. Ok?” 

She sighted sadly. I gave her a sad smile. 

I knew.

“And Will needs you as a boyfriend.”

She was right. As always.

“You know. I will go to get another cup of coffee. Do you want one?”

I shook my head for no. Danielle nodded and said she will be right back. I watched as she stood up to and walked away towards the bar. She had made me to think.

I had been quite a lousy boyfriend to Will to be honest. My thoughts had run too much on Sauli, Sauli and more on Sauli and he had had to bear it. But he hadn’t complained about it, instead he had been so supportive and understanding; listening me groaning and moaning, watching over me when I had a drink too much and petting me to sleep.

I really needed to make it up to Will.

I would make that promise now.

The promised washed away from my mind when I heard a glimpse of the song playing at the background. I hadn’t paid any attention to it before but the words caught my attention.

“You could be happy  
I won't know  
But you weren't happy  
The day I watched you go…”

Just…perfect.

If anything had been ironical past two years, it had been the amount of heart-breaking break-up songs released during that time. It had been like a cold wet towel had thrown to my face every time I opened my car radio or so. 

Everyone had their own song. Pink, Bruno, A Great Big World, Rihanna…just to name the few. 

And of course…Snow Patrol.

“…all the things  
That I wished I had not said  
Are played on loops  
Till it's madness in my head…”

I could have very well banged my head to the brick wall next to me than listening to this song. It reflected too closely my feelings I had had lately.

I felt so guilty.

Why?

Because I attended to American Idols, I came under the public eye. Because I released couple hits, I gained more fans and success. Because I had success I could go to a tour. Because of the … tour, I met him. Because he was with me, he became a public target and my fans would analyze his every word or movement. Because of my fans he had felt awkward when our anniversary had neared and he had decided to go away.

And because of my outburst, what I said to him, he had caught the flight and flew away.

Flew away to his inevitable dead.

Because of me.

”… of what I remember  
Makes me sure  
I should have stopped you from walking  
Out the door…”

I tried my best to hold back my tears and not to break down there in public.

But I really should have stopped him. I should have calmed myself down before raging like a madman at him. I should have taken him in to my arms instead and calmed him down. He might be alive now. Or at least the last memory of him wouldn’t be his angry face and sad eyes but perhaps a smile instead.

His smile.

Maybe…I should have stopped him on that one particular day too. Long ago.

Maybe.

“…You made me happier  
Than I'd been by far…”

I felt a nasty sting deep in my heart.

 

***

 

Later Danielle found me leaning on the table and crying my eyes out. She thought it was best then to take me home. After a pack of ice cream, a glass of wine and a small interrogation and assurance that Will was back home before she leaves, she hugged me tightly and said I could call her at any time before she left.

She’s such a sweetheart.

That afternoon Will made me the most delicious pizza ever. When I asked why he hadn’t made me that before he had just winked at me and said he had wanted to win my stomach before my belly. I shot daggers at him but he just laughed before he disappeared to the kitchen with the dishes.

I tapped my satisfied belly. 

That man was such a tease. But he had made me feel so good and relax. Like a good boyfriend should. I smiled content and I felt perhaps little…happy.

Unfortunately I had still work to do.

Will whined when I took my laptop from my bag but I soothed him,

“I will be there soon. I still need to do some work. But don’t dare to fall asleep!” I winked at him before I took my diva face on and whined. “And come to kiss me. My lips are dry.”

Will rolled his eyes at me but he walked to my side and leaned to give me a kiss to my lips. I tried to deepen it but he said that I would get more when I come to bed. I moaned but it didn’t help.

He looked at me over his shoulder and waved when he walked towards my bedroom,

I smiled after him and waved back.

Silly man.

But now to work.

So I opened my laptop and read through my emails.

An hour later I was ready to quit when suddenly my mobile peeped. I took the phone to my hand and tapped it open.

It was a text message from my publicist. Ordering me to look my emails. Now. And then call her back.

I turned my focus back to my laptop and saw that I had gotten a new email. I opened it, curious what it was about.

In the email there was only a copy-pasted link to some webpage. Confused I clicked the link and a gossip news page popped up to my screen.

I read the news spree carefully, searching for my name, and when I found it, I clicked the headline without reading or thinking it twice.

On the page there was a photoshoped picture of Will with his black eye plus me …and Sauli together.

I frowned now even more confused and read the text under the picture.

The headline screamed:  
“Love triangle – quarrel before the fatal crash”

I gasped. 

What the fuck was this?

But one bolded text in the text made my heart stop completely. 

 

“Did Adam Lambert cause the death of his ex?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/ Kudos/ etc. :)
> 
> Next update will go to May unless I get some extra time to write.


	7. Coconuts...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahey, I made it! :)
> 
> Now I had to close my laptop for a while.

Sauli's POV:

There are things you don’t know you appreciate until you don’t have them anymore.

Like clean water or easy access to food.

Waterproof roof.

Clean underwear.

Soap.

Or soft toilet paper.

And I can tell you that leaves or salt water are not the best replacements for it. Especially if you have diarrhea.

My ass still hurt like hell (not a new thing to me but this time not in a way I had preferred…) but at least I wasn’t needed to run every ten minutes to the bushes. So after a couple days of hell, life was finally winning again and for the first time I felt I could do something useful.

I was washing my clothes in the sea water wearing only my boxers on. I would go to swim afterwards and sort of wash them at the same time Water around me got murky from dirt and sweat from my shirt and jeans. And I couldn’t help thinking how dirty my boxers were.

I wasn’t sure did I really even want to know that.

Doing an easy task like washing still managed to wipe me out and I took little breaks time to time. Days of diarrhea had weakened me and continuous heat hadn’t helped it at all. There was nothing extra in my body. All of it was buried underneath the ground or sweated away. 

I swore I could feel my inner organs every time I touched my belly.

Tiina had suggested that water from our dwell was the reason for our condition. But there was no point in finding the reason because we hadn’t had any other choice. To avoid worsening our dehydration we had had to drink, and we had been too weak to pick up and break so many coconuts what necessary.

I looked down to my stomach and a one-sided smile crept to my face.

If there was anything good about this fast, it was that my six-pack showed up now more.

I tapped it little and continued with my duties.

Sun was behind thin cloud making the morning cooler than past few days, but still I could feel something burning on my bare skin and butt.

A stare of eyes.

If something else had happened during past days, it was the change in Tiina. Slowly her shyness had washed away, when we had shared curses and fast runs to ease our guts. And it showed in how bluntly she had started to talk and ask me things and how boldly she stared me. Even thought she still tried to hide it.

If she thought that I hadn’t noticed it…wrong. Her staring made me feel slightly uncomfortable, even thought, I would have done the same thing if seeing men showing bare skin.

But to be honest…just slightly.

It only just proofed me that I was still in good shape. Hah!

I let out a quiet cackle and decided to give her a little show.

I stood up and stretched my back and hands, showing off my biceps and other muscles. After that I bowed so that my hands were in water but my butt was high on display. I bend slightly and moved my head so that I could take peeks at the beach between my legs.

Tiina sat there on the sand her sweat pants on her hands. She tried to rip them into shorts with the help of a sharp stone. And time to time she lifted her eyes to steal long glances at me.

Gotcha! 

I decided to tease her a bit.

I started to rock my hips little, putting a little dance moves there. 

Her face was worth the effort. She stared straight at me now, her eyes fully open and mouth slightly popped open. I’m not sure did she breathe at all. 

Laughing in my mind I decided to raise the stake. So I lifted myself fully up and put up my best booty shake show ever. Well, maybe not ever. That one was showed in one particular bedroom long ago. 

But still I could hardly keep myself from roaring in amusement when I turned myself around, still doing my dance moves, and saw Tiina sitting with arms akimbo, gritting her teeth and scowling at me.

“Hey you! Stop that showing off!” Tiina snarled at me but she was blushing fiercely. That if nothing proved that she knew she had got caught.

I stopped dancing and spread my hands innocently.

“Hey! I’m not the one watching.” I yelled back at her, and laughing, crouched back down to finish my washing.

I would so make her pay for this someday. 

 

***

Later that day the burning sun had forced us to take shelter in the shadows of palm trees where we ate half ripe mangos we had picked up earlier. As we hadn’t eaten properly for days and our stomachs were rumbling. Mangos would help it a bit but it was sure we needed to have something else to eat too. 

While mumbling a piece of juicy fruit I looked at the ocean and thought about fishing. In all those survival shows they sharpened a top of a stick and went fishing with it. 

Trying to spear one or two.

It never looked easy and I doubt it was even a good idea with my patience. But to be honest I could have killed for a proper meal at that point.

I turned my focus on coconut trees nearby and decided that I would earn my next survival points there. Today we would feast with coconut milk and meat.

But there isn’t more irritating nut on the Earth than a coconut. Every time it manages to surprise you somehow. My friends often whined how thick-headed I was. Sorry but I could proof their allegation wrong now - because you cannot find anything more thick-headed stubborn ass than a coconut.

I finished my meal and walked under the nearest coconut tree. A bunch of green and brown nuts hung out of reach. I stared up and they stared back at me, waiting for my next move. 

I decided to sway the tree first.

I leaned on a trunk with all my weight and began to swing it. The tree swayed slightly but nothing happened. I kept on swinging the tree back and forward as much as I could but coconuts kept on sticking up there. I shouted to Tiina to fetch me that long stick we had used to drop down mangos earlier. 

Maybe I could poke these down too.

But no use. 

Coconuts moved a bit but didn’t drop down.

I thought a moment of climbing up there but chose against it. I wouldn’t have enough strength to do it at the moment. So I tried another 20 minutes until I was defeated. 

Mission Coconut nr 1 – miserably failed.

But I wasn’t going to give up that easily.

“Let me try.”

I turned my head and saw Tiina standing next to me. I shook my head.

“No need. I’ll do this. I can climb if necessary.” 

I turned my head back to look at the top of the palm tree. I measured the distance from top to the ground with my eyes. It would be quite a climb but I would manage it…when rested enough thought.

“Well…you’re the one with acrobat skills.” Tiina stated matter-of-factly and continued. “I go to the camp by the way of the inner island. Maybe I find this time something to eat or something useful there.”

“Ok.”

Tiina waved her hand and disappeared to the bushes. I walked back to the place where we had eaten our mangos and laid me down. I would take a nap and continue my project after that.

An hour or two later I was throwing stones and sticks to the air and cursing my frustration out. Most stones hit coconut but still they wouldn’t drop down. It seemed that I really had no other option than to climb.  
And without a shred of doubt, I could do it. 

Easier said than done.

I didn’t have problems to climb up straight poles or robes thanks to my acrobat classes. But a trunk that leaned and swayed a bit was a little tricky though. Not to mention it was slightly slippery. 

But I wasn’t someone how would give up easily.

I stood now just right under the tree and looked up. For some reason it looked far taller than I had thought. 

I gulped.

Ok. Let’s go then.

I took a deep breath and placed my hands on the same level on opposite sides of the trunk. I then placed my right foot on lower part of the trunk and hopped. 

The tree swayed a little but steadied soon.

I squeezed the trunk with my hands and quickly brought up my both feet up at the same time. I then brought my both hands up while pushing up with my legs. It started well but the second I released my hands third time I could feel my feet slowly sliding down and my body leaning sideward. I tried to grab fast on the trunk but it was all too late.

Curses flying across the air I fell down to the ground on my buttocks with a thump. 

It hurt. But more to the sole of my left foot than my butt. I took the foot in my hands and looked at it. There was about 3 centimeter long cut and it bled.

I squeezed my foot and grunted crossly. 

Oh fuck. And fuck you tree.

Mission Coconut nr 2 – failed…even miserably.

I sent daggers at the palm tree standing in front of me and swore that I would come back next day and confront it again.

Cursing even more I limped towards our camp.

Next day I was more prepared. 

After my morning tasks I stood again in front of the very same palm tree and glared at it. I had my lonely shoe on now and 4-layer of socks (Tiina had given hers) on the other foot. And also I had a plan.

Last night I had remembered a one coconut picker I had seen in Bora Bora or it might had been some other place…but never mind…and how I had wanted to test his technique. Adam had though it funny that I had that need to try and learn new skills. Soon he learnt it was an endless passion. Sometimes to his and our benefit too.

This time I placed my right hand up and behind the tree, but instead, I placed my left one on the front side at my chest level. I then quickly brought up my both feet and squeezed the trunk as much as I felt needed. Next I lifted my hands up while pushing up with my legs. I fell down twice before I got it right and began slowly to move up. And when I finally reached to the top I was thrilled to bits. 

I did it! I showed I could do it. I’m real Spiderman, hah!

I attacked to the nearest brown coconut I saw. 

I thought it was best to let green ones be. After being ill few days I didn’t want to take too many risks – not yet at least- and get sick again by eating raw coconuts. Brown ones should be safe.

It took its time but a bit later I had about seven coconuts on the ground.

So the coconut problem was now solved. But it raised a new one - how do you break one? Without proper tools.

I tried to remember had I ever really saw how it was done and sweet memories popped up to my mind again. 

Me and Adam…and Bora Bora.

My heart warmed from the happiness those memories brought to my mind. We had been so in love. Everything had been so new and passionate. Without worries or future plans. 

But also my heart clenched because at same time it ached to remember all that. 

Then I realized one thing.

Without knowing it, I could be now close to Bora Bora! It could be just hundreds or even thousands of kilometers away. But still it was ironical that I had to be on a Pacific island when I felt the best or the worst of my life.

If I could just make a one wish…and make that picture on Tiina’s T-shirt to become real.

I huffed and shook my head to clear my mind.

Remembering all this old love stuff wouldn’t help me to survive here. I needed to put my focus back on the main subject: a coconut and finding a suitable tool like a stone which would help me to crack it.

I ended up walking to that big rock at the other end of the island. There I finally found a suitable big stone with a sharp corner. I had tried to use couple smaller stones as a hammer earlier but it felt too laborious.

Although it wasn’t easy job with this stone either.

I had to beat a coconut to the stone with all my strength, and still it felt like nothing much happened.

When I some time later finally heard the nut crack a little I yayed for joy. My arms were already sore but I lifted the nut once more to the air and knocked it to the stone with all my remaining strength. 

The cracking voice, it caused, was heavenly. 

I lifted now opened coconut up to my mouth and killed its contents.

I was actually surprised how little liquid the coconut contained. There was hardly a mouthful of milky water in it. I really had always thought they were a good source of drink but what I witnessed now it didn’t seem so. 

And when it was the same with another coconut I felt little betrayed. 

So much work for so little? Fuck. They had lied to me all my life – all those movies, cartoons...etc. 

But the thought didn’t sink my mood as for real the Mission Coconut was now…completed. Total success.

I opened two more coconuts to Tiina before I returned to our camp. 

The following days I tried various techniques to open up a coconut but none of them seemed to be better than other ones. It seemed to me to be too hard work for so little water but at least their meat was good and filling. Otherwise I thought I would have given up already.

And it was a good exercise for my biceps so I didn’t complain. 

I smiled and looked up to the sky. The sun was reaching to its top and me and Tiina were lying on a dry grass matt on the border of the forest. We didn’t say a word as we watched swaying leaves of the palm trees. 

It made me sleepy. 

It had been consuming few days and my body was asking for extra rest. I blinked a couple of times but my eye lids started to feel heavier and heavier. 

And so I slowly fell into a dream world.

***

 

_This seemed not to be a nightmare. At last. ___

_Instead of drowning, breaking endless pile of coconuts or sharing the island with bunch of screaming hardcore Saulbert shippers I stood in the middle of a familiar room - in a kitchen. And the air smelled like spicy meat stew which reminded me of something… ___

_I listened. ___

_There came muted noises and clangs of plates from the other room like some ones were setting a table or clearing it. ___

_Talking about a déjà-vu. ___

_Suddenly an annoying voice cried out my name. ___

_I swirled around and looked at the direction of the voice. On a small kitchen table were a large casserole full of steaming stew but in the middle of it stood one brown hairy coconut. ___

_For some reason it made my hackles rise. That coconut was ruining the perfect dish. ___

_The coconut glared at me with its non-existent eyes and suddenly an evil laughing filled up the room. The laugh echoed around me making my head ache. ___

_I stared back at the coconut and slowly in my eyes it started to take form and have more human features. It slimmed and its tuff began to resemble a crew cut hair. ___

_It really looked like one particular loverboy… ___

_“This is not your place anymore.” It rasped. ___

_I tensed. ___

_That voice. ___

_It was…his. ___

_”It’s all mine now…he’s all mine now.”The coconut continued with its annoying voice and laughed. I kept my mouth shut but my hands curled into firsts. I shot daggers and flames at it. I was already boiling inside. ___

_He stopped its laughing, and if possible, stared at me again. He put weight to its last word. ___

_“Outsider.” ___

_I snapped totally then. ___

_My eyes saw red and my head throbbed. From out of nowhere a hammer materialized into my hand, and totally furious, I hit the coconut between two dark spots on his brown hairy shell. ___

_He screamed in horror and pain while thick fluid began to pour from the crack. ___

_It was my turn to laugh now. I cackled and lifted the hammer up once again. Its blade was still stuck on the shell. With force I smashed the coconut to the ground and it exploded into million pieces spreading milk all around. It wet me totally but I just laughed like maniac. ___

_Just take that you little piece of shit. ___

_“What’s going on in there?” ___

_I heart stopped when I heard too familiar voice. ___

_Oh fuck. ___

_My eyes flew/ shot back to where the coconut had been but seeing pieces of coconut all over the room a head, THAT man’s dead head lying in the casserole. ___

_I gasped in horror and started to panic. I run around like a headless chicken without knowing what to do or say. ___

_What can I say? How I could explain? What would he say? ___

_Just before I could see him from the doorway my vision was filled with white light and I woke up. ___

“Adam!”

My eyes flew fully open and whole body startled aggressively. I breathed heavily and for a while I wasn’t sure where I was. My eyes moved wildly to find something to focus on but they couldn’t stop their panic movement. So I closed my eyes and I tried to take deep breaths.

Slowly my raising heart beat slowed down and I relaxed a bit. I still panted when I opened my eyes and saw the real world again.

That had been weird. Even little disturbing.

But the dream had given me an idea and so later that day I leaned again over the big sharp stone with a coconut in my hands. 

This time I made it sure that the darks spots on the shell were towards the stone.

I focused and then lifted my hands as high as I could and with all strength hit the nut against the stone. 

A crack. Actually very promising crack.

I turned it around to check it. A long deep longitudinally crevice went between the dark spots. 

One knock and I already got this kind of result.

Yay! 

I felt like a superman, a fucking Einstein. I was the best! I had solved the code. The fucking code how to break the coconut before it breaks your sanity.

Tiina came by to see why I was yelling and beaming.

“You did that with a one hit?! Nice one Sauli.” She shouted happily. 

I hummed approvingly. 

But I wasn’t going to tell her about my dream! Hey look, I got this idea when I murdered Adam’s boyfriend, who was a coconut, in my dream. Sane stuff, right?

However I couldn’t help the smirk crawling to face. I should have hit him harder…

After that event I was granted a Coconut Master title and would be the one to pick up and crack the coconuts. Me and Tiina later tried our skills in fishing, of which I would rather not tell more, as we only managed to nearly harpoon my left foot and make me lose my patience. We also slowly improved our shelter too as we got more binding material; we ripped long fabric shreds from our jeans and trousers. Also Tiina got an idea that we could make narrow robes by plaiting hays or straws together so we got something to keep ourselves busy. The shelter became soon steady and almost rain-proofed.

Slowly the basics of living started to be in ok shape. I really would say that we had it all ok. If only someone had handed us return tickets to home, everything would had been fantastic.

And also we began to take it easy. Of course we still waited someone to save us or tried to find ways to get out of here but we didn’t all the time think how to survive to the next day. 

Life had its fun sides again. 

But during our midday siestas and at nights, when I had time to think by myself, my mood sank. Scenes from my time with Adam, after Adam and especially the last day with him played a loop in my mind. Not to mention that dream…

I doubt I hadn’t hit Will if I had a second chance. He had crossed the line.

But when I saw his complacent face in front of my eyes I was feeling something that I had never felt before, especially this strong.

Angry jealousy. 

 

***

 

I took all the pleasure of finding that new skill. 

I tried new tricks and ways to ease my coconut task and reported to Tiina about my findings. First she was ‘yay, good, fantastic’ but later she just hummed as an answer. Maybe I bored her but I was just so excited about this.

Once again I was on my way to pick up coconuts.

“Where’re you going?”

I turned my head to see Tiina who sat in front of our shelter and carved last meat from a coconut shell. She would make a cup out of it to use to take water from our dwell or as shovel.

“There.” I pointed to one palm tree nearby.

Tiina glanced quickly up and then looked at me again. 

“You’re sure? There’s like only one brown up there.”

I turned my head so that I could see the same view. In middle of green coconuts basked a lonely brown one. 

“That’s the thing.” I said and turned my focus back on Tiina.”Will get it out there before it rots and besides…it will look better with just green ones there.”

Tiina lifted an eye brow like asking am I serious. I shrugged. 

“It just…please the eye that way.”

“You’re weird.” She stated while shaking her head and continued her carvings. “But it sort of explains why you tidy up our camp every morning.” 

I shrugged again. I just liked things be in their order.

“You know.” She then continued a while later, “You’ll end up dropping off bunch of green ones instead.”

“Shut up! I’m an expert now so I can do it.”

I sounded little cocky perhaps but I wasn’t really showing off. Ok, maybe little, but I just wanted to show the world that I mastered this one. I was super glad about why others shouldn’t?

I have always hated the Finnish way to be envious about almost everything. Especially when somebody had it all well or could do things you wanted to do. Why not just be happy for them and think if they can do it you could too? And why then laugh maliciously and jeer if something goes wrong afterwards. I hated it probably the most. And when you self have heard jeers all your younghood you just want to raise those idiots your middle finger and show that you can do it better than they ever could.

So in no time I was up in a palm tree again. 

The brown coconut was on the other side of the bunch but I still could reach it. So I grabbed the brown nut with one hand and twisted a little. I pulled lightly but it didn’t come loose. I twisted it little more but with some result. I tried to pull more forcefully making the whole bunch shaking but instead couple green coconuts fell down.

Did I mentioned earlier something about stubbornness and coconuts? And stubbornness and Finns?

Twenty minutes later air full of curses and my face red I almost hang on the nut but still it didn’t let go. Finally I had to call mission off, and defeated, climbed back down. 

On the ground there were several green nuts but that only brown one still hanged up in the palm tree like glued.

Me and my big mouth…

“An expert, right?”

Tiina stood next to me her hands crossed and cocked an eyebrow at me. You could see that she hardly could hold her amusement inside.

I rolled my eyes and huffed.

“Well, I just cannot like snap my fingers and – voilà – here’s your coconut, miss.”

Just when I had flicked my fingers, we heard a thump next to us. We turned our heads in unison to look what had caused it. 

In the middle of the green ones there was a brown coconut on the ground. That damn coconut.

We both stared at it stupefied, our mouths popped open. 

The nut stared back at us with its dark spots like saying ‘Hey. Here I am now. What to do want from me?’  
A brown tuft on top it made it look even more human. 

For a second I doubted my own sanity.

We stare it another minute until we both cracked up.

“You are one lucky bastard Sauli! You know that?” She laughed while shaking her head disbelievingly. “You just go and…snap your fingers, and yay, there’s a coconut for you.”

I smirked between my cackles and winked at her.

“Well, they do say if you smile to the world it smiles you back.”

Although, the world had sometimes quite a twisted mind as I found out two days later when in front of me, on a shoreline, lay a bloated body.

 

***

 

It’s weird how you cannot take your eyes off from a thing you don’t want to look at.

Me and Tiina both stood about 10 meters away from a grey body which had been washed up on the beach during the night. And we couldn’t stop staring at it.

I had never seen a dead body before; a real one not some Halloween stuff. And this one totally freaked me out.

“Over my dead body!” I groaned stubbornly. Tiina had just suggested me that I would go to the corpse and check it out. Go through its pocket for something valuable to us.

What the fuck was she thinking?

Tiina rolled her eyes.

“Could we just leave it to this one?” She said dryly. “And don’t be such a drama queen. It’s Adam’s job.”

I looked daggers at her but she ignored it.

“You’re a guy – it’s your job.”

“But I’m a gay!” I whined.

Like that was a good excuse. And Tiina showed what she thought about it by pushing me forward and shooing me to go on. 

I shot a last dagger at her, and defeated, took first steps towards the corpse near the shoreline. 

Curse the Finns and their stubborn asses. And curse my sisters who had taught their brother well – meaning how to do as a woman says.

Curse you all three Power Puffs.

As I came closer to the body flashbacks of all the zombie movies I had ever seen flushed through my mind.

I halted and cursed myself this time.

Why had I ever let me to see those films? I didn’t even like those fucking horror movies.

For some reason I wanted my mom there more desperately than ever.

I swallowed and plucked up the courage. I continued my walk, this time tiptoeing, placing my every step carefully. I stared the corpse, half expecting it at any time to lift its head up and scream for my brains. 

If it had been intimidating a while ago, it was fucking 1000 times more now. 

I was now just a couple of steps away from it, when the smell of dead and rotten meat hit my nostrils. I flinched and slammed my hand in front of my nose and mouth. And I gagged. The smell was simply horrible.

I spun and took couple steps back. I needed to breathe fresh air or I would throw up.

“What are you doing? How does it look like?”

I cocked an eyebrow at Tiina in the distance and shouted back,

“Just give me a fucking minute!” I took deep breaths and welcomed the fresh sea air into my lungs.

”It’s disgusting….And it stinks!”

“Don’t whine! Just put a hand on your nose and search that body.”

Easy you to say.

“You come over here and do it yourself!”

I inhaled few more minutes before I yet returned to the corpse. The swollen body was laying face downwards and shreds of sea weed all over its short curly hair and neat…well once neat cloths. It looked like a business man.

In this case a former Wall Street rainmaker. 

I leaned over the body, pinching my nose at the same time to avoid a bilious feeling. I tried to imaging something that smells good to ease my stomach but for some reason a memory of Adam’s fridge on my first time at his place came to my mind. 

I still believed that some stuff there had already resurrected as some other form of living.

I shook my head.

Better just get this over with.

I tapped cautiously with my right hand the back pockets of its trousers. It was like petting a wet sponge. An old wet sponge.

I cringed.

This was SO awful.

But the pockets were empty.

I studied the body but didn’t find anything that would help us. So I would need to turn it around. And I needed my both hands for it.

I took a deep breath and held my breath. With both hands I took a good grip of the body and pulled. I

It was harder that I had thought. 

With a little struggle I finally managed to turn it over. I inhaled again and took deep breaths before turning my focus back to the body.

It was definitely a man. His face was pale and lips were bluish. Open discoloured eyes stared somewhere past me but it felt like they were boring through me.

My stomach fell down.

It felt so wrong to disturb a dead man. I would so see nightmares because of this.

“Do you find anything?”

I ignored Tiina’s shout and crouched down again. The smell wasn’t anymore overwhelmingly disgusting but I doubt I would still smell it days afterwards.

I needed to wash my hands thoroughly after this. But without a soap? Shit…

Disgust I examined the front pockets but found just something slimy and…and…yuck.

I saw then a thin black straw going along the border of his neck and collarbone. I took it between my thumb and forefinger and pulled slowly. Something moved under his dress shirt. I pulled the straw out more and more until an item came out under the shirt.

It was reading glasses!

“Yay! I found glasses!” I yelled at Tiina excitingly and hold them up on the air. If this wasn’t the find of the century, then what was?

Tiina didn’t hear me at first so I repeated my saying. She then squeaked for joy and ran to us, totally ignoring the body and her earlier hesitation. She took the glasses from my hand.

“Are lenses unbroken? Please say they’re not broken.” She whispered while examining them. 

A while later a beaming smile spread on her face and she announced happily,

“The other one has a fracture but the other one is fine.” 

I smiled back.

“So, shall I go to fetch some wood and leaves?” I asked her cheerfully.

Tiina nodded fiercely and started to fast walk back towards our camp. I left the corpse as well and ran past her straight to the forest. 

Five minutes later I came back with an armful of dry thin branches, leaves and other things I thought was suitable for tinder. Tiina had already found a spot for a fire and placed stones as a ring. I dropped my load next to the circle, crouched down next to her and to help to pile twigs as a suitable stack.

When ready I took the glasses on the ground and placed it a few centimeters above the stack. I turned it to focus the sunlight into a small dot.

And then we waited.

And waited.

I moved the glasses a bit to get a better focus. And we waited some more.

Once or twice it looked like some smoke appeared but otherwise it was for nothing.

I frowned impatiently. 

Why these things looked always so easy in Donald Duck comic books or in cartoons? 

We changed turns and continued waiting.

After a small eternity and many turn changes later I tossed the glasses frustratingly to the ground and curse aloud. I stretched my aching sides and closed my tired eyes to rest them.

I sighted.

How long would it possibly take to make fire? 

Tiina had taken the glasses and was still trying to light the fire but I thought it was best for me to take a break from the whole thing.

So I stood fully up and stared to the sea adding a new point to my mental note book. 

-MATCHES:  
Next time remember to take matches with you. Dozens of them! Put them on water-proof bags and tape them on your leg or somewhere else in your body. If security guys complain, say you would take them off only if they are 100% sure that your plane won’t crash down. If they still aren’t happy, go to a nearest toilet and stuck them up in your own ass!  
You should NEVER get on a plane without them. Period.

While standing there I saw on the corner of my eyes the dead man’s body still lying on the beach, near the water line, and shivers went down my spine.

We just couldn’t let it lie there. We needed to do something about it.

I knocked around sand and cursed in my mind.

I never had thought I would someday need to be a gravedigger.

 

***

 

When there was neither fire nor smoke we put our focus on other things.

Me and Tiina dragged the corpse in the water, where it was easiest, as far from our beach and camp as we could. 

I panted. The body weighted a ton in my opinion. I hadn’t expected it to be this hard job, but diarrhea and dehydration had weakened us, so was it really a surprise.

When we had passed the group of mango trees we lugged the corpse to the forest and dug a long hole where we rolled it. The hole wasn’t deep so we tossed sand, dirt and stones on it to cover it. To be honest it maybe was an idiot thing to do then as we were both already exhausted but there were some things you just needed to do. 

So when the grave mound was ready we stood next it and took a minute of silence.

Just because it felt right thing to do.

While standing there I couldn’t help thinking that it could have been me there – buried under the sand of Sauna Island. 

Unknown.

I shivered.

It didn’t do us any good to stand here so I placed my hand on Tiina’s shoulder to say it was time to go. We left the place in silence, both deep in our own thoughts.

This had been a wake-up call for us both. We were lucky to be alive but we need to fight to stay like that. Otherwise we would end up next to that unknown man.

Unknown.

Without looking back I whispered my first and last words to the man in a grave,

“Rest in peace. Whoever you were.” 

 

***

 

We walked in water near the shoreline. We hadn’t spoken a word since we had left the grave.

I was thinking hard.

We should build sort of boat or raft. But how? We both were all thumbs so it looked a hopeless task. And we couldn’t just like swim all the way when we even didn’t know where we were. But we just needed to get out of here.

We continued our walk in silence and the waves hit the shore causing a wavy humming sound. Continuous humming sound. Which slowly got an itchy twist. Like rolling or….

…rumbling.

“Shhh!” I shushed. There was something weird in our normal background noise.

“What?”

“Just hush and listen!”

She frowned but zipped her mouth. I motioned her to listen and so we both stood now still and pricked up our ears.

There was just something unusual. The noise it sounded like….like a hum of an engine…

“It’s an airplane!”

We both swirled around and looked wildly to the sky. 

I didn’t see anything but if there was a noise, it had to come from…

“There!” Tiina suddenly cried out and pointed to the direction where stood that rock. 

I squinted my eyes and tried to spot it. 

A flash of light.

There!

A small spot grew bigger and bigger and soon we could recognize what it was. A small seaplane was flying at the island.

We dropped fruits we had picked up on our way to the camp and ran to the water. We waved out hands and shouted.

But would it be enough. If it didn’t spot us?

How are we going to get its attention?

The whistles!

We run like madmen to our camp and grabbed our life vests. There was no time to cut the strings so we took them with us and run back to the beach.

But now the plane started to turn to the other side of the island, panicking us totally.

“No,no,no!” I yelled. 

“We need to get to the other side. Run!”

We ran again stumbling and scrambling across the beach to the forest in the middle of the island not caring about sharp stones and branches on the ground. 

What about few cuts if you could get out of here!

On the other side of Sauna Island we managed to saw a glimpse of the silvery line of the plane as it pasted us. We waved fiercely our life vests and blew our whistles with all our strengths. 

They have to hear us, they have to see us.

The plane made a sudden jerk in the air. Like as a sign.

“Did you see that?”

“What?”

“Didn’t you see it? It jerked. Like that!”

The plane had already made a wide U turn above the sea and was now flying back. It was on the other side of the island but it flew so high that we saw when it did one more time the same movement, a slight jerk, like it had just a while ago. 

It then flew away, back to where it had come from.

I jumped up and down joyous and yayed.

“Tiina. You know what?” I turned to face Tiina who looked at me little unsure. You could see she wasn’t sure should she be glad or disappointed so I put my hands on her shoulders and shook them a bit.

“I think they saw us Tiina.” I searched for her eyes and when our eyes met I bored deep in hers to put weight to what I was to say. “They saw us. They must have. You know. We are going to be saved!”

She still looked at me questioning but I assured her again that they had spotted us. They just had fly back to get more fuel or auxiliaries. And if not did it matter, because they were still looking for us and would come back soon. 

I was 100 % sure of it even thought a nagging voice back in my head warned me for hoping too much.

But that was the point. 

To have hope.

It was against my nature to give up hope.

With joy and without thinking any further I hugged Tiina suddenly making her breath hiss. Her cheek was now pressed on my bare chest. I tried to ignore her tensed body and wildly beaten heart, which I could feel against my stomach, and fought back a smirk.

Woops. But let her have her moment to have something to brag about to her glambert friends.

I lifted my head and closed my eyes when the sunshine hit my face.

“Just a day or two.” I cried out to the air, sure as the owner of the world.

We would be rescued.

We would get out of Sauna Island.

We would go home.

I could finally apology Adam.

Finally.

“I promise you. Just few days. Max.”

 

What I didn’t know then was that next days were going to be the longest ones in my entire life.


	8. Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took this long to update. I have had quite a spring and I haven't got time or mood to write until now + I was out of laptop and the Internet a month. 
> 
> I hope you still like this chapter.

Adam’s POV

 

”You did what?” 

I had sort of worked when Will had entered to my den beaming like a summer sun and rapping out his news. My fingers hovered now above my laptop keyboard and my brows knit together as I glanced at him confused. I wasn’t sure that I had heard right. 

“Yes. I quit.” Will repeated happily what he had just told me. He stood in the middle of the living room almost jumping up and down for joy like a little kid in a Christmas Day. 

I nodded slowly. I knew that his job had been sometimes a living hell because his uncle, and the only reason he had stayed there this long was his grandfather… but still… I wasn’t sure he had done the right thing.

“It was fantastic.” Will continued as I didn’t say a word. “Alf, my bastard uncle -you know that- he was in so bad mood today - like he always is -and started like shouting at me about some stupid onion. That it was rotten and that I wanted to poison their customers. Their customers?! They’re mine too! Or more like my grandpa’s customers. Then I just…”

He flicked his fingers and his face turned into more serious.

“…snapped. We shouted like half an hour and then I said to him that I quit. Oh, you should have seen his face.”

A wide smile spread in Will’s face and there was a victorious sparkle in his eyes. He seemed to take all the pleasure in this.

“He went fucking white! Do you believe that? Hah! He knows that grandpa will make him walk the plank because of this. Oh, I love grandpa. But then he goes to me ‘hey you cannot do that you fucking sissy.’”

Will animated his tale by imitating his uncle’s rough voice and flapping his hands wildly. I couldn’t help a smirk – he looked so funny. 

“And I’m just like ‘watch me.’ And I just walked out of that stupid sweatshop. Isn’t that awesome? That son of a bitch! Hah! He’s so gonna be on pins and needles.”  
Will plopped down on a couch at the other end of the room and put his hands back his head. He was so pleased of himself.

I tried so hard to be happy for him but failing totally. I couldn’t help the old fear creeping back to my mind. 

“But where’re you gonna work now?” I asked him instead of congratulating him.

My question seemingly surprised Will and for a while he just stared at me without saying a word. He then shrugged giving me a one side smile and said:

“I guess I’ll find something. Later.”

His eyes were gleaming again for joy.

The word ‘later’ grated on my ears but I kept my mouth shut. It was not that we were short of money. Not near. It was more that he would be now home more and I didn’t want it to end like it did last time. 

“We should celebrate my freedom. Let’s go and eat outside, Wolfy!”

He had lifted himself so that he now sat on the edge of the couch like ready to jump up at any time. He looked so happy and relaxed that it felt so bad to turn him down.

“Sorry, Will. Not today.”

Will’s face fell right away. He stared at my stupefied.

“Why?”

“I need to work….And I’m not in mood.”

It was true, I wasn’t. But it didn’t stop Will getting mad at me.

“You never are.” Will spat his voice full of hurt now. 

And he was totally right. I had promised myself to give more time to me, my life and Will but had failed miserably so far. There was always something. More emotional stuff than real things.

“Are you ashamed of me or what?” Will suddenly asked me. I tensed and glanced at him slightly shocked. Where had that come from?

“No. I …”

“Then why you never take me out?” He shouted. You could see hurt in his eyes. ”You go to see your friends time to time but not me. Even those fucking blogs wonder why you aren’t seen with me. We suppose to be lovers!”

I closed my eyes. This was not going well.

“But we had been seen…” I tried to say for my defense but he interrupted me.

“Yeah, couple of times. When we had walked from grocery store to our car. We haven’t been in any events together yet. You have turned down every single invitation so far. Why? Was it because of that stupid news? Am I not enough for you? Are you hoping that I was someone else?”

The question almost knocked wind out of me.

Oh you have no idea, Will. No idea.

“Will…” I needed to change the course of this conversation and quick. “Just stop this nonsense. I really need to work. Could we discuss about this later? With glass of wine? And shouldn’t you try to get yourself a new job? I can give you few phone numbers or I can…”

Will lifted his right hand as rejection.

“No need.” He said bluntly and shook his head. He then started to march towards the door. “I don’t want people to think I try to benefit from you. I just get my laptop and…”

“Will…” I interrupted him. 

Will stopped on his tracks and turned to look at me. There were still hard look in his eyes but he raised an eyebrow in question. I tried to choose my next words carefully.

“Could you go to the kitchen or the other study? I need to make phone calls and such. So…”

Will’s brows furrowed and his face tensed. I had probably defended him again some way but he just couldn’t assume that I wanted him around me when I had work to do. Besides I didn’t want him to see if I went to google about Sauli.

“Fine.” Will said finally. “But I give you max two hours before I come to pull the plug off. We need to discuss”

He pointed his finger at me as to give extra weight to his words and I sighted in relief.

“Deal.”

He still came to give me quick kiss before he left the den. He had said he will get a job by the time I get mine done. 

But why I doubted that?

 

***

 

Later I had almost made all the necessary phone calls and stuff. I had couple interviews coming and I had made it clear that I was not going to answer any Qs about my relationships or Sauli’s accident. Otherwise I would cancel them even despite my label’s nagging. 

Only one email was left unanswered.

It was from my label. Or more like from a charity.

I clicked it open and stared the screen. I didn’t read the email. I had already done it dozen times so I knew what it was all about. But still I didn’t know what to do with it.

This charity which was organizing a collection and some charity event for the help of the families, who lost their love or love ones in that same plane crash where Sauli was, wanted me to take part in their mission. Write a song, sing in their event or something like that. As I was involved in this tragedy too by Sauli.

But how could I?

I was still mess and, even I had tried, I couldn’t write new lyrics at the moment. I just couldn’t. Not burning every single attempt in my fireplace.

I thought about it one more time before I typed simple ‘No’ as an answer and send it away.

I wasn’t ready for this yet.

Maybe never would.

I was about to check some blogs and twitter accounts to keep me updated on discussions in the field but chose otherwise. Why bother to sink your mood even further down as it was already. The land of media had been hostile place for me lately. 

For example that hideous heading still ghosted in my mind time to time: “Did Adam Lambert cause the death of his ex?”

Can you believe it? Who fucking idiot writes something like that? It was the most outrageous headline I had seen in my whole career. And it had hurt me deeply. Too deeply.

But tabloids are tabloids and people didn’t luckily catch on that particular heading. It was more about our so-called “love triangle” of which people still speculated in social networks. And which started a war between two “ships”: Saulbert and well… I wasn’t sure the name of the other ship. I had seen Wilbert, Lawi and also Ratbert as Will’s surname was Ratti. But nevertheless, the situation in Twitter had sometimes turned into so hair-trigger that I had had to intervene into the discussion. Multiple times.

It had never been this bad with Saulberts and Adommys. But then there had never been any possible death bodies involved.

And of course Will had had his share of hate and other bullshit. He tried bravely to ignore them but you could see that it still pissed him massively. He couldn’t tolerate them as well as Sauli had. 

I felt pity for him now. He did try his best. But on the day the news had come out I hadn’t.

When I had first dealt the shit with my label, assistants and so, I had confronted Will. And he had confessed me that it was him who had leaked out our fight. Not intentionally as he had just wanted to defend me but he could have answered ‘no comments’ in reporter’s questions instead of blurting all out.

I had been so mad at him. And at myself too. 

And of course the whole event had affected on our relationship. I still blamed myself about it mostly, that I hadn’t prepared him for how to handle the media, but I couldn’t help losing a bit of my trust in him. He was my boyfriend, I loved him, but at the moment I was more careful what I said to him. But I didn’t want to end another serious relationship in so short time so I hoped it would be better someday.

I really hoped.

And to be honest…I needed him at the moment.

I glanced at the closed door quickly before I put my focus back on my laptop and with a few clicks a folder opened on the screen. I clicked open a picture in it which was - for me – very special. 

They say what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. Bullshit.

I stared at the picture in front of me and frowned.

He had been missing three weeks now. Three damn weeks! But still the rational part of my brains couldn’t digest the fact that he was most probably dead.

I understood now why families usually wanted to find and see bodies before announcing the death of their love ones.   
Suddenly my mobile started to ring and without thinking or checking who was calling I answered to it.

In the other end of the line my name was repeatedly shouted so loud that I had to pull my mobile away from my ear. It was hell annoying and for a second I thought it was some lunatic or stalker-fan and I was about to hang up but then I realised that I recognised the voice.

“Sara?”

It’s funny how things can change in matter of minutes.

She was hysterical. She spoke rapidly something in Finnish and I didn't understand anything at all. Sometimes a sudden shout or cry cut the float of her words. But how they were said and the intensity of this whole one-side conversation made me freeze totally.

I didn’t need to ask what she was saying. I already knew.

If my stomach hadn’t already put itself into knots, I would have thrown up right there. I didn't know it was even possible to feel so many emotions at the same time. Feel both relieved and calm but also totally devastated and shocked.

Talking and shouting in the other side of the line went on and on and I just listened and slowly zoned out completely. When finally there came a pause and the line stayed silent a while I woke up, said hastily thank you and hung up. 

I really don't know why I did it but I just did it. The whole call had been so absurd.

I sat still on my chair comprehending nothing at all and still knowing exactly everything.

So what now? What the fuck I am going to do now?

It was hard to breath.

It was so fucking hard to breath. 

I tried desperately to find something in the room to focus on. I panted and my eyes wandered wildly around the room until they locked into a black spot on the wall.

A fly.

I stared at it like it was the only thing in the world to keep me in pieces but slowly the fly turned into wide black line as my world started to spin fast, blurring all the edges into a mess of wide colourful lines until it turned into total black.


	9. …and other nuts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, I made it! It's still June. ;)

Sauli’s POV

 

Torturing sun shone high and I was running to my slow death. 

Sweat poured down my face gluing my over-long hair on my forehead and making my beard even itchier. Every step made my bruised feet scream for mercy but I shut my ears from their begging. I already panted heavily and my head was spinning because of heat and dehydration, but I had to keep on running. I was probably on the edge of insanity but this – jogging – kept me from falling over.

Pain was the only thing I could control. 

Pain made me feel alive.

I passed the little forest of mango trees and cursed them into seventh hell.

Everything irritated me.

The sun.

The heat.

The island.

Even damn coconuts.

And when I arrived fifth time to our camp, I glared angrily at it, ready to burn it down. 

If only we had fire…

I slowed down until I stopped completely. I leaned on my hands and breathed heavily. My whole body was wet from sweat.

The camp was empty.

I looked around and saw Tiina a little further away with a big branch, dragging it along the darker lines on sand. We had drawn a big SOS there, which at the moment, pissed me off the most because we hadn’t thought about it earlier. That plane, we saw ages ago, would have had definitely spotted it.

And that – to be truthful – frustrated me the most.

It had been days, weeks, god knows how long, when we had seen that silver lined plane flying around our island and been sure that we will be rescued.

And ever since, I had run around the island couple times, climbed to the “Bart” rock, blown a whistle I had tied on my pants, waited, and blown again. Always waiting that this time would be different. This time I would see something. And when not again I would climb down and continue my run until my legs couldn’t move a step. This every morning. And that time Tiina would check our SOS sign, placing more stones on its lines so that we wouldn’t need to worry about it all the time and collecting us some breakfast-lunch combination.

This had become a familiar pattern between us; predictable and well-worn. It made us feel some way secure. 

Otherwise we lived in a nightmare. We were in a prison. Prisoners of the paradise island. We couldn’t try to build a raft and leave because in any day someone might come to rescue us. But we couldn’t be sure about it.

I was only sure that we were going mad soon.

When I said paradise island I only meant it as a figure of speech. Sauna Island was beautiful, no doubt of that, but it also gave me the creeps.

At first I hadn’t understood why. But then one day Tiina had said it aloud: it was too quiet. Only noises you heard was the whistling of the wind in the trees and the frothing of the ocean. And of course your own voice inside your head. 

There were no birds, nor lizards nor other animals here except some small insects. And I found myself thinking that it made perfectly sense. 

Who the hell would like to live in this god-forsaken island in his free will?

Well a positive thought…at least the swimming facilities were great.

I walked to the sea and dived under the water. It was refreshing, even though water felt warm. When I returned to the beach and sat down near the shoreline my body tasted salty but because of the sea water not of sweat.

I was facing the ocean and its salty scent filled my nostrils. Usually I didn’t sense it, it was so normal, but this time the salt found its way to still untouched olfactory nerves and vivifying them with its strong aroma. I liked the sensation. It made me lie to myself that I hadn’t been here so long after all.

I relaxed a bit and the level humming of the ocean and breaking waves sent me to a soothing daydream state.

Too late I understood that I had made a mistake. 

The voice of the breaking waves mixed up with the humming of the ocean and suddenly it started to sound more like black women’s singing.

~ Hhmm-mm-mmm-mmm…. By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, ye-eah we wept, when we remembered Zion….~

I tried to shake the song out of my head but it kept on swinging inside my head in endless loop. I wanted to bang my head to a rock to stop the music. I never had thought that the sound of waves hitting on a shore would ever send me to a lunatic house.

“Are you in Babylon?”

The question pressed the stop button of my head radio and finally that irritating song paused. I lifted up my head, ready to praise my gratitude to the asker – like there would have been any choices. So it was not-so-surprisingly Tiina standing in front of me. 

She smiled tiredly at me. I smiled back. It was our inside joke. We both sat frequently on the banks of river Babylon.

“I made you some breakfast.” She nodded towards the camp and I pulled myself up and followed her to our camp.

It had been upgraded lately. After the day when we had found the death body, more junk had come ashore to our beach. Most of it was useless rubbish but especially a large canvas, although broken, had made us thank all gods and every holy spirit on the Earth. It had made our shelter waterproof. Plus it got now a “roofed terrace” as we called it. 

The shelter itself was rebuilt. In theory three persons could sleep there now. 

The collection of plastic bags I had piled in two neat stacks near our “kitchen” (a big sharp rock and a large piece of bubble wrap – the later one for sitting and fun). They were useful when collecting food or bringing sea water to cool sand. They also made it for perfect rain hats or protection gloves. From the rest of the plastic garbage we had made robes and a matt to our shelter.

I sat down on the bubble wrap and took a coconut bowl from Tiina’s hands. She had carved ‘The boss’ on its side. She sat next to me – with similar bowl with similar carving on her hand.

I frowned when I looked contents of my bowl.

It was a soup (again) with coconut milk (again) and raw fish (again). This time spiced with…pink flowers.

Still it gave me the shivers. It looked disgusting to be honest.

But what can you do? Did I really have any other options? There were no blender around (nor electricity) to mix these ingredients into a more suitable and eatable form, and I just couldn’t like walk around a corner…or a palm tree in this case…to a nice small Sushi Bar. It was in fact almost the same food. Without rice though. 

Now that I mentioned it, oh how I missed rice, oh, and soya!

I lifted the bowl and bolted down the whole soup with big swallows. It did indeed taste like…coconut milk and raw fish. Nothing special haute cuisine but not too bad either. With little black pepper and lemongrass, and perhaps diced onions it would have been actually a good meal. 

After thinking about it I decided to add spices to my mental note book with matches, Chippendale tops, a knife (no need to explain), large orange water-proof canvas (perfect shelter material, colour to be see far away), orange plastic bucket (useful as a hand bag too) and toilet paper. 

Without them I would never again step into a plane. 

Food satisfied my tummy and it lifted my spirit up. I decided to help Tiina with our SOS sign and we had fun while singing and dancing SOS version from Village People’s YMCA.

But our good mood lasted to evening.

It was not our first fight nor would it be the last one. Our nerves were in shreds. But reason was as stupid as…

“Pink flowers? Why the hell you put pink flowers to our soup?! We had them on breakfast! And you made stupid fish soup?! We had same on breakfast!”

I was boiling over.

Tiina had scolded me some time about the fact that I had not used grass or other ingredient than pink flower to spice up our meal. I had made exactly the same meal for us than she had and in same day. 

Like we had any choices! I had made fish soup because I had found in a Tesco’s plastic bag, which functioned as some sort of food storage, a fish and there were no idea not to use it. It would rotten otherwise.

And you can only make food out of ingredients available.

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. And when there seemed to be no stop to Tiina’s complaining I scowled at her and yelled over her;

“Well, miss hunter go then and try to hunt us some game while I try to invent us a fire.”

I stood up demonstratively and marched away leaving dazzled Tiina sitting there with her mouth wide open. 

At least she was finally silent.

I grabbed an armful of dry grass on my way to our miserable fire spot. It was my... well...I had lost count how many times I had already tried to make fire. Mission coconut had been a piece of cake comparing to mission update-your-level-of-civilization. We still hadn’t been able to find our inner firebugs. 

I dropped on my knees and leaned over a neat stone circle to re-arrange a stack in it. 

The unknown man’s eye glasses lay on the ground right next to the circle. The other lens – the broken one – we had removed and used two halves as our cutting tools. They were nifty. I grabbed the glasses and cleaned the single lens out from fine sand. Then I placed it a few centimeters above the stack and turned it to focus the sunlight into a small dot. And there was I again - in a waiting mode.

The sun shone on a clear sky and a mild warm wind didn’t give any relief. It was so hot that you could fry an egg on a stone. Or if I thought about it, you could fry the bacon on my back. 

A drop of sweat fell on a lens. I mopped remaining sweat from my forehead and sighted. 

I lifted my gaze briefly and blinked my aching eyes several times. My legs felt almost dead for sitting very still on my knees so long but I ignored them and leaned forward to reposition the lens.

Suddenly I heard a soft voice behind me.

“I brought you some water.”

I kept my eyes fix forward, still little pissed at Tiina because her earlier outburst. From the corner of my eyes I saw Tiina setting down next to me a coconut bowl a half full of brownish water. When I took a more focused sideway look at the bowl I couldn’t help a small smile.

On the side of the bowl in childish style was carved a heart and a text “I’m sowwy.”

A memory of one big baby boy with his pink heart-wrecking eyes and a box of heart-shaped chocolates saying that as sincere as he could flashed on my mind and it filled me with warm sadness.

I frowned to my how easy I was.

I could never be angry to anybody who says (or carves in a coconut bowl) ‘I’m sowwy’.

I accepted her apology and without a word took the bowl and drank hungrily its content in one drink. I could hear Tiina’s relieved sight before she took the empty bowl from me and left.

Everything was again ok between us.

However everything was not ok between me and the fire god so after taking a quick cooling dive to the ocean I returned to the spot and I casted again spells and curses to seize the fire making ability from him.

Just when I was ready to curse also the fire god to the seventh hell, smoke appeared. 

My heart skipped a beat but continued its dull steady beat when smoke again died slowly away. 

“How this can be so fucking hard?” I huffed frustrated to myself, ready to cry at any moment. I shook my head forcefully and drops of salty sea water flew all around. Some of them dropped on the lens of the glasses.

I was so tired for trying. Why it was so difficult to lid up a fire when it was so hot that I myself would soon turn into a big raging fla...Ouch!”

A burning pain shot through my finger and I yelped. The glasses flew in the air landing somewhere on sand as I shook wildly my hand to cool my aching finger.

What the heck?

Shock dived in when a mild scent of smoke reached my nostrils and I fixed my eyes from my hand back to the pile of twigs. My eyes grew larger. 

There was a small, but oh so real, flame.

And suddenly my body and mind stopped cooperating. I couldn’t decide whether to shout Tiina to help me or to run myself to fetch some more dry grass and branches, ending up just sitting there, hands and body shaking and gazing wildly around me.

When my eyes finally found Tiina I tried desperately to shout at her but the words stuck in my throat. She luckily glanced in my direction and noticed my wild waiving of hands. She looked at me confused and mounted a silent what. I pointed at the burning stack and tried to shout again. My first words were not luder than a whisper.

“Fire...fire...FIRE!” I yelled and in a nanosecond Tiina was standing next to me, her face in surprised awe. Soon panic hit her too. 

“Don’t let it die! Don’t let it die!” She squealed while pointing to the flame and slowly backing up. “I’ll be right back. Don’t let it die!” 

She then span around and ran towards the forest line leaving me to look over the weak flame.

“Please hurry!” I cried after her and fixed my eyes back to the flames. I relax a bit and it hit me then that I could hardly feel my own legs anymore – there were numb from sitting on them so long. I thanked gods that Tiina had seen me.

Waiting was terrible. It felt hours before I saw Tiina coming with a big bunch of sticks, pieces of wood, dry branches and so. 

The fire was dying. I shouted Tiina to hurry up.

Panic took control of her and without thinking she sprinted near the fire spot and threw the whole bunch directly on the burning stack before I could say a word. 

I gasped in horror. 

She gasped when she realised what she had just done.

The flame disappeared under the huge pile of stacks – also smoke.

I could have killed her right there in million different ways; slowly and painfully. I hold back my angry tears and was ready to scream but then I saw that Tiina’s eyes shot wide open and she inhaled sharply.

Smoke had reappeared and soon a new flame found its way up and licked branches. Soothing voice of cracking wood filled our ears. Smoke became grayer and we both inhaled it deeply like it was a drug.

The scent of smoke was just so heavenly. It beat the smell of clean laundry, early summer or every single cologne there were in the world. You couldn’t image. 

It was there when the tears started to pool my eyes and I burst into relieving cry. Tiina joined me.

I would have never thought that seeing fire would make me so happy.   
Guess did we eat raw fish ever again?

****

“I quite get you but seriously. What you aiming at with that…Ransu.”

I looked askance at the drawing on a stone but honestly – I really didn’t know what to think about this whole thing. Yeah, being just two of us made you sometimes…well…talk to a palm tree but would this seriously help in any way? Drawing Ransu, one of the most loved character from a Finnish kid’s show, on a stone so that we could empty our hearts to a …well… this stone-dog, our so-called best buddy psychologist? 

If only real psychologists would knew… 

Earlier I would have perhaps jumped straight ahead to a game without any hesitations but now I was too stressed and numb to be my playful self. 

“I was actually trying to draw Adam first but it sort of turned out to be more like…a dog.”

Right. I should have guessed.

Without thinking my eyes moved towards to the picture on Tiina’s T-shirt. It was already partly faded and torn but still his eyes on it were recognizable. I stared at them. I couldn’t help the feeling of melancholy filling my mind. 

Why the fuck I was still feeling this way even we had had our two tries and messed them both up.

“Why are you staring at my breasts?”

The question woke me up from my thoughts and I quickly glanced at Tiina. I hadn’t quite caught what she had just asked me. She stared back her brows furrowed in question.

“You were staring at my breasts.” She stated shortly. 

I panicked. 

“No I wasn’t.” I shook my head. But what the fuck. Was she really thinking that I cared about her breasts?

Her eyes narrowed a bit and she looked at me suspiciously. 

“What then?” She asked me.

My mind blanked totally. I couldn’t answer truthfully to that without giving too much away and neither could I lie to save my ass. Besides it was her fault. Why the hell she had to have that hideous T-shirt to remind me all the time of Adam?

Suddenly her eyes went wide open and were gleaming. I knew I was in trouble.

“Haah! I knew it. You were staring at him!”

Oh. Fuck.

“No I wasn’t!” I shouted in too high pitched voice which totally betrayed me. I squeezed my eyes closed which also didn’t help the situation at all. The opposite.

“Yes you we-e-ere.” She teased me now, prolonging intentionally that last word.

I opened my eyes and shot daggers at her. Her smiling face didn’t even wince.

“Or are you saying at you were staring my breasts then?” There was a hint of humour in her voice.

I was trapped. I was fucking trapped. That clever bitch...

“No. I..”

“Then you were staring at Adam! I know it. I have seen you doing it by the way.” She straightened the front of her T-shirt so that the picture of Adam was seen now properly. “Even though you try to hide it. And you always want to wash my shirt. Volunteering to do it even I hadn’t asked for it. I first thought that it was just your thing but now...Oh. My. God.”

Tiina’s eyes grew ever wider and she stared at me like she had cracked an Enigma code. I hold my breath. I was preparing myself for the coming.

“You’re still pining for him!”

Bingo!

“No I’m not!” I squeaked. I knew that my denial meant nothing anymore and that made me so angry. At her yeah, but mostly at myself for letting her to see through me.

“Yes you are.” She said knowingly. Her eyes bored into mine like she was trying to dig the truth out of them. 

I gulped.

“M-M-maybe I just wanted to like see my friend’s eyes for a change! As we don’t have much choice, do we?“ I tried but it was like talking to a wall.

She cocked an eyebrow at me.

“So, you think it is ok to stare at my breasts because I have a picture of your “friend” printed on it? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No.No.No. God no. I just...just...Fuck you!”

That was it. I snapped. I had had enough of that bullshit interrogation so I twirled around and started to fast walk away from the spot.

“Sauli! Sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

“Just leave me alone!”

I ran now as fast as I could. I wanted to get away so far from her as possible. My eyes were clouded and full of tears but I didn’t care so I just ran until I was on the other side of the island near the mango trees. 

She had cracked me. She had said my secret aloud before I could have done it myself. And it pissed me off.

I knew it and my heart had already knew it long time even though my stubborn mind had tried to block it out from me – I still loved Adam and I would do anything to win his heart back. Even it would take me years or rest of my life.

And now it seemed that I needed the next life to be able to do it.

The sun was setting and it was getting dark but still I was not ready to go back to our camp and face Tiina. So I laid myself down and watched the full moon and stars lighten up my dark world.

I couldn’t sleep.

My head was full of memories and painful thoughts and even how hard I tried to focus on the beauty the sky above me, I failed to forget. And when the picture of my own family rushed back from its hidden place somewhere in my mind, I totally broke down. 

It was harsher here than in a normal prison where you could get that one phone call. Here you could only cry to the moon and hope someone hears it.

Suddenly something poked my ass. It scared the shit out of me and I rocketed up with a shriek. 

What the heck was that?

It was hard to see properly in dark, even though the full moon lightened the place a bit, so I crouched down so that I could check what just poked me.

Sand moved right next to my right foot and I instantly moved it away. 

A moment later something small popped out from the sand and two gleaming spots stared at me. I stared back disbelievingly. And when the two small paddles moved more sand away revealing rest of the creature I recognized it. 

It was a turtle hatchling. 

Amazed I took it in my hands and watched the small animal carefully. Those two gleaming eyes looked back evaluating whether I was a friend or someone to be bitten. Suddenly all around me I could hear same rustling noises. Sand moved and new heads popped up from the ground. Here and there small turtle hatchlings dug themselves out from the sand and started to crawl towards the shoreline.

I watched the scenery amazed. I had never seen anything like that in real life. And this time I cried for joy. I felt so lucky and happy to be witnessing something like this and I watched when an army of miniature turtles headed slowly toward the dark sea and disappeared into the waves one by one.

A sudden pain in my thumb ripped my eyes from the wonder of nature and I looked accusingly that little spicy turtle hatchling on my hands.

It gave me back the same look.

I couldn’t help but smile at it. So small but still so full of attitude.

“Ok, Hercules. I take you to your sisters.”

I didn’t have a slightest clue was Hercules a boy but it didn’t stop me to name it after our dear Rottweiler. I missed him so much. I stood up and walked towards the shoreline. I kept a good grip on Hercules so that it would not fall. In the water I bowed and lowered my hands so that he was able to swim away from them.

Hercules didn’t turn around to bid its goodbyes or anything. It just vanished into the dark water and I never saw it again. 

Me, the sentimental full, stood there a long time in the water and cried. He was free. I just hoped that I could have said the same thing about me too.

Next morning I walked back to the camp and apologized Tiina for leaving her to guard our fire alone. She had been worried about me but had decided to let me calm down in peace. I appreciated it. But then I told her what had happened during the night. I knew that she might be upset that she missed it but I just wasn’t prepared to this kind of a shower.

“What the fuck Sauli!??” She shouted at me her hands on her head.

I was startled from her anger. What had I done now? It was just some baby turtles. 

“Why didn’t you catch a few of them? You just let meat go away. Food. You understand? Proper foo-ood.” She raked her hair with her fingers and it seemed she was bursting into tears at any time. “We could have cooked them. Meat. Fucking real meat.”

To be honest I was surprised about her reaction and taken aback a bit because I had just witnessed a miracle of Mother Nature. It hadn’t come to my mind to eat Hercules or his sisters. But thinking about it now…yeah…I did let months’ protein portion to crawl into the sea. Just under my nose.

“Tiina, you don’t understand. It was…awesome. I bet you had done the same.”

Tiina had folded her arms on her chest and she stared at me under her furrowed eyebrows. She was definitely still mad at me.

“If you had seen Hercules you couldn’t have…”

“Hercules? You named one of them as Hercules? As your dog?”

Isn’t it nice to talk with someone who knows more about you than you know about her?

“Our dog to be precise. But yeah. He had same eyes as him.”

Unfortunately Tiina wasn’t convinced. In contrary she turned into a human tornado. 

“What the f…You didn’t catch a turtle because it got same eyes as your dog?! Sauli, what the fuck?! Arght!”

Her eyes were now flaming for angry frustration as she gave me hell of a life time and saying how dead tired she was to eat same food every fucking day and how she missed meat. I took all this as I was too dazzled to defend myself. But she did have a point; I should have thought it through then.

When Tiina finally had to take a break to breath I felt I needed to say something – to comfort her - so I said to her; 

“We can always eat fish.”

I’m 100% sure she would have jumped on my throat and straggled me right there if not an unfamiliar shriek had not made our hearts jump out of our chests.

We both spun wildly around to the direction where the voice had come from, and our hearts skipped a beat. In front of us, just a couple meters away, stood a brown bird which looked like a small albatross. 

It was the first bird we had seen on the island and we stared at it, not believing in our own eyes. It looked at us too, curiously, like not believing that we - two humans - were there. Still it didn’t fly away. I then noticed that its right wing wasn’t ok. There was a nasty-looking injury on the wing making it impossible to be used in flying but it was good news to us and our stomachs.

In our eyes, the bird turned into a fried broiler. Our mouths watered.

“Don’t. Do. Sudden. Moves.” I whispered so quietly as possible to Tiina. We both stared at the bird as it stood still looking around its surroundings. It didn’t yet suspect us at all.

I slowly moved towards the bird, taking microsteps after another. I was sure this would be easy one as it couldn’t fly away. If it fleas, I could always run and catch it.

The bird turned its head towards us and I stopped. It glared at me like it was evaluating my threat level. I hold my breath and stared it back.

Everyone was silent. The tension between me and the bird was growing as we stared each other waiting and calculating our next moves. I could hear my own heart beat.

Just one jump. Just one big step and jump.

But like it had read my mind the bird flapped its wings and started to run away before I even moved a finger.

I cursed and raced after it.

And there we ran in a line on the beach; first the bird hopping and flapping its healthy wing occasionally, then me at its heels, arms first, cursing and demanding it to stop. And then Tiina, as the last one, waving her hands wildly in the air and shouting ‘Kill it! Kill it´.

I dived but every time the bird escaped from my fingertips, and again we continued in playing our game of tag. Soon I was getting exhausted but the image of fried meat in front of me gave me an extra energy so I kept on running even Tiina had had to stop and take a breath. 

I saw that the bird was also getting tired too so I dived again and reached for the bird. 

More by accident than proving my exceptional hunting skills I got a grip of the bird’s leg. It squealed in panic, flapping its healthy wing wildly and trying to peck my hand.

Without caring I took a grip of its wing with my other hand pulled it to the ground. Even it was hurt it was still strong and I had to use my every remaining strength to keep it still. Soon Tiina showed up and managed to take a hold of its body and pushed it down with all her weight.

I let go off the leg and the wing and before I really realized it my hands were around its neck and with a quick move I snapped its neck.

The bird writhed a moment before it stopped moving completely and I stared its now dead body in my hands. It was the first time I had ever killed an animal.

Next to me Tiina let out a happy cry.

“We did it! Yes! We did it!” 

Yes. We did it. And that made me laugh with relief and smile like a million sun. We would feast today with a meat! Proper meat.

Sudden choir of shrieks cut the air and we both froze. We looked slowly up and my stomach dropped.

The scenery in front of us was most intimidating ever.

Dozens pairs of black eyes were staring at us. The head of their dead companion was twisted on my hand, its dead white eyes staring back to the birds on the branches.

Tiina and I gulped in unison.

It was like a scene from Hitchcock’s movie ‘The Birds’.

“Don’t. Do. Sudden. Moves.” I whispered to Tiina again but now afraid we might otherwise be attacked by a flock of revengeful birds. We slowly stood up and started to take back steps. Very. Slowly.

Passing minutes felt hours as we tried to get as far as possible from the flock of brown birds. Still they were too near.

Suddenly a bird flapped its wing couple of times making us jump and squeal, making the whole flock spread their wings, making us scream in horror and take flight.

I think I never had run so fast in my life. The body of the death bird banged against my tight, but I was too focused on saving my own ass to let it go of my grip. We ran like maniacs without looking back and didn’t stop until we reached our shelter and dived inside it.

We curled like hedgehogs, securing our head with our arms and hoping quills would grown on our backs for our protection. Our hearts beat a million kilometer per hour but we tried to stifle our panting. We hardly dared to breathe.

And then we listened.

We tensed every time we heard a shriek or another noise. And relaxed when an army of hellbirds didn’t enter our shelter and we didn’t feel a stabbing pain in our backs.

We stayed like that until the first chills of coming evening caressed our bare feet. I was first to lift my head up.

“I think we’re safe.” I whispered – just in case.

It took another minute before Tiina raised up her head and then we both listened. But we didn’t hear other voices than breaking waves in the shoreline. And our own heart beats.

“You’re sure?” Tiina asked quietly.

I turned my head to search for her eyes and when I got them locked in mine I said as convincing as I could;

“I’m sure. 100%”

She huffed but kept her objection inside. I was grateful for that.

We both pulled ourselves up, which made us little dizzy. We waited a couple of minutes for our world to settle down. It was then when I realized that I still had the death bird on my grip.

I poked Tiina on her side and nodded towards the bird. 

“We’re quite a team, aren’t we?”

Her eyes lit up.

“Yeah, we are.” She said and we both burst into laugh.

The flock disappeared as mysteriously as it had appeared so that evening we feasted with a roasted “Hitchcock bird” with mangos and roots.

 

***

Days later we didn’t feast at all.

It still hadn't rain and the weather had stayed hot and humid. The water level in our dwell was lower than ever, meaning that you swallowed more sand than actual water in a handful. 

I licked my hand dry but it was no use either. 

God I was thirsty! 

We hadn't drunk properly for a long time and it started to show in us. We had barely any energy left to do our basic tasks and even standing still made us dizzy sometimes. And if that wasn’t enough to make us grumpy then painful headaches or crampings in our legs, especially when we tried to sleep, worsened it.

My whole body felt so uncomfortable; dry and warm.

This was no time for jokes or second guesses. This was now pure survival game.

We tried to find every drop of moisture in our island that possible. But it was no use. The best we had was our dwell, which we dug deeper, and used my T-shirt as a filter. And our coconuts of course. We cracked every possible brown nut we could get and drank them. We stored the shells to a shadow place so that we could eat them later.

I glanced suspiciously at a pile of green coconuts which we had gathered to a sunny spot so that they would ripen. Soon we wouldn’t have any other choice than to break them too. Even if we would spend following days with diarrhea.

I shivered and prayed it would rain soon.

This also meant that we spent most our so-called spare times lying under the shadows or inside our shelter. There were no idea to make you sweat for no reason - we had to save our energy and fluids. 

I had even quit my morning runs.

Today we crawled inside our shelter earlier than usual and laid ourselves on our plastic matt. It was nicely cool there. Unlike the hell outside.

“I wish we had a radio here.”

I hummed approvingly to Tiina’s remark. It would certainly help me with my Babylon- issue.

“So that you could listen to Adam and drive me crazy.” I joked.

“Maybe…yeah, I would.” There was still a hint of humor in Tiina’s voice. It was a good sign. We had had hard times lately anyway.

I had avoided talking or asking about Adam for certain reasons but now my own nosiness won my common sense.

“By the way can I ask you one thing?” I started and when objections didn’t come I continued. “Why do you like Adam?”

I don’t know was it tiredness or what but Tiina didn’t start to babble this and that in a fan girl voice like I had expected. Instead she stayed quiet and stared up.

I glanced at her. I was confused.

“Because of his music?” I suggested.

For a moment Tiina didn’t say anything. Then she finally sighted and nodded.

“That…and he’s my idol and is good-looking or was and….and…and…” 

She began to stutter like she was trying to find right words but couldn’t come up with any. She stopped and gulped visible.

For some reason answering was hard for her.

“And…” She continued but the stuttering didn’t go away. “ And…‘cos I…well…yeah...those… song tweets…after your break-up…were they meant…for…?”

The question had come out of nowhere. She had avoided answering me properly but it didn’t distract me. There were hints in her speech and voice which told me more than she had probably wanted to reveal me yet. So she was a fan of emo-Adam. More feminine and fragile Adam. Maybe he meant her more than just music idol but she was too afraid or embarrassed to say it aloud.

I would dig it out of her – but later. Now I was my turn to open up to her instead.

Because, was there any point not to answer when you were going to die anyway?

“Me? Yeah. Some of them.” I answered her bluntly.

Some of them really were directed to me. Distance had done us good. It had put perspective to things. When I was in Finland for DOI we had talked almost daily basis; Skyped, sent messages etc. It had been fantastic. The old passion had woken up.

But we hadn’t noticed one thing.

We had grown too comfortable being just friends. No drama, no fights. Everything was much… simpler.

And when I came back to LA we had had it quite wild for some time. But when time pasted and even how we tried, we didn’t find the courage to go further. That fetal sparkle was already gone – faded away. And slowly we just…turned…into…just friends. 

No friends with benefits. Just…friends.

“Also ‘Mi Amore’?”

“No. That was for Will.”

I felt Tiina’s eyes on my temple but I was too focused on ripping a sting out of my heart before I would burst into tears. 

Mi Amore. That was definitely Will’s song.

“You mean William Ratti? That waiter?”

The sting disappeared and I shot my shocking eyes at Tiina’s. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was.   
How she knew him when Adam had kept their relationship in secret?

“Ninjas.” She explained bluntly. “I read their tweets on the plane right before you showed up.”

I should have guessed. Probably someone had even eaten at Will’s grandpa’s restaurant and spied there.

“He looks nice.” Tiina was genuine. I couldn’t help feeling a slightly betrayed.

“He’s an asshole.” I muttered and continued before Tiina could question me. 

“By the way. which…combination do you ship or shipped?”

The answer came without hesitation.

“Him with anyone he loves.” 

Right answer.

And a relief.

“ His fans…you guys are sometimes quite…”

I was probably talking myself out of the frying pan into the fire but, even most of the fans were nice and decorous, there were that group whose actions could be considered as harassment.

All that unnecessary stalking and shit talking was just unbelievable. Even after our official break-up and specially then.

It was flattering that people were so interested in us but too much was too much. 

Why couldn’t they understand that we were human’s with feelings too? 

However, we did ask for it, right?

When you “sold” yourself to celebrity, you sold a part of your soul. Because celebrity… it always changes you; wanted it or not. Me, it had changed to be more careful about what I said or published. Forced me back to my shell even I hated it more than anything else. 

As young I had been quite open, happy and positive person but shame and uncertainty about my own sexuality had made me insecure and doubtful towards new people. After being able to step outside from that shell, much thanks to Big Brother, I had sworn to myself that I would never go back there again.

It had been awesome to be free.

I tried to live so that my fame didn’t prevent me living my life in the way I wanted or stop me doing things I wanted, but still for example, after two years, I couldn’t post a pic of me and my friend Ade without receiving hate messages.

I wanted to protect Ade from that and usually deleted the pictures afterwards but still it pissed me off that I had to do so. But I wouldn’t stop trying because no one – I repeat – NO ONE would never ever kill my positive spirit away. One day, everything would change.

Everything.

I have to say I was lucky to have gained the image as an overly happy and positive person. It had surprised me at first but I was glad at people saw me like that. 

And as long as you handled your own image, you were safe. You could be the worst scum in the universe but still be re-elected to a Parliament or be voted as the Person of the Year. Those persons didn’t see any reason to explain themselves. It was ‘take it or leave it’ situation; I don’t care what you think ‘cos I’m who I am and won’t change myself for you. And so you cannot hurt me.

Still, it definitely wasn’t the easiest way. And if you weren’t strong enough, you were doomed.

Sometimes I wondered how Adam managed all that attention he got. 

To be his boyfriend and to be forced to share at least partly that attention had asked me a huge adjustment. How people worshipped and followed him was in much larger scale than any Finnish celebrity would ever get.

It had been a real adjustment.

But I had been ready to do it for him – abandon everything and hop into this weird world of Hollywood fames he lived in- at the stake of our love. 

But I had just forgotten one important thing:

My own life.

And it for the first time I was wondering was I fool for still pining for Adam. 

 

***

 

Tiina and I licked in frustration the wet rocky surface of the Bart rock. There came water, perhaps, but not so much that it would satisfy our need of hydration. 

It had been again a hot day. 

We had dug our dwell deeper but water in it had begun to taste a bit salty. Even if I wasn’t sure could it be possible, it seemed that we had dug too deep past the fresh water level. 

We should dig a new one. But right now we were both too exhausted and weak.

Suddenly a sob interrupted my thoughts.

Tiina was crying. The constant heat and all this struggling for finding fresh water…and bluntly surviving…had finally taken its toll. Her eyes were already red – she must have cried a while – but there came hardly any tears.

I took her in my arms and tried to soothe her…

“Hush now. You need those tears inside you.”

The sun was setting bringing soon us the mercy of the cooler night time.And before its final leaving, it exploded the whole sky and showed the spectacle of colours. 

We sat on the beach looking the show. I pulled Tiina near to me and started to pet her back. She placed her head on my shoulder and we stayed quiet a while. Sometimes you just needed the comfort and closeness of another human being. 

“You know...there’s no one coming.”

I knew it. We both had known it a long time but it was first time one of us said it aloud. I bit my cheek and fought back the tears.

The truth hurt more when you said it aloud.

“And will it ever rain again?”

I looked up to the cloudless sky which didn’t give any hint of a possible rain. I decided not to say it aloud. 

“Soon.”

“Soon-soon or Adam’s soon?”

Unfortunately that was a question that I couldn’t answer so I just shrugged and carried on petting her back.

“Soon. I promise.”

We sat there until the sun was just about a half an hour away from taking its lasts light rays with her. 

We walked to our camp in silence, holding our hands. This could be the last times in our lives we would experience anything this romantic even though there was nothing romantic in US holding hands. But that didn’t keep me away from thinking about it. 

Sad isn’t it?

Suddenly a thunder echoed around us startling us both. And when a moment later heard another rumble we ran to the shoreline and looked wildly towards the horizon.

I wasn’t religious then and still isn’t, but it was like I had seen a god. Dark mass was floating above the ocean and sudden flash of light cut its surface. It was majestic sight, most beautiful in my entire life and I couldn’t tier my eyes away from it. 

I was too afraid it would disappear if I turned my eyes away.

I wasn’t sure was it my hopeful mind or did it really seem to get bigger and bigger but when we felt fresh breeze on our faces and saw those dark clouds rushing towards us we both burst into a joyous laugh and yelled for happiness. 

We had prayed for this. We had waited so long this rain and coolness that when first raindrops fell on our cheeks we didn’t ran away to hide ourselves. We just stood there our eyes shut and mouths open and welcomed our savior.


	10. I sing alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Will finally tells why they fought with Sauli - his point of view. 
> 
> !!! Edited 20.7.2014 - the corrections I made to the chapter before I added it weren't saved for some reason.

Adam's POV

What if everything happens in purpose?

Even the bad things.

What if they turn your course of life in right direction without you noticing? 

Even when they tier you heart into pieces and slap on your cheek for whining.

I sat on my bed staring into the dark; only sound being an irritating buzzing of a fly. And I was thinking.

What was the meaning of all this? What would the stars say?

I closed my eyes and sighted. 

Who was I kidding? There were no reasons, no explanations, nor excuses why it was necessary to torture a simple human being. There was no bigger purpose behind this all. It was just a brutal cruelty.

Fresh tears prickled the corners of my eyes and I welcomed them. I had cried so much lately that I thought I was unable to produce any tears anymore.

Luckily I was wrong.

***

”Adam. Are you ok? Adam? Adam?! ADAM!! Oh my god. Wake up. Wake up! Adam!!”

Will had found me lying on the floor in my study, face blanched, totally blacked out. He had called my name and tried to wake me up by shaking my limb body but only my eyes had opened a bit for showing just whites of them. He had feared the worst.

My mom had again been the first one to park her car in front of my place just before the ambulance had swerved next to her; she really should give some driving lessons to paramedics. She had had to calm trembling Will down by assuring him that I had just passed out and was still breathing steadily. And then she had driven them to the hospital on a heel of the ambulance.

I was already full awake when we finally arrived to the hospital and after a thorough check-up and a tiring enquiry I was discharged on the same day.

It was back at my house where my mom finally let herself break down.

“Honey, you’re sure you ok? You sure you don’t want me stay here with you?” She asked me a millionth time, her eyes red from earlier sobbing.

I sighted.

“I just passed out, mom. It’s not a biggy.”

“Not a biggy?!” She yelled. “Christ Adam, you hit your head! You could have hurt yourself worse. How’s it by the way?”

“Still little sore but I’m fine, mom. Don’t worry.” I tried to assure her and hugged her. She took a deep breath in my embrace and relaxed a bit. After a while she broke our embrace and took a hold on my both shoulders. She looked into my eyes in her unique I-don’t-take-bullshit-answers way. I suddenly felt a teenager again.

“You promise?” She asked. A smile spread to my face and I switched into my mom-I’m-your-favourite-baby-boy-remember mode.

“I promise.”

Mom inhaled deeply and blew the air out slowly. She finally relaxed. She didn’t break our eye contact even though her voice was much gentler now.

“You should rest now, honey. I go and get me some coffee before I leave. You want something? Will?”

I shook my head and said no thanks. Mom fixed then her eyes at Will who had all this time sat quietly on the smaller couch and fiddled his fingers, but now he lifted his head up and shook his head too, almost unnoticeably.

My mom hugged me once more before she headed to the kitchen. 

When my mom had disappeared into the kitchen I turned around to face Will. He still sat quietly on the couch and stared his hands. I sighted sadly and went to sit down next to him. He glanced me quickly, a hint of a smile in his sad face, before he continued to examine his own fingers. 

I took a deep breath.

“You’ve been awful quiet.” I said to him gently. 

Will stopped fiddling his fingers and bit his lower lip nervously. It seemed that he was holding back his tears.

“You scared me.” Will whispered in a heart breaking voice after a while. He still didn’t lift his eyes from his hands. I sighted sadly.

“I know.” I murmured. “I’m sorry.”

I rubbed Will’s back with my hand, trying to soothe him. We didn’t say anything for the longest minute. The coffee maker made its noises in the kitchen and I could sense that mom was listening to us near its door way. I thanked her for her consideration.

I felt a sudden urge to explain them my behavior. But saying it aloud was hard. I still didn’t want to believe in it. And I couldn’t be sure that I had understood Sara correctly. But still - I knew.

“He’s dead.” I said quietly. Every word was a stab of a knife in my heart.

“I know. “

I blinked in surprise and shot my eyes at Will. How HE knew? I stared at him and silently begged an explanation. He just shrugged.

“It’s all over the news again. The accident, I mean.” He then explained.

So it was true - I had understood correctly the message behind Sara’s call in Finnish. I was full of inconsistent emotions but to my surprise the reassurance didn’t hurt as much as I would have expected. It felt more like…a relief.

“They stopped the investigation of the accident.” Will continued a moment later. “They said it’s…very clear case. Some technical failure and that they’re all dead.”

“And mom knows?” I asked quietly.

Will nodded. Well, that explained her over-protectiveness.

“Yeah. We both saw the news in the waiting room. It sort of explained…this. You.” 

Will swallowed and turned to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Adam. I know how much he meant for you,” he said quietly and lowered his glance again. There was a hint of jealousy in his voice but he hid it well. Only the stress in a word ‘he’ betrayed him. 

I looked at him and sighted sadly. Will’s eyes were again locked in his fingers and I could see that he was holding back his true feeling about the situation. I shook my head to myself. This all – my constant moaning, break-downs and so - had not been fair to him but still he was here. Sitting beside me. And in that moment I couldn’t help the rush of love and gratitude towards this precious man.

I folded my arms around Will’s lean body and nuzzled into his neck.

“Thank you.” I mumbled to his neck. I really meant it. “For understanding…and staying by my side.”

Will tensed a bit but soon his body relaxed and finally he lifted up his head. I planted a kiss to his neck and nuzzled into it little more. I think it made him finally smile a bit too. 

“Always for you, Wolfy. Always.”

 

***

The final assurance came next day when Sara called me for apologize her behavior in her last call. We cried together and talked about Sauli. During the call I waited Sara to say something about Sauli’s funeral but she stayed quiet over the subject. And I didn’t dare to ask about it. So the call ended us promising to stay in touch and saying our goodbyes. I sat on a couch and stared into the emptiness long time after I had finished the call. I felt empty; like I had just finished one path in my life. 

Which in same way was totally true.

The worst part was to call to all our mutual friends to tell them the news and to try to find the way to tell it to his own buddies. Next few days ran fast by when our friends came by to share my grief and memories over our dear friend. Will stayed politely in a background and never said a bad word about the visits, although, I could sense his relief every time the guests finally left. I let it be as he and Sauli never really became friends; more like opposite.

And from there I started to take small baby steps towards the normal life – without one of my best friends, Sauli.

I of course still grieved over him but, especially to Will’s joy, I finally accepted an invitation to this gala and informed Will as my avec. We also went for clubbing next Saturday, and for the first time for ages, I had good time. Really good time.

Still Sauli stayed in my thoughts and dreams. I wasn’t over him and his tragic dead. And at least once I thought I saw him in the street in West Hollywood. I almost yelled his name but stopped just in a second. Still in some dark corner in my subconscious, I thought I would see him alive again. But it was nonsense – and I knew it.

But above all life slowly started to win again.

About a week later from Sara’s call and my blackout we were at my place and Will had made his famous pasta Bolognese – his granpa’s recipe – served only for the special ones like he always said. I sighted content when the hot steaming plate full of pasta with delicious meat-tomato sauce was placed in front of me. I drew in the heavenly aroma of spices and herbs and my mouth started to water right away. In the corner of my eye I could see Will beaming with satisfaction. He took his own plate from the counter and took a seat on right side of my small kitchen table so that we were sitting kind of next to each others. As I took first forkful of pasta I couldn’t help thinking how well I have chosen my boyfriends. I could cook…at least something…but my outputs were nothing compared to Will’s…and especially to Sauli’s cookings. 

Sauli. 

My own kitchen slave. I grinned to the memory.

The first time he was visiting me in LA he had been shocked about the contents of my fridge. He had scowled me about it and I had just smiled foolishly at him. I had loved that he hadn’t been intimidated about my fame or so and that he already then had thought my best. I already knew then that he was something special and that with other things proved my feelings right.

You could say that first Sauli stole my heart, filled my tummy with all his goodies and then finally…blew up my mind.

Also in the worst way too.

“What are you smiling at, Adam?”

Will’s question woke me up from my sweet reminiscing world. I lifted my head up to look at him. He gazed at me with a questioning eye. I smiled.

“Was just thinking how well I have chosen my boyfriends.” 

Will arched his brow but still a beaming smile spread in his beautiful face.

“Silly. Eat your pasta.” He pouted me with a smile in his face while pointing my food with his fork.

“Yes, dad.” I laughed and took a new forkful of his delicious pasta.

The dinner was perfect. We continued our discussion in the kitchen and I poured us more red wine. The conversation stayed light until the subject changed into Will’s work situation.

He still hadn’t found a new job.

“Can’t you like ask your grandpa if he takes you back?” 

Will twiddled his wine glass on the table and rolled his eyes. He was getting a bit annoyed.

“You know he would.” He huffed “But I don’t want to go back there. My ass-uncle, you know? And why is it so big deal for you? Sauli didn’t work, right?”

I raised my eye brow to his last remark. Will rarely mentioned Sauli deliberately.

“Well, it’s hard to work when you don’t have a green card.” I pointed out. It was not the first time I had to stand for Sauli. “He did get a 10-year visa thought. It was not a biggy. My family and I wrote him good recommendations. But it still meant that he couldn’t be in the States more than 6 months per a year. And couldn’t work. But it’s difficult for a foreigner to, like, find a work here in his field. Too much competition. “

“You just need to try harder.” Will stated bluntly.

I stayed quiet and stared my wine glass. I just didn’t want to fight tonight. But Will just didn’t know anything about Sauli and his dozen attempts to build a career here. America wasn’t easy place for an outsider. And our relationship had paid the price of that. I didn’t want it to happen again.

My mobile peeped in other room and I glance quickly the clock in my oven.

“It’s probably Sara.” I said to Will and was about to stand up and get my mobile but then I glanced Will quickly. The impression in his face said that it would not be a good idea so I stayed glued on my chair.

“Why are you still in touch with her?” There was a hint of annoyance in Will’s voice.

I just shrugged.

“She’s his sister.” I murmured and gave Will a side-way smile.

He shook his head to that.

“I don’t think it’s not good for you. You should have a chance to let it go. Her calls don’t help you.”

I huffed. It was not his business. I would stay in touch with Sara if I wanted to.

“The Koskinens think me as a distant family member.” I explained him slightly annoyed. “And Sauli will always be part of mine. They loved him too.”

Angry jealousy flamed in Will’s eyes a moment but he hid it quickly. But I had spotted it. I narrowed my eyes and examined Will carefully. His eyes were now back in his wine glass, his all concentration on analyzing its colour so I decided to let it go.

Will just needed to understand the history between me and Sauli. And his background. He had come to the States where he had no relatives or friends so my mom had taken him under her wings as well. He had it easier than any other my boyfriends in that way. It also helped that he had a great open personality and he showed his skills in the kitchen, stealing our hearts from the first dinner he had made to impress my folks.

We missed him. I missed him.

And his meatballs.

“Could you make me meatballs some time?”

Will lifted up his head. His eyes had flown open in surprise.

“Oh. Sure. Yeah.” He squeaked happily a moment later and started to babble about his granpa’s yet-again secret recipe. I giggled to his cute excitement but I had had another recipe in my mind. I raised both my hands on the level of my chest to halt his babbling.

“Easy babe.” I laughed. “I have also a recipe somewhere here. Hold on a sec.”

I rose from the table, walked to the inner kitchen and opened the upper right drawer from the kitchen cabinet and started to move things out of my way. While I tried to find a piece of paper I knew existed somewhere in those drawers or cupboards, Will watched my fussing with a confused impression on his face. There was a hint of hurt in his eyes but I didn’t register that then.

I squealed when I finally found a dirty, well-worn crossed ruled paper piece I was looking for. I jumped next to Will and showed him the paper.

“See, here it is. It’s my favourite meatball recipe. Sauli left this to me.” A sad smile crept on my face when a sweet memory slowly fogged my sight. “So that I could make them myself. But I never did. He always made them – it was his bravura. The dough, cooking and so. He only let me like roll balls. You know I always wanted to help him more but he just said he can and wants to cook by himself. Always thought that my kingdom is the studio and his our kitchen so…”

A loud bang to the table interrupted me.

“Shut up Adam! Just…SHUT UP!”

I looked at Will totally surprised. He glared at me his face red and his eyes flaming. His fisted hands were on a table and his whole body was tensed like he could explode at any moment. 

I was taken aback a bit. Why he was so angry suddenly?

“Will…”

“You fucking think that I want to hear anything about you and Sauli?!” He cried so loud suddenly that I almost had a heart attack.

“Don’t you remember that he hit me?” Will kept on barking. “Hit me to my fucking eye!! I had a black eye almost a week, Adam! It was so embarrassing. Think about it. I had to convince my dad and my brother that you hadn’t hit me. They were so_oo angry. And that blogger -what the fuck his name was- even HE blogged that you had hit me. And you didn’t want to correct the rumor… “

“Yes I did!” I protested quickly. “I just didn’t…I just…”

“Didn’t want to ruin his reputation.” Will scowled.

“Well…yeah.” I admitted. “His my friend…”

“Who hit me.” Will interrupted angrily. He stressed the both words. “Your boyfriend.”

Will glared at me his eyes full of angry and hurt. I sighted. He was partly right. I should have done more. And it made me feel ashamed. 

I sat down to my chair and lowered my head. I stared my hands on the table. 

The old thought popped up into my mind out of the blue.

“Will.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and lifted my head up to face Will’s stare.”Why did he hit you?”

My question startled Will and a moment he gazed me puzzled.

“You say it was my fault?”

“No.” I shook my head. “But neither do I believe that Sauli would hit you without any reason.” I continued calmly.

Will’s eyes flew open from the shock.

“So you’re on his side?!” He yelled in disbelief and ran his hands through his hair. “Adam, what the fuck?!”

I raised my hands in front of me to signal him to calm down.

“Wow, hold on! I don’t take sides. I just want to know what the fight was about. I think I have the right to know.” 

Will shook his head in disbelieve.

“Adam. Just believe me.” He said his voice still a bit angry. ”It was nothing. Just absorb nonsense fight. Sauli overreacted a big time.”

He waved his hand in the air like messaging me that this was the end of this conversation but I was not going to give up.

“Please Will. Just tell me.” I begged him almost desperately. I really wanted to know. I needed it. So I stared sternly straight into his eyes and waited. I tried my best to look like I could wait eternity for the answer.

Will stared me back coldly and his lips stayed sealed a long time. But I was not giving up. So I kept on staring him and demanding the answer with my eyes. After a small eternity I could finally see his cold impression slowly melting. I put more pressure to my stare and slowly his red angry eyes softened too and watered again. He rapidly turned his gaze away from me and inhaled deeply. He bit his lips and I could see him he was thinking hard. 

After few more minutes he finally gave up.

“About meatballs…” He whispered. His voice was almost inaudible. 

I furrowed my brows in confusion. I surely didn’t hear that right.

“Meatballs?” I asked for assurance.

“Yeah, meatballs.” He replied, now little louder.

I couldn’t believe my ears.

“You fought over meatballs? You mean meat-meatballs?” I asked him disbelievingly.

Was he fucking playing with me?

“Meatballs, Adam. Just damn meatballs! What you eat.” Will spat and gave me back a dirty look.

I looked at him stupefied. He was serious? Would Sauli really give him a black eye because they quarreled over balls of meat? How I found that hard to believe.

It was like Will had read my thoughts.

“Just believe me Adam. It was nothing but a fight over which meatballs are the best. Nothing more.”

I bored my gaze in his, daring him to prove his claim. But he didn’t even blink an eye so in the end I looked down to my hand and the piece of paper in it. All that non-sense fighting was because some stupid disagreement over a meat ball recipe? So Sauli died thinking that I hated him because of meatballs? Angered I crumpled up the paper and stuffed it into a pocket of my jeans. I ran my hands from my face through my hair and frowned. I would so need time to progress this news.

“And you seriously think I should believe that?” I asked annoyed and buried my face into my hands. 

“Who am I to you, Adam?”

Will had totally passed my question but his came to me as a total surprise. I lifted my head up from my hands and asked him stupefied, 

“What do you mean?”

Will glared at me, his lips pursed in a tight line. His eyes screamed me that I knew perfectly well what he meant.

“You know Adam. When you talk about you and Sauli it’s always ‘ours’. Our home, our kitchen and so. But you never say our place like I was involved. It’s always just yours then.” He said accusingly and continued, imitating my way of speaking. “My house, my kitchen, my bedroom.” He shook his head. “You know, I have lived with you almost a month now and still I don’t know can I call this place home. MY home” His both hands flew in the air gesturing the house. 

I froze when I listened to his outburst. I was about to interrupt him to state out my disagreement over the subject and shut my mouth immediately. Because he was right. I had never really thought the house as his home and that make me think why.

Why it was so difficult to say it as ours instead of mine? Was it just too early? Or was it something else?

I hid my face back into the comforting darkness of my hands but couldn’t find the answer to my questions there either. After a moment of silence and furious thinking I couldn’t do anything else than to mutter behind my hands.

“I’m sorry.”

I heard Will sighted.

“So Adam, tell me. What am I to you?” 

I dropped my hands and turned my glance back at Will.

“My lover.” I answered him truthfully.

Will’s eyes softened a bit but there were still full of hurt.

“Why do I find it hard to believe sometimes.” He whispered in return and turned his head away breaking our eye contact.

My heart clenched. But before I could say anything Will continued in sad voice. 

“Why are you so mean to me, Adam?” Tears had started to roll down Will’s cheeks. His anger was now totally vanished. “Don’t you get it that I love you?” His voice cracked in the end and he started to sob uncontrollably.

My body switched into a panic mode in a second. 

“But I do. I…I..” I faltered but nothing sane came out of my mouth. I opened my mouth just to shut it again. It just couldn’t form the words I knew he was waiting for and it terrified me. 

For some weird reason I just couldn’t say it out.

Terrified I just sat there still, even my mind screamed me to go and hug him. 

“Say something. Adam. Please.”

As I repeatedly fail to let out a single word Will sighed sharply and shook sadly his head. He buried his face in his hands and stayed quiet for the longest minute. The sad angry tension grew ticker around us. And after a moment of awkward silence he drew his own conclusions.

“Right.”

He rocketed up from the chair so that it fell backwards and hit the kitchen floor. The loud bang made me jump on my chair.

He walked towards the front door and I followed him in silence. Right in front of the door he suddenly twirled around and glared at me angrily, his index finger pointing at me. 

“You know what Adam?” He snarled. “I don’t know do you get it at all. Even how much you moan or cry it won’t wake Sauli from the death. You know. He is dead! D.E.A.D, dead! And will stay dead even what you try. Just accept the fact, start finally live your own life and remember that you have…or fucking had a boyfriend so fuck you and good night!”

The door slammed and he was gone.

Probably for good.

“Don’t go.”

I just stood there and stared the front door numb until the world around me collapsed and I had to call Danielle to save me. And she wouldn’t be my best friend unless she had not stood behind my door just an hour later with a huge box of ice cream. 

A couple of hours later I was laying on my couch, my head on Danielle’s lap and crying my eyes out. 

I was so going crazy. 

“Why it had to happen, Dani? Why? I loved him. You know that. Why everything has to be so hard for me. What have I done wrong to the Universe to make it hate me so much? He loved me. I loved…no I love him I mean. Now he is gone and I don’t know what to do. I can’t live knowing that he hates me. I want to die, Dani. Please let me die? Please? Just this time? Please?”

I cried my head on Danielle’s lap and she petted me. She probably felt terrible to be forced to hear all my non-sense suicidal talk. But I couldn’t help it. I just felt dying. My heart was black and empty. 

“Dani, what I have to do to get him back? What?” I cried. “I do anything. Anything! I…I.. .I donate money. I go to church every week. No! Day. Every day. And I record a full album of fucking Christmas carols and pose as a Santa on its cover. I tweet a naked pic of me and I promise that soon means less than a month…or a week…or…Arght!!! What can I do Danielle. Please. Tell me!”

Danielle tried to soothe me by saying I talked non-sense and that everything will be ok in time. I shook my head. 

“It never will. He left thinking that I hated him. Because of meatballs.“

Danielle’s hand froze and she stared me confused.

“Addy…Sorry but…What were you talking about?” She asked me. 

I shot my eyes at her in shock. Wasn’t it obvious?

“Of course about the one I love!”

***

The irritating buzzing of a fly had finally stopped and changed into a quiet snoring. I wiped my eyes and glanced to my side. A small smile formed into my face.

Oh my dear friend, Danielle. How sweet you are even when you asleep.

I leaned over her, placed a soft kiss on her temple and then left the bed as quietly as I could. I closed the bedroom door behind me and headed to the kitchen for a coffee. 

While the coffee maker poured his black stuff into its glass pot I watched over my nightly home town. The sun was not going to rise in another hour but the city looked beautiful with its glittering surface. I had always loved it. Even then when my apartment hadn’t been nothing more than a lousy rat hole. 

I belonged here.

First tunes of some random song from my iPad – I was listening to one of my favourite internet radios – caught my attention but I didn’t bother to listen to the song itself properly. Parts of lyrics danced around my mind and I noticed that for the first time in ages I was creating something. Finally.

I smiled.

I understood then that I would eventually get over Sauli’s dead. I would heal.

Coffee was finally ready so I opened the cupboard I had my cups and mugs. I usually just took the one on the front row but this time for some reason I fished a one from the far end. I gasped when I recognized it. 

It was a jumbo mug with a stylish picture from some movie and Universal Studios text on the other side. Sauli’s old mug.

He had bought it from his first or second visit to the place and announced that now he had something his own in our kitchen. I giggled to the memory. His seriousness had been so cute. I just wondered now why he hadn’t taken it with him when he had moved away.

With a sad smile on my face I decided to use it and poured coffee to it. 

I walked back to my window. 

Sauli had also fallen in love with this city. He also had belonged here. LA had been our town. Our lives were here.

The song in the background had changed and I recognized it. It was one of Dido’s, one of her old tracks. I liked her calm and ethereal voice and it fitted into my current mood. And when I listened to the song itself I realized it fitted too well. 

_“….Returns no more_  
 _I will not watch the ocean_  
 _My lover's gone”_

A month ago he was taken from us. We had prayed for a miracle, believed in it. But the fact was that he died in the crash. The ocean ate him and his fellow passengers and all we had left from him was memories… and this mug.

The song went on and I could feel tears starting to roll down my cheeks again.

_“The tune upon his lips has passed_  
 _I sing alone_  
 _While I watch the ocean_  
 _My lover's gone”_

I pressed my lips on the corner of his mug and let it all sink in me once more.

_“No earthly ships will ever bring him home again ___

_Bring him home again….” ___


	11. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter when I was working on with the chapter 3. I heard Gabrielle Aplin's Salvation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IEMnWhT_7c) which inspired me a lot. 
> 
> I just love the song.
> 
> It a short chapter and not about what some of you might hope for but still....it's an important one.
> 
> Hope you like it.

Sauli’s POV

We had stepped from a torture to another one.

We sat wrapped in our broken canvas under a tree; even it didn’t help much. We were soaked, the whole world around us was soaking wet. There was not a single dry spot in the island….or in our world. 

It finally had started to rain. But it rained….and rained…and it would not stop.

Our happy rain dances and ‘It’s raining men’ songs had first turned into jokes like ‘Damn, I forgot to take my shampoo with me’. Then when rain had turned into heavier and wind had started to blow harder our laughs had quickly died out. The weather had turned into a storm and the tides had reached high, broken down our camp, forcing us to find a shelter from the inner island. Still water reached our feet. Our cheerful atmosphere had first turned into terror, and when the storm had finally died leaving rains behind we slowly fell into grey dullness and finally on a second day (or third…or fourth, I don’t know) of almost non-stop rain and wind we sank into the black-clouded depression.

Heavy rain drops just kept on beating us. 

I was cold, dead tired and hungry. All our food, we had gathered, had been washed away. We had managed to grab just couple mangos with us before the tides had hit our camp and we had been forced to move further the shoreline into the forest. Although, it was not any way safer place at all with falling coconuts, branches and palm leaves. I just hoped that any palm trees wouldn’t fall on us.

Tiina slept in my arms under the canvas. Time to time she would shiver and wince in pain. I felt sorry for her. Like being in a desert island when the hell had broken out would not be enough. But dealing it, when having THAT time of month, must be a nightmare. I tried to pet her lower back while I tried to fill my mind with something positive.

But I failed.

A mantra, said in a deadly sweet voice, kept going on and on in my head: 

I want to die today. 

I want to just lie down and just stop breathing. 

Stop feeling. 

Stop being. 

End finally this torture they call a life.

There weren’t many reasons to live anyways. Besides I would end up living rest of my life here, in this godforsaken island with palm trees and sandy beaches. End up juicing rest of my life - without my loving blender though. Eating mangos with flowers and berries, mangos with coconut milk, coconut milk soup with fish, fish with grass, etc. Oh, how I would kill for a big juicy steak. Extra well cooked, if I may choose. With salt and pepper, creamy dressing, French Fries… The thought of good food made my mouth watering so I shook frustratingly the image away. 

I should focus. 

I needed to focus to survive. I needed to live. I had lived through hard winters in Finland; heavy blizzards and – 30’C. This was nothing. For real I couldn’t die. My sisters needed me. I couldn’t let them down. And mom and dad... And… 

I hesitated ‘cos maybe I was hoping too much. Maybe it was all too late. 

Hell! Of course it was. 

Why the hell he would even care to think about me? He thought I was dead! And he had Will now. And better so. Adam needs him now… even though I would rather be the one next to him.

My tears mixed into the streams of rain water on my cold cheeks.

This was not me anymore. This was just a shell of me. I had already died ages ago.

And from there I slowly fell into a depressive drowse.

 

**

 

I woke up. Instead sitting under a palm tree I stood near the shoreline. The storm kept on roaring around the island but it didn’t rain anymore. I looked around me and saw that everything was gone. 

Our camp. Our food. Our canvas. Tiina. 

But for some reason it didn’t bother me. Instead I turned to gaze at the sea and the beautiful moon bridge on it. But on it stood a dark figure. 

It seemed to stand on water. 

I looked at it curiously. Its lines were blurry so I couldn’t tell was it a man or something else. But for some reason I wanted to go and touch it but my legs were like glued to the sand. I couldn’t move them at all. I stood there helplessly when the figure started to move slowly and suddenly widened. 

It now looked like a big black triangle. 

Suddenly small bright dots appeared on the triangle and soon it looked like a piece of starry sky.

I stared at it. It was so beautiful.

At very moment when a silent humming started the upper corners of the “triangle”, which I recognized now as a cloak, collapsed and a dark lean shape appeared behind it.

The tall figure with dark brown hair stood in front me, his back to my side.

I gasped. 

I knew who it was! And when the figure turned around so that I could see him properly, my eyes watered. It was him. With his George Michael- clone image. But he didn’t look at me – more pass me - and it hurt me inside.

Slowly the humming grew louder and the melody became more recognizable. Tears started to roll down my cheeks uncontrollably now I knew the song. 

My lullaby.

My legs still couldn’t move a bit even how hard I tried so I reached out my arms and shouted at him but not a sound came out of my own mouth. 

I panicked. 

I tried and tried to yell and scream but my mouth only just opened and closed without a single sound. The float of tears run through my cheeks and my throat hurt like hell but I kept on trying. I wanted him to see me. To look at me.

I needed it.

Desperately.

Or I…

Suddenly a drumming sound started to overpower the melody. It rained again and it grew heavier and heavier every single second forming a thick wall between me and him.

I lost the sight of him.

The world around me looked now distorted.

I cried out one last silent cry and fell to my knees, head down and panted from exhaustion. The storm kept roaring around me. Lightnings blinded me and deafening thunderclaps almost blew up my eardrums. Heavy rain pushed me down and stormy wind screamed to me to give up. 

To bend. 

To break. 

To give up for good.

The whole world was against me. And it was slowly winning.

I panted heavily and tears streamed from my eyes. My hands were shaking now and my tired body trembled for cold and giving-up. 

It was all over. I would give up. I couldn’t fight against the world. 

Not alone.

Without any hope.

…hope.

The last word echoed in my mind and then…something…lighted up inside me.

A fire.

My whole body tensed from the new growing feeling and slowly I clenched my hands into fists.  
I lifted my glance and fixed my eyes at the chaos in front of me. 

Who fucking said I didn’t have any hope?

“Fuck…you.”

The words came out with difficulty but when I had said them aloud it was like the whole world had exploded around me, like the Doom Day was rising. 

The storm grew even wilder and violent. But I lifted my head up proud, not caring of driving rain and beating wind and slowly but determent stood up my fists still clenched. I glared with all my determination at the blustery sky and challenged the storm to a duel. 

You or me. 

But only one of us will stand in the end.

As for an answer the storm suddenly quieted down and I heard a new voice: a distant rumble. Water line rushed back and moved away fast from the shore. 

I fixed my eyes to face the ocean. 

Far away in a horizon a tsunami rushed towards me frighteningly fast. It grew fast in from of my eyes and its ominous voice was intimidating but like a boxer waiting for the final strike I stood still, watching and waiting for it to approach me. 

Fire burned inside of me.

Fuck the world.

As long as I had a glimpse of HOPE, it will NEVER bend me down,

The tsunami was now not more than couple 100 meters away from me so I placed my legs sturdily in position and drew a big breath in. 

Those seconds felt a small eternity, which was over too quickly. 

But I was ready.

The drops of sea water wet my face and I could smell the strong salty tang in my nostrils when a pile of water, high as a mountain, rose in front of me. It was intimidating sight. I inhaled deep and gathered all my strength, and just when the tsunami was going to hit me I let out every drop of my frustration, determination, hopes and fears with a mightiest roar I could get out of my lungs.

It was like a glass shield had formed around me and the tsunami divided in front of me. The piles of water swooshed past both side of me and it felt it would never end.

I was like Moses in Red Sea and I kept on screaming and cursing the universe.

Sorry the world but I would never lose my want to live!

Never lose my hope!

I screamed until my lungs were in fire and my head was almost exploding of lack of oxice.

Tired, I collapsed to the ground panting heavily. My breath wheezed and every inhale hurt like I had needles in my lungs. My ears were drumming loudly and every part of my body burned. I was totally worn-out.

But I had won.

The world around me was normal again. Like nothing had happened. So I lay there on warm sand exhausted, but more sure about myself and what I would do.

Strange light surrounded me. 

I slowly looked up, squinting my eyes because of the brightness and I saw… 

Him.

He stood there on the beach just couple meters away from me, his whole body shining like the sun.

He was smiling.

My eyes watered for the ache of his brilliance but my mouth curved into joyous smile. 

He was there…for me.

And with my last strengths I stood up and with wobbly legs I took couple steps towards this shiny man in front of me. 

He opened his arms to me and I dived into his warm embrace. I hugged him, pressing my cheek on his warm chest and cried for joy. He pressed his arms around my tightly and kissed the top of my head. 

After a moment he loosed his arms around me and lifted his hands to cup my face. He pressed his forehead and nose against mine and bored his sparkling golden eyes deep into mine.

“Never give up.” He whispered in his soft, but demanding voice.

“Never…”

 

**

 

I woke up from my drowse to a new world. 

The rain had finally stopped. 

I looked up and saw that the clouds were still rolling in the sky but no more they were intimidating in any way. And just out of the blue the sky broke out and revealed the divine sun. I closed my eyes and welcomed the warm of it on my face. 

My lips curved into a beaming smile and a small whisper escaped from them.

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update in August - I'm on holiday!! 8)


	12. Goodbye Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from my break.
> 
> Another short chapter but next one will be longer. :)

Adam’s POV:

A storm of laughter cut the air.

It was a beautiful, sunny December afternoon. We –Sauli’s friends and acquaintances from LA - we sat on blankets which were laid on a wide grass spot in Griffith Park. We were having a picnic and having a good time. Champagne bottles were broken out and cheery conversation filled otherwise quiet surroundings. The atmosphere there was light and happy.

The way Sauli would have liked it.

Only last week the Koskinens had announced him officially dead. The waiting and uncertainty of their love one’s fate had been rough for them, but I had understood that the announcement was, in the end, a big relief to them. At least now they could mentally bury him. There was no funeral coming. They have thought it unnecessary. Instead they had bid people to honor his memory by spreading good and happiness around us. 

The way Sauli would have liked us to do. 

And this picnic was our way to honor his memory and also bid our last goodbye to our sunny friend. It was not forbidden to cry or miss him but this was not a place to moan. We would honor his life by celebrating him with a smile on our faces.

The way Sauli would have approved.

There were also a little group of fans who had some way found out about our get-together. They had first stayed discreetly in a good distance from us but I had then walked to them and asked them to join us. They were after all here because of Sauli so why not let them? They had been pleased and thanked me dozen times and moved their blanket nearer the bigger group. They now sat close to Sauli’s closest own LA friends; those who had actually organized the whole event. 

I turned my head to look at the main group and I couldn’t help out a giggle. Between Lexi and Lotta – if I remembered their names right – sat a shiny black machine. 

Sauli’s juicer. 

“How on Earth they got that here?” 

I joined Danielle’s laughing. However I bet Sauli wouldn’t mind it being here too. I sometimes thought he loved that damn thing more than he did me.

The sun had started to set.

I fixed my eyes to the other side of our blanket were sat Tommy. He had stayed awful quiet a long time.

“Everything’s ok, Tommy Boy?”

He glanced at me quickly before he continued fiddling his fingernails.

“I’m ok, bro.” He said then in a quiet voice. “Just missing him.”

Danielle moved closer to Tommy and gave him a big Danielle-style hug. A little smile escaped to Tommy’s face and it made me smile too.

“I know. We all miss him too.”

Soon our conversation was interrupted by a young woman with a blond hair and Finnish characteristics, who handed us yellow balloons, one for each, and a black drawing ink. I thanked her in Finnish. She smiled to me and said something in Finnish, which I didn’t understand, before she headed to the next group of people. Tommy had grabbed the ink first and was already busy with his balloon. A minute or two later he finished and handed me the ink. I took it and did the same as he just had done to his balloon - I drew a circle on it and coloured the circle fully black. I then drew six curved lines which were attached to the black circle; so that it formed an image of a flower. 

A sunflower to be precise. 

We had adopted the idea from one Asian fan who had released a sunflower shape balloon into the air for the memory of Sauli. She had also written a message for him on a piece of paper and tied it to the string so that Sauli could read it in heaven.

I had a message of my own. I wrote it on the other side of the balloon so it wouldn’t be lost in a wind or so. The message was quite simple but had a lot of meaning:

**“Thanks for the meatballs. Yours were the best. Love you.  
-siippa-”**

I hesitated a moment before I wrote ‘siippa’ under my text. It had been the nickname Sauli had given to me when we had started to go together. It still gave me a titillating shivers when I remembered his radiant smile and joyous shouts of ‘siippa’ every time I came back home from a long work day or trip. How he popped out the other p in the word (a characteristic in Finnish language – double consonants I mean- which I never handled well) and between every syllables he gave me a smack around my face, neck or lips. Until it came that one day, a fragile moment, when I found him standing in our balcony instead, staring the nightly city below us with a red wine on his hand. And he was thinking. Thinking about something very hard. And I didn’t know was I welcome to join him so I let him be on his own. The choice which I won’t never be sure was it a right one. But our downhill started from there.

But if the decision had been bad, our love never had. And we never stopped loving each other. It just...transformed into more friend-base one. 

Besides he would now recognize my message from any other Adam’s one.

So ‘siippa’ could stay and I drew little hearts around the text before I handed the ink to Danielle in turn. I watched my balloon and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. A sudden sadness filled me momentarily and I bid my lips to avoid the float of tears.

So this was it. My last goodbye.

I had always thought that Sauli and I would grow old and bald together – if not as a couple at least as good friends. And he would drag me to those gyms for seniors to join once again new hit exercise course or some knitting club full of evil grannies. However, Sauli had joked many times about moving to Florida in his old days – it was what old people in Finland seemed to do. I had said I would follow him and he had given me a mocked look. ‘Like we really would’ he had said and laughed, being totally right about it.

We were both west coasters, not those eastern bums. 

I felt a pressure on my shoulder and another yellow balloon blocked my view momentarily. I pressed my cheek on Tommy’s head and placed my right arm over his shoulders. I welcomed his soothing closeness. It was so comforting.

A just moment later a girl in from the main group stood up and asked for silence. She gave a little speech, where she thanked us for coming and proposed a toast to our late friend - Sauli. Everybody rose a glass, bottle, can or whatsoever they had on the reach of their hand and shouted ‘To Sauli’. And the first bunch of balloons was released and it was followed by others. We also released our balloons and soon the sky above us was full of yellow balloons with drawings of sunflowers. 

The setting sun had now disappeared completely behind the mountain and the sky had broken out to million different shades of red and orange. I sighted sadly but smiled. My eyes watered because of the beauty in front of me and the feeling growing inside of me. 

I was happy.

Since Sauli’s accident I had walked in a fog, my world black and white until this moment when all the colours of life filled my universe again. New lyrics passed finally through my foggy mind and I felt inspired.

It was so like Sauli to do this for me as his last gift. Make my life full again.

So I bid my farewell to my sunshine and thanked him for everything while we watched our balloons to disappear into the sky which was slowly turning from colour blast to starry sky.

An hour later I was driving back home after dropping out Tommy and a couple of other friends to their homes. The whole memorial had been a beautiful event, filled with joy and humor, a one which kind of I hope I myself would receive some day.

My mind was now clear and the vision of the future had drawn into my head. Because for me watching the sun setting had meant more than just beginning of the night; it had got more metaphorical meaning. 

It meant the end of one era. But also it was a beginning of a new one.

The most stupid thing now to do would be pining for a dead man. Even it was Sauli. He wouldn’t want me to do it either. So I needed to move on, give a chance to me. And I would call to Will tomorrow and ask him to meet me. I needed to apologize him and try to solve our problems. 

This was the next step in my life. I would start to live again.

For me. Just for me.

I turned up the volume of my car radio and sang over the Steve Garrigan’s melancholy singing while the tears of wistful happiness ran on my cheeks.

_”It's time to let it go, go out and start again  
But it's not that easy_

_But I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started_  
 _High hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again_  
 _High hopes, when it all comes to an end_  
 _But the world keeps spinning around…”_


	13. Edward the Scissorhands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go...took its time but this chapter is finally done. Hope you like it. It's a longer one as I promised.

Sauli’s POV

“Fuck!”

The scrappy lump of hays, plastic strips and something-and-something, which served as our ball, flew in a fine arch over me and disappeared behind a wave with a splash. 

I ignored the happy shout behind me and instead sprinted towards the shoreline. I dived under the water and swam as fast as I could towards the spot I thought the ball was, even though, I knew it was pointless. I wouldn’t find it in time. So a bit later I plodded back to our playground, dripping wet, to witness Tiina’s victory dance around the home base.

“Home run and the crowd cheers. Wooah-wooah! Kitee rules, Hyvinkää sucks! Hah!” 

Couple more Travolta moves before she turned her head to meet my glare. A wicked grin spread on her tanned face and I could have punched her right there to wipe it away.

“Yeah, nice one. But now we don’t have a ball anymore.” I grumbled and tossed the wet lump of mess, formerly known as our ball, to the ground. 

The smile disappeared momentary from Tiina’s face before her mouth stretched back into a huge grin.

“It doesn’t matter, Hyvinkää boy. I still won.”

I gave her a dirty look but then let out a cackle. The ball - not a big deal - life would go on. Hakuna Matata! 

This was me again. Filled with happiness and good spirit. And thanks to that dream of Adam – new hope.

I had survived already once from months of isolation when locked in Big Brother House. This time it was just like an endless replay of the last hour of the show when there were only me and Kadi left and we sat on a couch waiting impatient for the announcement of the winner. It had felt an eternity. This time though, me and Tiina, we already knew that we might end up waiting that eternity. We did know that nobody was looking for us anymore. But it didn’t mean that we couldn’t be rescued some day, somehow. So we had two options: we could either live in a constant fear of not seeing tomorrow or live like it doesn't exist. And if we wanted both to be winners, we needed to choose the later one.

And that - we had.

With a smile on my face I placed my right arm over Tiina’s shoulders, and we left from the pesäpallo (i.e. Finnish version of baseball) field towards our camp. Or Sauna City as we called it nowadays. We had rebuilt our destroyed camp and improved it at the same time. There was now a five-star hotel called Hilton Sauna Island with one double room with an ergonomic “bed” and excellent ventilation. Next to it was Cursing Monkey Bistro (don’t ask about the name – let say I had a little incident with a coconut and the sharp stone…) which served various coconut-based meals and drinks, and a beauty salon which focused more on inner beauty than outward appearance because of the lack of basic tools like…a hair brush. And a work shop or sweat shop depending on how warm day it was.

The need of culture was satisfied with a statue of inextinguishable fire which stood in front of the Hilton Sauna Island. It was ridiculous how easy it had been, comparing to earlier attempts, to kindle a fire this time. It had been a little miracle itself that I had found Uncle George’s eye glasses on the beach after the storm, almost buried under the sand. But smoke and then fire had appeared in a first try.

And thanks to the fire our city even had its own fire brigade – established when sparks from the fire had flown straight to Tiina’s hair, which had almost caught alight.  
I can tell you that I have never carried anybody into water so fast in my life!

About Uncle George then – well, we had given the name to that unknown dead man we had found on the beach some time ago. To have a dead body buried somewhere in the island was, to be honest, quite creepy but giving a name to it eased our wildly running imagination. He became the neighbor who you knew by name but did never see around. And we usually blamed him if something was wrong or missing.

“Sauli!”

“Yeah?” I shouted back while examining long plaited twines in front of me. They were made from different fibers like hay, plastic and wood, and we would use them to make us robes. And the robes we would use to our craft. And the craft to get out of here – possibly alive. 

“I just went to pick up us coconuts and I’m sure we’re missing one again.”

“You sure?” I asked half-mindedly, without lifting my eyes from my task.

“Yes, I just said it!” Tiina snapped irritated at me. “Sauli, I’m not fooling around! I’m sure there’s someone robbing our coconuts.” 

“Probably Uncle George just got hungry.” I joked lightly, not caring of her non-sense concern, and continued braiding twines together. Like who would steal our coconuts here, in a desert island? Although, a wandering coconut-eating zombie in this island wouldn’t, for some reason, surprise me at all.

“But it’s a third time.” Tiina whined but didn’t luckily stay brooding over the fact. Instead she changed the subject to our craft and we shared our wild ideas for our future “luxury” boat called Great Escape of The Seas.

Later next day I was top of the palm tree picking up coconuts. Most of brown coconuts had been dropped down by the storm and big part of them had the waves washed away into the sea. We had already picked up all the brown ones we had found on the ground and took them to our camp and then piled all the green ones to a sunny spot so that they would ripen. I hoped it would do the trick. Or otherwise we would be forced to eat them as raw. An unwelcome thought of diarrhea crossed my mind and it made me shiver.

Suddenly a shout came below me.

“Sauli! Hold on tight!”

Before I could react to it I heard a loud bang and the palm jolted, making me almost lose my grip from the trunk.

“Tiina! What the fuck?!” I shouted pissed and shot my angry eyes down at Tiina. She ignored me. She was staring something below me with a long branch in her hands. Her body was totally tensed and rotated like she would anytime swing the branch like a bat in baseball. Even my mind screamed not to watch I couldn’t help leaning a bit and peeking under me. 

Blood ran away from my face.

It was not like I hadn’t seen anything that big in my life. It was that this time there weren’t a 20-centimetres-tick steel glass between us and it was climbing up the trunk. Towards me!

It looked like a crossing of a crab, lobster and spider. Its claws were huge which were followed by two pairs of legs with pointed tips and two smaller tweezer-like claws. It was totally blue which make it even more intimidating in my eyes. And it was just too close!

“Don’t…don’t…don’t you let it come near me! You hear me?! Tiina!” I screamed in panic and tried to climb higher but it was impossible. But my aimless rushing made me slide more down than getting higher at all. Tiina hit hard again but still the giant crab didn’t lose its grip from the trunk. I screamed to her to hit it again and again so that it would eventually fall down and at the same time I tried to get my legs higher as possible. Tiina tried again but this time she missed it. The crab was getting out of her reach. It left me only one choice. I grabbed the nearest coconut and aimed it at the crab. I missed it miserably but something weird happened then. 

The crab started to climb down! 

This time Tiina didn’t miss. 

The crab fell all the way down and thudded on the sand. But before we could say or do anything it moved like nothing had just happened and crawled towards the coconut nearby. We both just stared at it, our mouths wide open in astonishment, when it then took the nut between its pincers and began to rip off strips. I climbed carefully down and went to stand behind Tiina and her all-time ready bat, without taking my eyes from the sight. In slow moves the crab continued ripping off strips one by one and we just stared at it like two dumb-asses. At least we knew now who our thief was.

After a while Tiina huffed in disbelieve and shook her head.

“I so knew this, but still.” Tiina said her eyes still fixed on the blue giant crab working on with a greenish coconut. “You’re quite an animal magnet, you know that.”

“Yeah.” I answered, still staring the crab myself too. “But I’d rather though they are small and fluffy.”

That night I saw a nightmare where a giant crap ripped off my hair, one by one.

***

Next morning we went to look if the crab had vanished but it still continued its task monotonously. Slowly ripping off strips one by one and clawing the shell time to time. It was creepy but in some way very hypnotic. 

“How long is it gonna do that?” I wondered aloud.

Tiina stood next to me her arms folded across her chest and shook her head a little.

“I don’t know, but I think it’s better we stay out of its way.”

I couldn’t agree more so we left to fetch some breakfast for our complaining stomachs.

After our regular coconut-based breakfast (Have I already told you how I missed eggs and bacons?) we continued building our craft. The storm might have destroyed our earlier  
camp and most of our things there were lost, but it had as well brought lots of junk to our shores. Like wood for our craft, plastic bags to use for robes and collect food but also something even more valuable - plastic bottles. Just two days after the end of the storm a huge floating mass of different size of bottles had been washed up on our beach making us scream for joy. It was so much easier now when you didn’t have to walk to the dwell (we had dug a new one) every time you were thirsty, and we could have fresh water bottled with us when we would leave Sauna Island with our craft. Some of them we would use for the boat to make it more floatable.

So every cloud had a silver lining…if you just waited long enough. 

I scratched my itchy beard. It still felt weird as I never had had it so long like now. Not that I looked anything like Father Christmas, but it still felt a bit…scruffy.

What would I pay for a razor?

My hair also needed a cut but comparing to Tiina’s half dread half mop of hair I bet it was still in quite neat shape. It would take ages to get tangles out of Tiina’s long hair.

We looked like two primitives. Like some damn Adam and Eve. 

A memory of a conversation with my friends popped up to my mind. We had talked about some news article about the never ending wondering why some people just “turn” into gays. There were so many opinions. Either homosexuality was a disease or a trend-based phenomenon or lack of father’s or mother’s love or something like that. Or just simply it was just in your genes. 

But should that mean that Eve or... 

“...Adam was a gay?”

Tiina just hummed for an answer without lifting her head up. Then she suddenly froze, furrowed her browns and turned to look at me.’’

“Wa-wait....What did you say? Adam was...what? What do mean by that? What do you mean ‘was’? “

I couldn’t but laugh at her confusion. It was super cute.

“Not our Adam.” I explained cackling. “I was thinking about the Bible Adam.” 

“Oh.”

Tiina’ face flushed and she quickly fixed her eyes back to her hands and knots.

“You’re weird.” She muttered in a voice that made me chuckle even more. She punched me to my arm to make me stop and ordered me get back to work. I obeyed Ms Commander but still couldn’t stop giggling to myself.

Tiina’s face was now red as a overripe tomato.

Some people were so easy to be teased.

We continued our tasks until it was too hot to work. I gathered together our ready twines and grabbed my water bottle with me. We walked to our dwell to fill our bottles and sat down under the shadows of the trees nearby. But still in a good distance from the crab who still was concentrated on its coconut. 

I liked these siestas when you could just let life flow past you. In these times we were most relaxed. 

“Sauli.” 

“Yeah?” I said absent-mindedly. I had been on my way to a sweet day-dream.

“Can I ask you one thing?”

“Mmmaybe…” I hummed. I’d rather had been on my way to horny exercise session. “What do you wanna know?

Tiina didn’t answer straight away. She stayed quiet quite a while; only sound being her deep calm breaths. It made me alerted. 

“How does it feel to be ok with your sexuality?”

My eyes shot wide open and I was fully awake now. The question itself wasn’t surprising; I had answered to it many times. No. The thing was that there was something in Tiina that had bothered me a long time. And I thought now was a good time to find it out if I had been right.

“Just normal nowadays.” I said casually while looking up to the sky.”But seriously when I accepted myself as a guy who lusts for other guy’s body, it was a relief. And scary at the same time. Because I didn’t know how it would change my life; would I lose my family, my friends, my safety feeling in home town or so.”

At this point I turned to my side and fixed my eyes at Tiina’s.

“But for me, BB post came at right time. Even though I myself still struggled a little with the fact, being part of the whole concept in the end helped me to come out properly. When the audience saw me as a gay, it was so easy to say ‘yeah, I’m gay’. And finally believe it too.”

When I had stopped I still tried to look straight to her eyes. I hoped she had understood my message behind the lines.

Amusement lit up on Tiina’s face.

“I know what you’re after.” She said with a little grin. “And I’m ok with it but it’s just…” She shrugged, and suddenly all the amusement was gone from her. She turned her head to look up to the ocean and frowned. 

“I just don’t know who I actually am.”

I cocked an eye brow at her. This was getting interesting.

“You mean that…”

“It’s complicated.” Tiina interrupted me quickly. She frowned again and her beautiful face turned into more serious one.

I wanted to do everything to wipe that discomfort out of her.

“Well, we have all the time in world”. I pointed out her, with a hint of joke in my voice.

A smile tried to sneak to Tiina face but she pinched her lips together in order to prevent it. She huffed a bit amused. 

“Smart ass.”

“And cute too.”

That broke Tiina’s self-control and she burst into laugh. I grinned victoriously and giggled with her and a moment we were again like two care-free teenager. But then Tiina suddenly turned again back serious and her browns furrowed. This time she was thinking.

I started to pet her arm gently up and down. I knew it. I understood. But when you get that thing out you, it comes a thousand times easier to life with, and when someone approves you - million times. I would let her take her time to find the courage to speak up. Let it out. There was no hurry. I wasn’t going anywhere.

My hand was already sore when she finally spoke up.

“I’ve always been a sort tomboy, especially when I was a kid. You know. And I never really thought about it why until last year, when I… “

“So you like girls?” I interrupted her, maybe rudely, but I was dying to get the answer.

She gave me a side-look but she didn’t seem to be annoyed of my interruption.

“Yes.”

Finally! I knew it. I gave myself a high five for analyzing my gay radar right.

“So you’re…” I started but this time Tiina interrupted me.

“No.”

I protested immediately.

“Hey, I was going to say you’re a bi…”

“No. I’m not. Stop interrupting me.” Tiina repeated, much sterner this time.

Now I raised an eyebrow in question. Her reply had surprised me and at the same time confused me. What did she mean by no? If you like both girls and boys, you’re bi. Or that is how I would put it.

“As I said earlier - it’s not that simple.” She said while rubbing the bridge of her nose with both hands. She was at the edge of her comfort zone, but I decided to still push her a bit. 

“But…if you like girl and guys, doesn’t it mean that you’re a bi?”

Tiina sighted defeated.

“I don’t know.” She said quietly under her hands. You could clearly hear from her voice that this subject wasn’t easy for her. 

I stayed quiet and let her have some time to think. I watched as Tiina chewed her lower lip nervously, still her hands hiding her eyes and cheeks.

“Maybe I am bi or something…” She continued a moment later. “…but doesn’t it mean that if you are one, you don’t yourself want to be something else?”

That was something I hadn’t expected!

“What do you mean?” I asked her now totally confused. Then suddenly it dawned on to me. 

“You mean you want to be a guy?”

“Yes. And no.” Came the answer under the hands.

I didn’t understand anything anymore so I demanded that Tiina would tell me more. And so she told me. 

It had all started in junior high school when she had read a book called Maurice and started to have wet dreams about two guys making out. She realized that everything gay-related made her, let’s say, arouse. It had been both scary and confusing. She lived in a small town in Eastern Finland where everybody knew each others in some way and where the word gay was a swear word. This world I knew too well too. But nevertheless, she had tried to deny it and hide her feelings from others. But when she fell for this girl in her parallel class she thought she had finally figured it out. She wanted to be a guy because she liked girls. It had to be so. Because the priest in her confirmation camp had said there was only one kind of true love between men; between a man and a woman. She did already hide her girly shapes in loose hip-hop cloths and she never really had liked her body so it sort of fit into the big picture. But she still was a girl to outside world.

A new world opened to her when she had moved to Savonlinna to study there. She joined a friend group of 6 girls and there…she met Sini. The girl who made her world go upside down. A half a year later they started to date and to Tiina’s surprise she didn’t feel like being the guy in the relationship. More opposite. She started to wear dresses and high heels and suddenly she realized that…she was comfortable with her girl body. She still hid her relationship with girl from her folks but she, for herself, was out of the closet  
They dated a year and Tiina had a couple of tries with girls until her world again twisted around.

She met a guy.

She had known him since elementary school but they hadn’t seen since Tiina moved to Savonlinna. But when they one night met in a bar in Mikkeli and recognized each other and started to talk… well…she suddenly found herself under the sheets with him.

At this point she thought that she knew it now. She was a bi. And she liked to be a girl. Actually she was a girl, if I understood what she meant. But still all that time she had had that…how she would describe it… need to go and fuck somebody. Like a man. But she had buried it deep inside her.  
Her next and last waking up was when she was in the States. The girl from her first family had made her listen to Adam and at first she had not so much cared for his music until she heard the song ’Underneath’. The lyrics had hit her somewhere deep and hard and all her earlier ghosts had suddenly got loose.

And on that road she was still on.

I was listening to all this in disbelief and in amaze at the same time. I had never heard anything like that before. And I understood now why she said it was complicated. She had only lately drawn to a conclusion that she might be an androgyny. But she would still like to have an ability to switch her sex whenever she wanted. In her opinion it would make all much easier. 

“That’s quite harsh.” I said sympathetic. “It’s a shame that is…well…impossible.” But my words had gone to deaf ears. Tiina was far away in her own dream world.

“I would so fuck Adam then.” She said with dreamy excitement.

I huffed demonstratively. 

“Oh, you just dream on it.” I warned her but a satisfied smile spread on my face. All sweet memories of me with Adam filled my mind. 

“Damn lucky ass.” Tiina gumbled to my ear.

“And it knows it too.” I said happily making Tiina giggle and slap me to my chest and call me a pervert. I was glad she had open up to me, even thought, she was more mess than I had thought. I could only imagine what it was to want to be something you couldn’t be. But in my point of view she was just in the mid-way of her journey to find out who she really was.

“What made you fall in love to Adam?”

Tiina’s question interrupted me from my thoughts. I glanced quickly at her and focused then back again to swinging palm leaves. Did it really happen anything special?

“It just happened.” I said and sighted. “He just felt…right from the very start. We just sort of clicked together. I don’t know.” 

“You seemed to be so right for each others.” Tiina admitted quietly and continued her questioning. 

“What’s the best in Adam?”

I didn’t have to think that long.

“His heart.”

“Yeah, right!” Tiina pouted and poked me to my side. I cackled and couldn’t help the silly grin spreading across my face. Tiina smiled at me back and we just smiled to each other like two silly teenagers.

“Seriously.” I said a moment later. “He is so genuine and smart. And I really do think the wisest organ in human is the heart.” 

I knew this by experience.

Tiina arched her eye brow.

“I thought it was the brains.” She said predictably. I bet she never had really fallen in love.

“Well they work fine…until you fall in love.” I explained my point of view. “Heart takes the lead then.”

“But doesn’t it still need the brains to work?” Tiina pointed out.

I nodded but I wasn’t finished yet. 

“Yeah. But it is wise enough to stop beating when your brain closes down. And when you fall in love…” I continued. “…and your brains and whole body is just a big lump of jelly, it says what you should do.”

“Like move thousands kilometers away from your home where you have no friends, no job, no relatives, nothing?”

I arched my eye brow. I knew where this conversation was about to head.

“Yeah. Something like that.” I answered.

“You know.” I sighted and paused to collect the right words. “It is quite easy to get 10-years visa if you have good recommendations, and well…I can tell Adam is not a bad one. But still you cannot work and you have to be outside of the country six months per year. Can you imagine how frustrating was that? But I hardly saw him anyway.”

Tiina hummed for understanding.

“I can only imagine.” She said quietly.

“And I don’t say like…that…it wasn’t quite fun, at first, play housewife with luxury a life and nice hobbies, but you know…it…soon starts to feel like old porridge - especially when your life is full of waiting and uncertainty. You become frustrated and start to grave for your own “life” and career. And I hate to be depended on someone. I do have my pride, you know. And I did work. I did. Tutka for example. But you like…really cannot afford to live in LA just doing little things. And it’s so fucking hard to build a career in the States unless you’re some supertalent. So in the end you just get frustrated and when you read those dozens of good offers which Finnish TV and media had sent you, you…well…I just wanted to have a career again when I still had a chance for one!”

I pressed the last sentence and looked at Tiina. She glared to the sky, her brows furrowed like she was thinking but her face was a bit…sad?

“Maybe I was too greedy, I don’t know.” I continued my speech quieter. “But I felt that my life then was slowly choking me to dead.”

“Is that why you stopped loving Adam?”

My brows arched in surprise. Tiina’s eyes were still fixed to the sky but her face was tense like she was afraid what I would answer to her question. I could nothing but stare her a moment. It had actually hurt to hear her asking something like that.

“No. I never stopped loving him.” I answered truthfully. “It’s just that…well…that and that we had so little time for each other and many other things together sort of…put it to its end. Well…in the first round.”

This time Tiina’s eyes shot wide open in surprise.

“In the first round?” She asked, her voice demanding for explanation.

I took a deep breath in and prepared myself for the ride ahead of me.

“Yes, in a first round. We did have a second try last year, you know.”

“What?!” She almost yelled “You did? Then why…? What...what happened?”

I closed my eyes and thought about her question. The answer to that was so simple.

“I don’t know. We just…were just too comfortable of being just friend. No drama. Just fun 24/7.” I explained calmly even inside of me I was slowly breaking into pieces.

“Oh, fuck you two! You should have just tried harder! Fuck!”

I had never heard Tiina this mad before and it made me open my eyes. Tiina had sat up and was glaring at me furiously. I don’t why but her words had hit me harder than they were probably supposed to and I almost began to cry.

“And now you’re stuck in here and he’s with that other guy and…” She muttered while shaking her head and started to toss sand.  
I didn’t manage to get any word out from my mouth so we stayed silent a long while. Tiina continued to stare hard to the ocean and toss sand aimlessly, and I tried everything to not break down right there. 

Maybe I was both; too greedy and too stupid. Maybe I didn’t deserve to have a chance to get Adam back.

“Does Adam know you want him back?”

I glanced at Tiina who had stopped tossing the sand and sat now her arms hugging her legs. She still stared to the ocean. I sighted and said that certainly not. Adam and I had been satisfied to our status and it wasn’t until Adam had introduced me to this new guy he referred as his boy friend that my feelings towards him had reawakened. And more I learned about or talked with Will, more I hated him. 

But probably it was just because of jealousy.

“You still have a chance.” Tiina said like it was the truth. I huffed and sat myself up too.

“Believe me, I don’t.“ I spat out before I thought about it further.

Tiina’s eye brows arched a bit. I cursed myself that I had woken up her curiosity.

“Why?” She asked in a voice I knew meant nothing but trouble.

I decided to stay tough this time and stayed silent. But it didn’t stop Tiina for trying to dick information from me and soon I was fed up her continuous questioning.

“Shup up! Ok? It doesn’t matter anymore or does it? We’re still stuck in here! In the middle of this fucking ocean and meanwhile Will fucks Adam and we can’t do anything about it. Besides Adam already hates me and....”

I shut my mouth quickly and my squeezed my eyes shut. Me and my fucking big mouth!

“Hates you?!” Tiina asked dazzled. “Why?”

“Just forget it. Ok?” I tried but inside I knew I had already lost the game.

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Sauli.” Said a soothing voice next to me. “I think you’re wrong. He cannot hate you. You’re his friends and he’s too nice to…”

“Don’t! You know nothing!” I shouted at her and glared at her angrily. “Ok?! Nothing…it was all just stupid…just…nothing.”

Suddenly my eyes clouded from the tears and I buried my face to my arms on my knees. Fuck me for being this sentimental. 

“I don’t believe you.” Tiina said sternly. “Or why it is so hard for you to talk about it?”

I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my troat. I wasn’t ready to talk about it but seriously - would I ever? 

“ Cos I hit him.” I muttered under my arms.

I didn’t see her but I felt the hand on my shoulder tensing. I had shocked Tiina.

“You hit…? Who? Why? Not Adam...?”

“No.” I assured her and lifted my head up. I stared straight to the distance as I didn’t yet have the courage to look at Tiina.

“Will…I hit Will.”

“What?!” Tiina shouted surprised. “You hit that guy! Why? What did he do to you?”

“Nothing.” I said. I could feel my face turning in red from shame. “We just had a fight at Leila’s dinner party.”

“About what?”

I glanced quickly at Tiina before I fixed my eyes to my fingers. When you thought about it now, it all felt so stupid. I fiddled my fingers and took a deep breath.

“Because of meatballs.” I whispered with a sight.

Tiina’s face was worth of seeing. She shot me a disbelieving look.

“Sorry? You probably kidding me?

“No.” I shook my head. This felt SO stupid now. “We did fight because of meatballs.”

Tiina was now totally dazzled. She stared at me her mouth and eyes wide open and in a moment she didn’t get any words out of her mouth.

“You…hit…Will…because of…meatballs?” She repeated in doubt.

“No. We fought because of meatballs.” I pointed out coldly and continued killing my non-existed cuticles. “He said he would do meatballs in a tomato sauce for next dinner party. A family recipe. But that’s my bravura. Besides Adam’s family likes them best in brown sauce but he didn’t believe me. No. I hit him because of…” I shook my head without lifting my eyes from my fingers. “…what he said to me then.”

I shut my mouth again unwilling to continue. A waiting silence fell around us and for some time we stayed quiet. 

Tiina broke the soothing silence too soon.

“Well…? What he said to you?”

I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head. I doubt she wouldn’t stop until she had dug out the information from my brains herself.

“He said…” I started but shut my mouth right away. I felt already so stupid. I had had so much time to think the episode through, that now, I saw that I had been an idiot, a jerk, an asshole, but still, I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit it to Tiina. I had just admitted it to myself.

“It’s ok, Sauli. Just let it out.” Tiina tried to soothe me and rubbed my upper back.

“He said…” I swallowed the lump in my throat. If I didn't spit it out now, I wouldn’t ever. 

“…it’s not my job anymore.” 

Tiina was about to ask me something but I ignored her and continued;

“…that it is his.” I spat out and bit my lower lip hard. Tears blurred my vision now and even bigger lump was forming in my throat. I could hardly swallow it. 

“’Cos I’m not part of the family anymore…” I blurted out almost crying. And that was it. It was out now. End of the story.

And it was true. And it hurt like hell. 

I turned my head away when I felt that tears had started to fall down my cheeks uncontrollably.

“Sauli…come here.”

Not part of the family.

It echoed in my mind. It had echoed ever since I had left Leila’s house and stopped the taxi driving pass it. It had swirled around my head all the way home and when I had finally fallen asleep, hugging my wet pillow.

Because every word was true.

I was not longer a part of Lambert family. Not the inner circle to be precise, but the outliner. Being Leila’s helper was Will’s job nowadays. 

When I moved to LA, I left my family to Finland. I was the hardest part of the deal. Thanks to Skype, mobiles and stuff it was easy to keep in touch with them but I still missed them.  
But it got easier by time.

Especially, when I was included into another family - Adam’s family.

No one else can understand how important it is to feel to be part of some family but another outsider. Of course I had my own family but they were thousands of kilometers away and lived in different time zone. I just couldn’t take a cab and drive to them if I want to. And if something happened to me, it would take them ages to come to me. After I was welcomed by Adam’s parents and brother to their family I felt secure, because I knew if something would ever happen to me and Adam was out of town they would be the ones beside me. Helping me out if I ever needed it.

And that was the most important thing.

Now…I did have friends and a circle of acquaintances in LA but it was nothing compare to a family. Real family. Which you could always trust. And for the Lamberts – the family was everything.

Tiina hugged me tight and listened my outburst with patience. Even my heart ached like hell and inside I had broken into million pieces, I was glad that I had opened up to Tiina in turn. It wouldn’t wipe out the fact and it would not solve the situation but at least I had said it out and was getting sympathy from someone. 

“If you like, you can call me mom. If that makes you feel better.” 

I shot my head up and looked at Tiina totally dazzled. And suddenly I could help hysterical giggling escaping from my mouth. Being it tiredness or the absurdness of her suggestion, but I just couldn’t stop laughing.

That was probably the most ridiculous thing I had heard for a while.

Tiina joined me and we both laughed and leaned on each other.

“Wouldn’t that make me a dad then?” I asked between giggles.

Tiina shook her head.

“We would make a lousy pair but I guess we could call ourselves a family still. Here aren’t many options though.” She tried to hold her laughing. “Just we…and Uncle George.”

“Yeah, and the turtle babies who have already flown from the nest.” I added in turn.

“And a group of crazy relatives who visit once a year, and even that is too much.” 

We both burst into a laugh again.

“Oh, and don’t you forget Edward.” Tiina shouted out suddenly.

My laughing died out right there and I asked confused;

“Edward?”

“Edward the Scissorhand! That giant crab.” Tiina explained and gestured towards the direction where the crab probably still was.

“Oh.”

We both stared now to the same direction. But Edward was hidden behind trees so we couldn’t see it from there.

“You think he still works on that same coconut?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Tiina said vary. “And hopefully will a long time.”

I nodded in agreement and suddenly a though came to my mind.

“He can be our long lost cousin!” I joked and was rewarded a smile from Tiina.

“Or our back-room’s uncle.” Tiina pointed out instead and I let out a cackle. That description suited better for Edward.

“That sounds good.”

“You see now. We have a family here in Sauna Island too.” Tiina said happily while spreading her arms to her sides, gesturing our world around us. 

I looked at her and a warm feeling filled me inside.

“Yeah. We’re a family.” I admitted finally and we both smiled like two fools to each other.

To be a part of a family. You can or should never underestimate the feeling of being able to say ‘Yes. I’m a part of a family’. 

Never.

***

Two days later Edward the Scissorhand finally moved to the next stage.

“Sauli! Come quickly!”

I dropped the load of branches from my arms to the fire and fast walked to the place where Tiina was standing. She pointed to a palm tree nearby.

“What is it?”

“Look.”

My eyes shot wide open.

“What the heck he’s doing now?”

Edward was now almost top of palm, holding a coconut husk in its claw. We watched when he seconds later dropped the husk and started to descend. But when he was still about 3 meters away from the ground Edward suddenly let go of the trunk, making us both gasp in surprise, and fell down with a thumb. And again like nothing had happened he crawled to the nut and continued to cut his way inside the shell with his claws. 

It didn’t take long before Edward finally succeeded to break the shell.

We watched it fascinated when he with slow movements sank his claw inside the husk and withdrew it with a piece of white coconut meat. He ate with no hurry and so sophisticated like a royal. In that way it looked a bit funny. 

A good time later Edward finished its feast and let the hold of the coconut. The nut fell on its side so that the crack was faced sidewards and clear liquid started to come out of it.  
And it seemed to just pour out of the nut nonstop.

It made me think. 

I turned my head and glanced quickly at the pile of greenish coconut. It was like a light bulb had suddenly lighted above me. I twirled around, leaving surprised Tiina standing there on her own, and sprinted to our “kitchen”. I grabbed one of those greenish coconuts on my way and I threw myself on the ground on my knees. I hit the coconut repeatedly against the sharp stone with all my strength. The realization hammered against the back of my head and I was so concentrated on breaking the nut that I didn’t hear Tiina’s shouts next to me. When the shell broke with a familiar crack and liquid started to pour down I placed my lips over the crack and drank. 

And this time…it satisfied my needs.

You can feel in million ways stupid from just one simple reason. We had been so afraid of getting diarrhea that we hadn’t touched green coconuts. Thinking they would turn our insides upside down. And that’s why we had suffered of dehydration, even though, all that time we had been standing in the middle of these mini oasis.

Realizing that made me want to curse myself to seventh hell, but then again, I had just also earned us a new point in this game of survival.

Lesson #313: Never trust in your fear.

Later next day we found something which proved this opposite.

Many times we had searched this island for food and so, but yet we had seen anything like the two bushes in front of us. They were full of red berries.

“What if they are poison?” I asked vary and stared hungrily at the berries. I was so fed up with coconuts and grass and roots and fish and mangos that I would eat just anything. Still the nagging voice in my head said we should be careful with these berries. 

“But if they’re not?”

I glanced quickly at Tiina before I fixed my eyes back to the bushes full of deliciously looking, dark red, juicy berries and my mouth already watered.

“We should try.”

She didn’t sound convinced at all but I surprised myself by nodding and approving her suggestion.

“I think so too.”

We both picked up a berry and held it near our mouths. We stared each other, and after a silent 3-2-1 we put our berry to our mouths. 

The berry tasted heavenly. It wasn’t sweet or bitter but something between, but nevertheless, it was so…so…heavenly that I almost cried.

“I’ll die if they’re toxic.” I wined and I saw that Tiina shared my thoughts. We stared the bushes hungrily, anytime ready to jump on them and eat them out of those berries.

“You know what. Its taste remained me of glögi (mulled wine).” Tiina said all of a sudden.

I gasped and shot my eyes at her, because I had just realized something.

“It could be Christmas soon. Or even now and we wouldn’t know.” I cried out making Tiina to look at me. She looked horrified.

“I haven’t thought about that. Fuck…”

Then a thought crossed my mind.

“Let’s have a Christmas party!” I suggested. “I mean it. Why not? We can make us a Christmas dinner and we could mix these berries with coconut milk or water and pretend it’s mulled wine.”

A wide beaming smile spread to Tiina’s face and she nodded enthusiastically.

“Hell, let’s do that! Let’s pick these out and then I can go fishing and you collect coconuts and…”

And there the question of possible toxicity of red berries was forgotten.

It took us a full day’s work to build the feast but it was all worth it. It was already pitch dark but the stars and the bonfire we had build on the beach lighted up our festive grounds.

_“It's just another day_  
 _For you and me_  
 _In paradise_  
 _Para-para-paradise!!_  
 _Woo-ooo-oo”_

“Fuck the modern life! We live in paradise!” I screamed and joined back to signing Phil Collins with Tiina. Or just the chorus of the song; it was all that we could remember of it. 

We had just eaten our so-called Christmas Dinner with an exotic twist like mashed mangos as potato casserole, a mix of red flower, roots and coconut bits as rosolli and coconut as a fish just to name a few. To our disappointed we didn’t catch any fish that day but I had come up with an idea to carve us fish from coconut meat. They looked like soap and almost tasted like one but still it was better than nothing.

And of course, our own special drink, which crowned our meal. 

I leaned on Tiina’s shoulder and gave a wet smack on her cheek. I poured more our so-called mulled wine of Sauna Island to our coconut shell mugs and we toasted to us. The wine was a mix of coconut water or milk and those red berries we had found earlier the same day - we had bottled some of it to plastic bottles left from our craft. 

The craft itself was now ready and stood on a pride of place. It was our present to us both. Because this was going to be one of our last nights in this island. We would sail away to our possible tomorrow with it. And that made this party even more special to us.

I poured down more wine to my throat and I felt how the feeling of slight dizziness filled my head. It was impossible the drink was anyway intoxicating but we had agreed we would imagine it to be like it. 

But I had never thought I had this good imagination!

The world started to spin around us and we jumped up and down around our bonfire and sang silly Finnish and American commercial songs we remembered. I looked to the starry sky and was sure I saw a pink star…and a blue one…and a screaming yellow. The world was so beautiful and amazing.

“Let’s blow some whistles!”

We placed the orange whistles (those from our life vests from the plane) to our lips and we blew the hell out of them. I had to stop when a sudden pain shot through my stomach. It was knotting for no reason. I bended forward a bit and breathed slow deep breaths while rubbing my stomach. The pain eased soon and so we could again continue our partying.

Suddenly a distant tinny voice followed by a high shriek.

We stopped our dance and listened. The voice came again and we burst into joyous shouts. 

“You hear that? We have a bird here.” I spluttered happily and blew to my whistle again. When the voice reappeared with again that high pitched ending we clapped our hands and shouted our lungs out.

“Let’s call it DJ Wee-ek Wee-ek.” I suggested. That is how its voice sounded like. 

“Hey DJ! Play us a song.” 

And I blew to my whistle so hard that I had to cough afterwards. DJ Wee-ek Wee-ek answered to my call and soon we blew our whistles while shaking our bodies like we were in some techno raves. Our ears drummed wildly and our minds played their best dance hits. Even the world around us was quiet, except DJ Wee-ek Wee-ek’s calls, for us it was full of music and noise. 

Suddenly Tiina stopped dancing and hold her stomach.

“I hope..” She panted. “ ..that we just didn’t send him a…mating call.” Tiina said between her gasps, in serious voice. I fixed my eyes to Tiina’s and we stared each other couple seconds before we just burst into a raucous laugh.

“Well, we better watch our back tonight.” I laughed and hiccupped. “However, in my luck it will hit on me.”

“I bet he will. But I think Edward wouldn’t approve.”

I furrowed my eye brows. A disgust spread on my face.

“Don’t you fucking mention him! Now I won’t get any sleep at all!”

“Who said we-e-e need to slee-ep?” Tiina whispered with a wicked grin on her face and then suddenly blew to her whistle as hard as she could.

I joined her and we blew together with all our remaining strength and laughed like maniacs when DJ Wee-ek Wee-ek answered to our call with its distant tinny call. 

This was our night. 

We drank more our mulled wine, which made us dizzier, and danced around our bonfire, our own heart beats and DJ Week Week’s calls as our dance beats. We threw more and more wood and palm leaves to the fire so that in the end it grew huge in our eyes. The stars above us tinkled like a nature’s own strobe lights and the world spun the speed of the light with no brakes. And we went with it with no hands. 

No need to tell we had the wildest Christmas party on the entire Universe. 

We couldn’t care less if we would use all our dry wood we had collected last couple days. We couldn’t care less if it meant we might eat our food raw tomorrow. We couldn’t care less if the bonfire would burn down the whole damn island and us with it. We just couldn’t care less about anything at the moment.

Fuck the consequences; we deal with them tomorrow.

If we had one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any wild guesses what will happen next? ;)


	14. DJ Wee-ek Wee-ek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about this chapter a lot like how I would write it, would I merge it to another chapter or would I write it in Sauli's POV after all. I chose to do it this way - I hope you like it.

Special guest’s POV

On our way to our next destination, American Samoa, where we were supposed to restock our food supplies, our vessel’s engine broke down.

I wiped sweat from my forehead to my sleeve; the engine room was damn hot. Air there was barely breathable and it made me sleepier than I already was. I rubbed my tired, itchy eyes.

I had thought this trip wouldn’t get any worse than it already had.

I, marine biologist Marc Pinot, stood behind our captain who yelled orders to our engineer and cursed shamelessly. Corentin Cariou, the captain of our research vessel RV Étoile, was not either a bad man or boss– everyone in his crew trusted him their lives to be honest– but he was very temperament personality which most people found intimidating. For me though he reminded my late father, with whom I spent my first 17 torturing years in a small apartment in the heart of the Paris, the TV series about Jacques Cousteau and his undersea researches being the only escape from my hellish life.

I still wondered how I survived through it without throwing money to different psychologists.

But maybe that was the reason why I was able to endure captain Cariou and maybe that’s why he seemed to like me and in a silent agreement – although I wasn’t there and didn’t remember agreeing to anything at all– he had made me his left-hand man. And as it was captain’s right-hand man, the first mate and turtle specialist Nicolas’ turn to sleep, it was I who stood in this hot engine room with these two other men and wondered what I had done wrong in my life so far.

A shout in a foreign language woke me from my thoughts. I glanced at our dirty-face engineer who sat on the oily floor on his knees and most probably cursed. I wasn’t sure. I had never known a word of Greek in my life.

“Have you checked the oils? Maybe there’s a leak.” Captain Cariou said in French not caring what language the other man had just used. The engineer said something in Greek and disappeared behind the machines.

This was the thing that I still wondered.

The captain and the engineer – Anatolios, Nikolaos…whatever his name was – seemed still to understand each other perfectly well despite the language difference. For my own shame I had to admit that I did know nothing, not even his name, about our engineer who seemed to live and sleep in the engine room and understand French perfectly well.

Only that he was a Greek.

“If Georgios doesn’t get it fixed, then nobody can.”

That was the second thing. Captain never called anybody by his forename – except this Georgios. And vice versa.

I turned to face captain Cariou, who looked back at me very seriously. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I knew I had to say something but I was just too tired to think anything witty to say.

“He will. We cannot have more misfortune than we already had.” I tried to say in an assuring voice.

Captain Cariou just huffed.

“Monsieur Pinot, you got that right.” He said to me annoyed and furrowed his tick black brows. His whole face wrinkled at the same time.

I sighted. Damn I really got that right.

Almost seven weeks ago that plane full of American and Australian passengers had crashed down near the spot we had been supposed to go and study an endangered sea turtle species. We had had to postpone our departure, pick the plan B and also change our route which of course meant more planning, which meant more loss of time, which meant more costs, which meant extra phone calls and correspond to our employer IFREMER and our sponsors. Nobody had dared to approach captain Cariou without very good reason during that time.

But luckily we had got our extra money and permission to start the expedition. So a little over a week after our original departure date, RV Étoile had finally left from Nouvelle-Calédonie. But black clouds had darkened our path from the very beginning.

Everything had just gone wrong.

The accident had impacted the turtles more than we had expected making them to move their living area much further from the accident spot. We had spent days to find even a one.

Then we missed the hatching of the baby turtles. Or to be honest I thought that we had probably landed on a wrong island, even though, Nicolas had insisted that we were on a right one. He showed his maps and reports and they all showed that he should have been right but unfortunately the reality was what mattered.

And when that god damn storm, which forced us to land in Niue and stay there few days, had risen, captain Cariou had been almost ready to sink the boat, him and his bad luck with it.

And those were just a few examples.

Air in the engine room was getting stuffier and as I didn’t find any real reason for me to stay there I excused myself and decided to pour me some extra strong coffee. I climbed up to the deck with my mug on my hand to get some fresh air. Cool sea air made me little dizzy at first but my lungs welcomed it still.

I leaned on a railing and sipped at my coffee.

I glanced quickly over the dark sea and saw a shadow of an island before I fixed my eyes to the beautiful starry sky above me. I felt restless. Something bothered me but I couldn’t put a finger to it so I decided to take a second look to that distant island.

This time my eyes glued to the island because I was sure I saw light…

A distant whistle cut the silence activating every cell in my body. I was full awake now. I pricked my ears and listened. When a moment later the same high pitched voice sounded in the direction of the island I turned fast around and ran under the deck to report the captain about it.

Few minutes later me and captain Cariou barged on the deck and leaned over the railing. I grasped it tightly so that I wouldn’t fall over. We stared at the dark ocean and minutes passed but the only sound we could hear were waves hitting on the side of our vessel. As the minutes past by I felt how sweat began to form on my forehead and my heart started to pound.

Where the hell was that light and whistle? Did I just imagine it? I wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe it had been my tired mind.

When a couple minutes later nothing happened, captain Cariou growled and turned his head to look at me. His black eyes bored into mine.

“Monsieur Pinot, you’re sure that you…”

A new wave of distant whistles interrupted captain Cariou making him, and also I, jump in surprise. It was like an electric wire had hit on him then.

“Go to wake up monsieur Leblanc! And monsieur Bouchard!” He shouted his orders to me and twirled around and back like looking for something. A second later he continued. “And get me my binoculars, those with orange stripes…and megaphone!”

Fifteen minutes later we all four, me, captain, Nicolas and Pascal Bouchard (he was one member of our main rescue team – I was the other one), stood on a deck and studied the dark sea between us and the island. We hadn't yet switched vessel's search lights on as it had just disturbed our night vision. Captain Cariou had his binoculars on his eyes, even though, I doubt he really could see any better with them than we with our eyes in this darkness. Like usual I was wrong.

“There seems to be lots of undersea rocks. Very tricky.” He muttered maybe more to himself than to inform us.

My eye brow arched but then Nicolas whispered to my ear that they were a night sight binoculars. I mentally facepalmed me and my tired mind right there.

Captain Cariou adjusted his binoculars again and turned his head slowly with them from side to side several times. Frustration crept to his already wrinkled face.

“There’s no one on that beach!” He snarled annoyed without taking off his binoculars. “But I don’t see anything on the water too. Where the hell are they?!”

We other three put extra effort on finding some sign from those whistlers but it was no use. We either didn’t spot anyone who would need help. I turned my head to face Nicolas and Pascal and shook my head. Pascal just shrugged and took a box of hard candies from his pocket. While Pascal just stood relaxed and sucked on his candy Nicolas was getting visibly stressed. He still tried to find something from the ocean and his eyes wandered wildly across it. Minutes later he finally sighted defeated and turned his begging grey eyes at me. I shook my head but opened my mouth.

“I think they’re on that island. I saw a light there earlier.”

Captain huffed disapprovingly but he put his binoculars down. He still stared at the ocean.

“They’re stupid not to make themselves more visible to us! But we have to wait to morning. It's safer then."

Suddenly those familiar whistles sounded in the distance again and this time the captain put the megaphone on his mouth.

“Don’t worry.” He yelled in English.”We will com….”

Very high pitched skreek came from the megaphone making us all wince and put our hands on our ears, except Pascal, who coughed wildly and needed his other hand to hit his own chest hard. A moment later he spat the candy out of his mouth.

“What the hell…” Captain Cariou groaned and shook the megaphone. A silent tinny voice came out of it until it silenced. The captain looked at it warningly and lifted it on his mouth again.  
“Don’t worry. Please stay calm. We have noticed you and we will com…” The captain put the megaphone away from his mouth and coughed. Shortly he was shouting again to it. “We will come to rescue you. We will c..."

Again the megaphone distorted captain's voice making us wince again and take few more steps away from him.

Captain tried several times until he shouted angrily and threw the megaphone away. We others watched in a slight shock when it flew in a big arc overboard and our captain disappeared under the deck with a storm of curses. Nicolas ran after him.

Only a splash from the dark sea cut the awkward silence.

I gazed at Pascal who only shrugged slightly his lean shoulders.

“It was already dead.” He pointed out in his unique dry way and turned his gaze to the ocean. I followed his example and we watched when a yellow-reddish glow on one part of the island became more visible.

Captain Cariou was right as always. It was best to wait to the sunrise when it was safer to go to pick up those poor whistlers.

But I was sure that I wouldn’t get any sleep after this.

Early the morning, just few sleepless hours later, I and Pascal packed the rescue boat and left. The captain shouted us his final orders and advises before he waved and left to accompany Georgios. Everybody from our crew was now awake and they stood and waved on the deck and shouted us good luck and bring them home safe. I waved them back before I turned my full focus on the island ahead of us.

It looked totally different now.

The island was quite typical; long but probably not so wide in the end. And it was mostly flat, but I assumed that a low ridge was going through in the middle of it where the jungle was. On the left side there was a high almost upright rock. The forest on the top of it made it look like a caricatured human’s head like… Bart Simpson’s.

This side of the island was rockier. You could see tops of the undersea rocks when waves hit them and we thought it best to take our boat to the other side of the island and try to land there.  
Suddenly Pascal shouted me to look. He pointed towards the island, or actually above it.

There came smoke behind the jungle.

A relieved smile spread on our faces. Now we at least knew that they were safely on the island. The sight made me giddy and anxious to get to those poor people faster.

Ten minutes later Pascal turned the boat as we got in the other end of the island. I had been right. In no time we were on the other side. The beach was wider here and, with a quick look, safe to land. Further away we saw the source of smoke - a big pile of charred wood which still smouldered. But still we didn't see anyone there.

Pascal slowed down the speed and I leaned over the bow to look for possible underwater rocks. We drove nearer the fire spot before Pascal turned the boat towards the beach.

A little later we stepped on a beach and looked around.

Anyone could see that there were people here. A bigger pile of burn wood and a smaller one near it still smouldered and the area around it was full of coconut shells, plastic bottles and partly eaten fruits.

I began to wonder how many persons were here after all.

We walked along and looked around us. Near the forest line stood a simple shelter probably made of big branches and covered with a big green plastic canvas. In front of it were a stone circled fire spot and two big stones, probably as chairs. Little further away, on the right, was a pile of plastic bags and a dirty sharp shaped stone. Coconuts must have been broken by using it. On the left side instead lay a long trunk like some kind of a bench.

Just out of the blue a joyous male voice sounded behind us making our hearts jump to our mouths.

We twirled around and our eyes shot slightly open. In front of us stood a young man with a blond, sun burned hair which was messy and overlong. He was little shorter than an average man and skinny too. His tanned face was full of freckles with a light beard. The man wore just ripped denim shorts, which were too big for him on the waist but a curious plastic belt kept them up.

Everything in him screamed that he had been here longer than a day or two. And that he was drunk.

The man’s reddish eyes wandered a bit until they suddenly shot straight into mine. He started to speak rapidly again in a strange language and waving his arms uncontrollably around. I only understood a word sauna in his speech. Then he stopped and a wide smiled spread on his face showing his yellowish teeth, and he offered his hand for a shake.

This was nothing we had expected to see when landing here. I had been in action several times and always the rescued ones had welcomed us with cries and hugs and had been more than anxious to get on the rescue boat right away. Never had they welcomed me like I was their guest.  
I was so stunned that only I could do was to shake his hand.

The smile on the man's face stretched even more and he shook my hand with a stern grip. He then let it go and turned to offer it to Pascal.

Pascal was on the ball before me.

"Saoul, I'm Pascal. Do you speak English?" He said in English while shaking the man's hand.

Saoul's - if that was the man's name - eye brows arched and he stared Pascal a moment before he asked misbelieving;

"You're Paskal?"

He seemed to at least spoke English.

"Oui, I'm Pascal." Pascal repeated calmly.

Saoul cocked an eye brow at him without letting go of Pascal’s hand.

"Paskal? For real?"

"Yes, Pascal. And this is Marc." Pascal said and pointed at me with his free hand.

The young man didn't move his eyes from Pascal and I saw how amusement spread on his face. He bit his lips and blinked his eyes like he was holding back a laugh. My brow arched in question and I glanced at Pascal if he knew what was going on.

Pascal looked at me as much surprised.

Right then the man's self control gave out and he burst into a violent cackle. He let go off Pascal's hand and tried to mute his laughing by covering his mouth with his right hand and by looking somewhere else but every time he laid his eyes back on Pascal a new flood of laugh burst out of his mouth.

Me and Pascal just stood there our eyes and mouths wide opened. This Saoul's joke went far beyond our knowledge.

Suddenly Saoul yelped and he bent twice over. He held his hands on his stomach and gagged but didn't puke. We had been so astonished by his earlier behavior that we didn't grasp go and help him at all. And when my eyes finally got their message to my brains, he already stood up and held his hands in front of him. Saoul took a few deep breaths before he opened his eyes.

"I'm ok. Let's go to find Tiina."

And there we went again.

I noticed that he walk was a little unsteady. He also swallowed continuously like he had some irritated lump in his throat he didn't manage to swallow down.

But he hadn't reeked of alcohol.

I thought it still best to glance around while Pascal tried to talk with this Saoul guy. There had to be some booze here or something else which explained his behavior. I let my eyes wander around and they locked into those empty bottles and coconut shells… and I took a second look to those coconut shells.

Insides of them were pinkish instead of being normal white! I smiled triumphantly.

"So what happened to your boat?"  
Pascal’s question woke me up from my revelation thoughts and I forgot those pinkish coconuts for a moment.

The blond halted and turned to look Pascal with an inquisitive glance.

"What boat?" He asked surprised.

Pascal’s eye brows arched and a frustration flashed on his face momentary.

"The boat. “ Pascal said a little too sternly. “You said you had a boat. You sailed here, right?"

Saoul's eyebrows furrowed and he shook his head.

"No." He said like Pascal was a stupid or something. "We flew here. Like birds. And then we crashed"

"Crashed?" I asked a half astonished and a half shocked. The news about the plane crash almost two months ago flashed on my mind.

"Yeah.” Saoul said like it was not a big deal and continued. “You wanted to see our boat?"

Me and Pascal gave each other a side look again.

Boat? So he had now a boat? That poor boy was so lost.

"Yes, please." I said carefully.

The man smiled again and motioned us to follow him to another direction and we did so. Pascal gave me a meaningful side look but I ignored it this time. We were at least finally progressing here.

Suddenly Saoul stopped right in front of those too smouldering piles and his face stretched from a surprise. He stared serious the smaller pile quietly and it seemed his brains were processing what they saw - in a slow motion. Pascal tapped on my shoulder and then put his index finger to his temple and twisted it as showing what he thought about this Saoul. I had to say I agreed with him.

We stood behind Saoul few more minutes wondering why the hell we had stopped here. Suddenly he cocked his head slightly back and huffed.

"Oh. No boat. You wanna see something else?"

Me and Pascal just stared at him stunned, not comprehending anything at all.

The man looked at us expectantly. After a long while I finally got my mouth open.

"You burned your boat?" I really didn't know what I thought of when asking that. The piles were too small to be some ex-boat.

"It seems so." He said carelessly making even Pascal cough. He continued. "We built it a long time...Well...we just...need to start again." He shrugged and smiled again.

We exchanges quick glances with Pascal. This was getting even weirder.

Suddenly we heard a silent whine a little further away and when we look its direction we saw a girl, this Tina perhaps, walking towards us. She held her stomach. Saoul started to walk towards her while shouting happily something to her in that weird language. She scowled at her first but then she hugged Saoul, although, they almost trembled down in the progress. I ran to help them out.

The girl, Tina, looked at me surprised but then Saoul introduced us and explained something to her in their language and she also began to smile and babble.

"Welcome, welcome. I'm Tiina. So you gonna join our Christmas party too? Cool. Let's see if we find..."

She continued her babbling with Saoul but I didn't register anymore what they were speaking. My mind had got stuck on the word 'party'.

Party?! What the heck they meant with that? We had come to rescue them, not join to some Christmas party! Besides it wasn't Christmas yet. I just didn't understand anything anymore.

Before I could say anything the girl offered me a plastic bottle. On the bottom of it was pinkish liquid.

"There you go. I'm sorry. We seemed to have well... drunk most of it last night, but... Merry Christmas!"

She raised her bottle and the man joined her with his own one before they drank their drinks in a one gulp. I glanced quickly at mine before I turned to look at Pascal who shook his bottle and sniffed its contents.

He turned his eyes at me.

"It smells sweet but it's not alcohol. What is this?" He asked Saoul and Tina who had already begun to sing Christmas carols. Saoul continued singing while Tina stopped hers and spluttered out an answer to Pascal's question.

"It's mulled wine. Ok well, we...pretend it is it. It's actually coconut liquid and mashed berries, but plee-ease play with us, ok. We have drunk just brownish water and coconut milk for ages. Please. Drink your wine with us."

I glanced at Pascal and I saw he had also figured out the same thing.

"These look delicious." Pascal lied. "Could you show us those berries? I'm a biologist. I would like to know."

Tina looked at us apologetically.

"I'm sorry but we sort of...ate and drank it all. They were soo-o good. Can you imagine? First it's just coconuts and mangos and raw fish then fried fish then more coconuts with flowers and grass and roots and shit and...and...and...then...you see something what is sweet. Not like mangos! Like...candy."

She looked dreamily to the distance until Saoul punched her lightly and she joined back to his singing and dancing. Well, if you could call that jiggling a dancing.

I left they have their fun and turned to face Pascal.

"They must have eaten something toxic! We need to take these with us." I motioned the bottle on my hand. "We need to get them to our vessel as soon as possible."

"I agree but we need to know first are they the only ones here." Pascal said calmly and shouted over the singing.

"Is there anybody else here than you?!"

They both stopped signing and shook their heads.

"No." Saoul said but in a same second his face lit up in a revelation. "No, yes! There's George."

"And don't you forget Edward." The girl continued in a mocking way making the man to scowl at her.

Pascal smiled in triumph.

"Ok. These George and Edward." He asked slowly. "Where are they? Can you call for them?"

They both shook their heads immediately again making us flinch in surprise.

"George is five feet under and Edward doesn't take orders." The man explained and smiled a one side smile.

When he saw our brows furrowing even more he continued.

"He just robs our coconuts."

Right then Pascal had finally enough.

"What?! Wait... You say that...What do you mean that George is five feet under and Edward robs coconuts?! " He shouted making the others, and even me, tense immediately. "You don't make any sense at all! Now you two fucking stop playing with us and tell us where are the hell these George and Edward are so that we can all go to our boat and go hell out of here!" He shouted and smacked his left hand onto his right.

We other three stared stunned at him afraid of saying out a wrong word. Then suddenly Tina lifted her arm straight to her right and pointed out towards that high rock. My and Pascal's eyes followed to the direction where her finger pointed but we didn't see anything special at all.

"Are they there?" Pascal asked annoyed, pointing out to the same direction.

She shook her head.

"Just Edward. George is over there." She pointed out to the other direction. "But we rather stay out of his grave."

Pascal froze but his hard face melt. He probably now regretted his shouting.

"I'm sorry about your lost." He said quietly a moment later, embarrassed. But the girl just shook her head.

"Don't be. He was already dead." She said little sad but suddenly her mood switched 180 degree and she shouted happily. "Oh, and there's Edward!"

We all looked at where she pointed, behind those charred piles and what did we see - a coconut crab. A big, bluish coconut crab examing coconut halfs with his pincers.

I stared at it astonished. In an island like this there shouldn’t be coconut crabs. And unlike other crabs, they couldn’t swim. I just couldn't help myself. This was all just ridiculous. So absorb. So I shook wildly my head and started to giggle uncontrollably and soon everybody else but Pascal joined in my outburst.  
Pascal instead stared us irritated while he ‘fait la moue’. But I just couldn't stop myself, not until my eyes watered, my sides ached and the air ran out of my lungs.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked between my pants. The man's face lit up again and I prepared myself to another absorb answer.

“She’s the princess of the Sauna Island and I’m the prince.”

Bingo. I wouldn't have expected anything less.

“Why not king right off.” Pascal muttered quietly but the young man still heard it. He scowled at Pascal and scolded him.

“Hey! My man is the king and he sings with the Queen. So don’t mess with him.” He poked angrily at Pascal’s chest. “Besides Tiina here wanted to be a prince with double s’ like Super Sweet. “ He hissed the s’ overdramatically and turned to give kiss on young woman’s cheek. She giggled and pushed him away. The man just cackled and took couple wobbly steps before he fell down and cursed loudly.

My eyes popped wide open. It was weird how curse words were the ones that got stuck on your mind in spite of the language spoken. And I had heard that one before.

“They are Finns!” I gasped in surprise.

Pascal just nodded without taking his eyes off those crazy Finns who were now both on their knees on the ground and laughing like mad men while holding their tummies and groaning like they were in pain time to time. A bit later he commented dryly to my notion.

“Well. That explains.”

 

***

Three hours after our departure captain Cariou had started to get worried. We hadn't sent any sign that we were in trouble or needing any extra help.  
He had started to wonder where the hell we were.

The captain had seen the smoke. He had assumed that I and Pascal had landed on the island. So when the time past and we hadn't showed up, he had been almost ready to give up and call for a search party. But then he had seen movement on the right end of the island. Nicolas told me later that the captain had seemingly relaxed and even a little smile had crept onto his otherwise serious face.

Captain Cariou was a human after all.

When we approached our vessel, rest of the crew was waiting for us anxiously with the captain. I  
waved to them tiredly while trying to ignore sharp kicks to my tights and the muffled giggling under the blanket.

It had been a full time's job to get them to the boat.

Finally our boat banged on the side of RV Etoile and Pascal took the robes.

“Finally! I almost thought that Ankou had called for you!” Captain Cariou shouted while leaning over the railing with the other crew. His brows furrowed in question when he didn't see what he had expected.

"Where are they?”

Suddenly the planket lifted away and under it appeared Saoul and Tina and shouted overhappily a surprise.

The captain’s face was worth seeing. I bet he also hadn't seen anything like that. I give him an apologetic look before I begun to climb the ladders on the side of the vessel.

When I reached the deck the captain grabbed on my shoulder and pulled me aside.

"What was that? And why they have black teeth!" Captain Cariou asked furiously in French. His eyes demanded for an explanation.

To be honest...I had rather just walked past him straight to my bunk and forgot all this.

"We gave them medicinal charcoal." I explained. I rubbed my forehead and eyes. God, how tired I was.

"We think they have eaten some poison berries. We need to get them to a medical care as soon as possible."

The captain seemed to process a while this information before he nodded and said with a much calmer voice.

"Good job. I have informed the authorities in American Samoa about this but we're still too far for them to help us. Monsieur Leblanc!" He shouted and turned to face Nicolas. "Go to Georgious and say to him that he needs to get that engine working now!"

Nicolas nodded and ran straight away under the deck.

By this time had those two Finns been helped to the deck and the captain turned to them instead to interview them in his rough English. I could have warned him. But maybe he would get more out of them.

What was I thinking?

An hour or two later, after painful futile questionnaire and endless persuasions, we finally got Saoul and Tina on beds and locked in a cabin with water bottles and Pascal's last candy box.

I had assured them that they could have their own cabin party while we had to work, but we would come to join them as soon as we could. Meaning never.

Two other guys, who had helped us, left for their duties but me and Pascal, we leaned on the wall and sighted heavily. This sure had been a unique mission.

Not even a minute had passed when the Finn’s off-key signing sounded behind their cabin door. I buried my face to my hands and tried to hold back every cell in me not to explode right there.

Did they never sleep?

I felt a shrug on my shoulder and I opened my eyes.

Pascal looked at me with equally pained eyes and messaged with them that he would go now and bury himself under the pile of pillows with ear plugs. And headphones.

I nodded approvingly and watched when Pascal twirled around and left without saying a word.

I instead decided to calm my nerves before I would head to bed too. I so needed a smoke. Or maybe two. Or perhaps even three.

Before I stepped out on the deck my last cigarette packet with me, I heard captain Cariou’s angry shouting from below.

“If they do not stop that mewing soon, I will fucking throw them overboard! And you too Georgios! If that damn machine won’t work soon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.s. For non-Finnish readers: "Olen paskal(la)" = "I'm shitting"


	15. Saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't it a bit insane to use your free time in Friday night for writing and updating a chapter? I really do wonder...

Sauli's POV

The hard beat drummed against my eardrums and chest and I let it flow in me.

I opened my eyes to see the mass of dancing people in front of me. Huge bonfires around lighted up the party zone and BBQ grills filled my nostrils with delightful scents of corn, sausage and juicy beef steak (can you believe?!). The DJ stood higher on the booth and put the new tune on. Swedish House Mafia. The crowd and I were in heaven.

The world in front of me swung slightly but it was probably just the Mojito on my hand. I took a long suck of it and motioned the bartender to change it to a new one. Of course there were beach bars there too. With free drinks. And not just Piña Coladas without rum! The real stuff.

Suddenly I head a joyous cry and someone bear hugged me from behind making me spill my drink. I cursed the hugger, but in joke way, because I knew who he was. The grip on me loosened and I turned around to face Niko’s laughing face. I laughed too and we joked a while before he hugged me again and disappeared into the dancing crowd. I watched him going and joining in another group of familiar faces. They were all here: him, Leena, Lexi, Tommy…just to name the few. And they were having a blast. Laughing. Enjoying themselves under the beautiful starry sky.

I was the luckiest man on the Earth.

I felt somebody gently grabbing my shoulders and giving me a quick smack on my cheek. I turned my head to other direction and smiled when this time I saw Tiina’s happy face in front of me. She was too having the best time of her life.

I noticed that her hair was short now and her front was flat. She…or he looked absolutely stunning with a new stylish outfit. I gave Tiina a quick greeting kiss on lips which made her blushing a bit.

Suddenly a foreign shout cut the air and we both turned to its direction. My mood sank when I saw those annoying Frenchmen - the big nose and the grumpy frog - looking for us. To be honest they both had these big French-style noses but the kinder one's was just...enormous. Like an eagle beak.

The taller one spotted us fast and they both rushed to our direction, elbowing partying people from their way. Me and Tiina both twirled around fast and sprinted to the other direction into the crowd.

A while later I stopped to take a breath. I looked wildly around if I could still see our chasers. Luckily it seemed I had lost them. But I had also lost Tiina. I twirled around, peeking over the partying crowd while avoiding to be seen by those Frenchmen at the same time. But even how hard I tried, all I could see was a swaying mass of sweating bodies.

But then my breath hitched.

I saw him.

He was much younger. Pre-Idol. With his just died raven black hair down, eyes and nails freshly painted. And freckles still visible. He was searching for something or somebody, and when his eyes finally shot to my direction and locked with mine, the ground under me shook. He started to walk towards me, shoveling through the mass of partying people.

I felt my stomach filling with butterflies and my heart beat speeding up.

He didn't break our eye contact for a second all the way he walked right in front of me and stopped. He was so close now that I could feel his warm breath on my face and smell his familiar scent. He smelt the same as my Adam - the little older version of him.

We stood like that a long time, his beautiful eyes bored into mine, not toughing, just feeling each other’s presence. Then suddenly a radiant smile spread on his face making my insides turn into jelly. He slowly leaned towards me and I was sure he would kiss me so I closed my eyes and lifted my chin up a bit to meet him. My heart throbbed and I tried with my every cell avoid the butterflies from my stomach to climb up my throat.

But that kiss never came.

Instead feeling his lips on mine I felt gentle knocks on my forehead.

“Knock, knock. Time to wake up!”

And I jolted awake.

Shocking whiteness hit my eyes making me wince and squeezing them back close. I blinked carefully my eyes couple of times more but still the stinging pain went through them. I closed them quickly. As my eyesight failed me, my other senses kicked in and my ears picked up a familiar sound. Or it felt like so at first. The steady humming sounded so much like the sound of waves hitting on the shore that I didn't pay much attention to it. Not so much I did to the cool breeze on my face. I relaxed a bit but just for a second.

There was something very wrong in it.

I inhaled deeply, drawing air into my nostrils. Uneasiness spread around my body and mind. The air smelled weird. It smelled like…dull air. No hint of salt. No burning sand. It seemed that all the spices of air had suddenly disappeared or been erased away. It was too…well…clinical.

I prickled my ears and concentrated to that humming again. It also began to sound like unnatural, too steady. And it sort of way synchronized with the waves of breeze, which confused me even more.

I felt the pressure on my chest but it took me a while to understand it wasn’t a symptom of my restlessness. Actually, it seemed that my whole body was covered with something. The sensation felt actually familiarly comfortable, but it did nothing to ease my rising panic. My stomach tightened and a taste of bitter acid caught my tongue. I swallowed and put my focus back on material on and under me. I was lying on something soft. I carefully moved my fingers, scratching the surface under them. It was solid but it moved under my fingers and in a way it felt a bit hard and a bit hairy – if you could describe it that way. It was like...fabric.

This all together was becoming too much for me to process as blind so I urged my eyes to open to see what was wrong in the world. I slowly blinked my eyes open, stirring them. The whiteness wasn’t shockingly blinding anymore so I could try to focus my eyes now. This time I saw a brown circle with blurry, waving line above me.

What the hell could that be?

Slowly it began to shape in front of me, materializing into something I could name. But it didn’t stop my eyes open wide up at once and stare at it. My aunt had had one of those in early 90s. In California they still had those. But my brains couldn’t digest the fact why the hell there was a ceiling fan hanging above me, in the cloudy sky.

Slowly my eyes adjusted to the world around me and I suddenly understood that the sky was actually too grainy to be…well…a sky. Now even more confused I let my eyes wander around the surface of whiteness until they hit on a corner. It was a corner with three shadow lines. I just didn’t understand how it could be there.

I was totally bewildered now.

I decided to follow down the shadowed line until my eyes hit on something metallic. Before I could process it I heard an eerie sound near me. My eyes shot to the direction of the voice.

It was Tiina.

At first I was relieved to see her. She was on a sitting position, her messy hair loose on the other side of her pale face. But then my eyes picked up something wrong in the picture. It wasn't the hospital bed she sat on or the big poster of a sandy beach with palms and clear blue water behind her or an IV stand next to her. I really didn't register them at that time. But the item on her hands, which she was leaning over - that took my breath away.

A white bucket.

A white plastic bucket. A real fucking bucket!

But why she was spitting…oh…god…why the hell she was puking on that precious survival item?!

Despite of my arising happiness and sudden angriness I was now feeling myself quite dizzy, and seeing and hearing Tiina throwing up, made me feel insurmountably nauseous. The air smelled now a bit awful and my own mouth started to taste bitter and acid again. I swallowed multiple times to fight back the bad feeling. I would have so died for a cup of water…

“Well hello, mate! You woke up too. Feeling little dizzy there? Oh, it seems I need to get you a bucket too. Will be right back.”

My thoughts were interrupted by a foreign voice coming from a…erm…doorway? There was or actually had been a man standing by this…doorway.

Doorway.

And a red-haired man. In blue cloths.

My mind raced million kilometers per hours, spinning like hell, and I had difficult time to catch all these pieces of information and glue them together. My eyes wandered wildly around the space, now naming all the items in it; doorway, floor, bed, IV stand, bucket, poster, window, roof, ceiling fan, etc. All of sudden my brains gathered all the pieces together, and the revelation hit so hard against my mind and stomach that I leaned fast over my bed and threw up.

After my session I gasped for air and spat out acid saliva between inhales. When my insides steadied, I stared my mess on the floor. A horror crept in my dizzy mind. The mess on the floor was…kind of…grayish pink.

Had I just vomited my brains out?

“I’m back!” A cheery voice came from the doorway and the same man from earlier handed me a low-rimmed bowl while avoiding my mess on the floor.

“Please puke here next time, mate. Otherwise you put me into a big work.“ He laughed and nodded towards the vomit. He then took few steps backwards and grabbed a bucket full of soapy water near the doorway.

“I’m Rob by the way. I already had a little chat with your girlfriend over there before her last meal interrupted us and …” This strange man, Rob, just kept on talking and talking cheerfully and I stared at him as stupid. I had just realized we were in some hospital or medical centre.

But how did we get here?

Rob had now kneeled down and was cleaning up our messy floor while he babbled non-stop. I learned that we were in a hospital in American Samoa and he was a voluntary worker from Australia. Our doctor, who was his wife’s (who worked here too) cousin’s boyfriend’s uncle, was chatting at the moment with an old local lady he knew like since diaper age like everybody did everybody around here. But he would come soon to check us and the police too. Meanwhile Rob would take care of us and we needed anything we should just ask him. Then he began to complain about the current rain season, and like to make his point clearer, it darkened outside and heavy rain drops started to hit our window.

By the time Rob had cleaned vomit from the floor and Tiina’s bucket and handed it back to her and told almost his life story, I had finally managed to sit up on my bed and clear my head a bit. I still felt bad but throwing up my guts out had cut the worst peak of it. Not until now did I spot an IV stand next to my bed and the needle on my hand too.

“How we got here?”

Rob stopped his prattling and his eyebrow arched in question.

“RV Étoile picked you guys up from your island and brought you here. You don’t remember anything?” He asked genuinely surprised.

A picture of those two Frenchmen in my dream hopped in my mind but I shook my head a little because I still felt dizzy and couldn’t really concentrate to remember anything at all at the moment. Also Tiina lifted her head up from the bucket and whispered simple no while shaking slowly her head. She was still quite pale.

Rob’s eyes shot wide open. But then a smile spread on his face and he looked like he was laughing, even though, nothing came out of his mouth.

“Well, it seems you guys had quite a trip then.” He pointed out amused, poured water from bottle to a glass and handed it to Tiina. While he poured one for me he told us about the bottle of pinkish stuff, which had been sent with us. Their specialist had tasted and recognized it to be a mix of coconut milk and some berry, which name I didn’t catch. But eating those berries could cause for example hallucinations and nausea, which seemed to be the case in here too.

“But Doctor Feresa said it’s ok to let you get the stuff out of you by yourself. There should be no harm to puke it out.” Rob continued with assuring voice and took a good look on both of us.

“Even though I’m dying to know your story, I think I leave you guys now. Will come back soon with some soup. But you two - rest. Ok?” He said emphatically, which meant it was more an order than a question, and gave us the look under his reddish eye brows.

We nodded lazily for approval and again a smile stretched on his face before he left.

I lay back down and closed my eyes. I was so tired but also relieved. It finally had hit me and the thought filled my mind with pure happiness.

We were saved.

***

Maybe an hour or two later I felt a gentle touch and a shake on my shoulder and I blinked my eyes open. Rob stood next to my bed with a tray and my meal. I could smell from there the sweet aroma of the soup and it made my mouth water. The soup itself was nothing more than spiced water but its taste still made me go over the edge and almost cry. I had almost forgotten how many good flavors there were in the world.

We were still spooning our soups when Dr. Feresa stepped in our room and introduced himself. He was a short man in his 50s with black hair and light brown skin. He talked a while with Rob before he began to ask how we felt, examining us and explaining that, when all the paperwork was done, we would be transferred to another hospital in Auckland in New Zealand as we could now take the long flight.

I hadn’t noticed that Rob had disappeared until he stepped in the room again with some papers and sat down on the table near the doorway. Dr. Feresa turned around to give him some advises before he turned back to our side and explained that they needed our personal details for their records. When we nodded that we understood, Rob sang out happily from his table;

“Well, let’s start then. Your full names, please?”

And so we provided them our basic details and Rob wrote them down. When he heard us being Finns his eyes lit up and he told how he had watched Formula 1 as a kid and being the biggest Mika Häkkinen fan in his home town. He liked the Ice Man, Kimi Räikkönen, ok but he still wasn’t anything like Mika. He continued his babbling a while before he was woken up by Dr. Feresa that he was talking out of the subject and they continued asking us our details again.

About 40 minutes and five out of subject topics later Rob glanced quickly his papers on his hands and lifted his head up to look at us.

“Well, I think we reached to the most interesting topic. So guys. How did you get into this situation, meaning in that island? Can I read the report to them?” He turned his head to face Dr. Feresa, who said it was surely ok. His face lit up like he had hoped him to answer that and he grabbed a paper from a plastic pocket on the table. He then lifted his head up and looked at us with a mysterious glare on his eyes.

”It says here that you burned your boat or flew there. It’s little unclear. I think those Frenchmen unfortunately understood you guys wrong.” He huffed amused. “But this document is too hilarious to pass. Wanna hear it?”

I glanced at Tiina who just shrugged her shoulders. I nodded a silent yes to Rob but he hardly waited for that to begin his reading.

The further he got more his face stretched from amusement. Even Dr. Feresa shook his head in disbelief. Me and Tiina instead listened Rob in shocked silence and I could feel my cheeks burning.

Had we really said and done all that?

“So how is it then?”

Rob’s question woke me back to reality, but before I or Tiina could say anything, we heard a knock on our door and two officers stood on our doorway. They both looked like American footballers.

“You came just in right time, brother. Come in.” Dr. Feresa greeted the taller one and rushed Rob to get two extra stools. Officers Feresa and Lotomau introduced themselves to us and soon all together six people had squeezed into our little room.

“We were just asking Tina and…Was it Sowl?...Sowli here what happened to them.” Dr. Feresa explained to the officers and they both nodded and muttered something for an answer. Then Dr. Feresa's brother said something to his colleague before he turned to our side again and looked us seriously.

“I know that you are tired and ill, but unfortunately, we need to do this now. To make my point clear, you are in American Samoa illegally, but we won’t be arresting you for it, unless there’s no good explanation what happened and how you got into that island. I’m expecting a full statement from you. Jason here..." He motioned towards his colleague. "...will write it down and you can read it through before we will send it forward to authorities and your nearest embassy or representative so that you could get temporal approvals and documents for staying and travelling. Ok?”

We agreed to his terms and he motioned us to start. I took a quick glance at Tiina before I began to explain.

“Well, we...We didn’t actually fly to the island...or sail...but…we were both on a flight to Sydney. And..."

"From Los Angeles." Tiina stated out in the middle of my speech and I repeated her saying.

"From Los Angeles. Our plane crashed down and we were rescued to that island. We don’t know how or how long we were there but enough long for our taste."

I gazed at Tiina, who gave me a little smile. On that moment, the very first time, I really started to wonder how we got out of that plane. I wasn't sure and never probably would be, but when I looked in Tiina's eyes then and saw something there, deep in her, I somehow knew. I gave her back a smile, a silent thank, and I think she understood it. There was a blink of pride in her eyes before she turned them back at the officers, who were now staring us with a weird look on their faces. It made me for some reason cautious.

"What date is it?” She asked the others little hesitantly. The impression on their faces seemed to confuse her too. It took several seconds before officer Lotomau, who had stopped writing down our story, got as first one his tongue back.

“It’s December 18th, but do you mean you were on that Virgin Pacific flight to Sydney which crashed down almost two months ago? “

I stared at him with wild eyes. It wasn't Christmas yet, but nearly. But still. Almost two months? Was it really that long ago?

“I guess so.”

Silence fell again in the room. Everybody else was staring at us making me and Tiina more nervous. Rob’s mouth had popped open so far, it was a wonder his jaw didn’t unhinge.

“Wow…” He whispered in disbelief. A moment later he collected himself and looked at Tiina and me seriously.

“Seriously." He shook his head still little shock about our news. "If you guys are telling us the truth, you are lucky bastards. 'Cos then you are the only ones who survived from that plane crash.”

We stared bewildered Rob and then others, who were nodding their heads to assure us at he had told us the truth, and I mouthed out almost silent ‘What?’

We were only ones survived? From all of the passengers on that flight, just we two were alive. Oh my god...

While Tiina and I tried to digest the fact that we were the only survivors, the room seemed to fill with life again. Everybody else were talking over each others, like asking us more questions, wondering who all they should report about this and what to say to the local newspaper reporter who waited at the waiting room for the story. In the middle of the fussing, I suddenly heard clearly one question. I think it was officer Feresa's.

“When was that flight?”

It wasn't hard for me to remember the exact date. I had been running away that day.

“November 5th," I answered without any hesitation. Officer Feresa's brow arched a bit but he didn't luckily say anything. He only bid officer Lotomau to write it down. With his eye brows furrowed, Rob seemed to be in his thoughts for a while but then he shouted out suddenly making everybody shot their eyes at him in unison.

“That makes…42 days!”

My eyes opened wide. 42 days seemed more than almost two months in my mind.

“42 days…. Hmmm…." He continued. There was a sparkle in his eyes like he had just figured out something. "That’s quite a coincidence.”

The room silenced again and we others exchanged quick inquisitive glances before officer Feresa asked Rob a bit confused;

“What do you mean by that?”

“42." Rob motioned to my and Tiina's direction. "They were on that desert island 42 days. And they lived it through. ”

When nobody still seemed to understand him, he cocked his eye brow at us.

“You do know what 42 means?”

When we shook our heads for denial, Rob huffed loudly and carped at us;

“Well, some ones should read more Master Douglas Adams. 42. It’s the meaning of life.”

***

Rob basically lived the rest of that day in our room.

The interview earlier that day had exhausted us a lot, but me and Tiina still enjoyed his funny company. He treated us like royals, making us feel as comfortable as possible. Maybe it was what we had gone through or not, but we didn't mind.

Dr. Feresa visited us couple of times to check us and inform about the current processes with our case. His brother had informed the nearest Finnish embassy about us, but they were still, at that point, waiting for the embassy's answer and the documents. He also warned us that the news about two possible plane crash survivors were already spreading around the Internet. Of course no names or nationalities were told but still he thought it was good that we knew.

I caught myself wondering would also HE find it out that way that I was alive.

It was already dark outside and the end of Rob's shift when he suddenly left the room. For a moment I was afraid he left us without saying goodbyes - as we had just heard that we would leave to Auckland early next morning - but he soon come back with a mobile phone on his hand.

“I was thinking that you guys might want to call someone. Your parents maybe? To say you’re ok also in person. It's mine, but don't worry about it. It's ok."

Tiina and I thanked him heartily and Rob sat down next to Tiina and handed the phone to her first. She stared at it a while, tears in her eyes, but suddenly a bemused smile spread on her face.

“I don’t remember any mobile phone number.” She laughed little disconcerted making me panic a bit.

I realized that I didn’t remember any numbers too.

Tiina asked me to take the phone and make my call while she tried to remember her sister’s number. I leaned over my bed and took it. It was now my turn to stare at it in panic.

My mind was totally blank. Then suddenly one number popped in it.

With shaky fingers I tapped the only phone number I really remembered by heart; from the days when people did remember other's phone numbers and mobile phones were size of a small shoe box. The line crackled for a long time until it suddenly started to alarm. My body started to shake from anticipation and flow of other mixed emotions. I drew in a deep breath to calm myself down. I had just realized that I had no clue what time it was there and would he answer to some unknown foreign number when I heard the most familiar voice answering.

My voice cracked totally.

"Hi dad. It's me...Sauli."


	16. A choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was about to post this chapter at the same time as the last one, but...
> 
> Cannot promise a quick update, but will try my best. :)

Adam's POV

_"You won’t find right one if you won’t let go of the wrong one.  
You won’t move on if you won’t let past go."_

One precise, swift move and I nailed it.

The man in the mirror looked at me smiling and I smiled with him. Everything on him looked good. I couldn’t help feeling amazed how he had changed in past 9 days. He looked so different. So happy.

I looked happy.

Like I had woken up into a new morning, a ton lighter than in the previous day.

I grubbed gently my chin. I had shaved off my beard (Melvin as my fans called it) and for the long time it felt smooth - I could keep it like that for a while. With quick move I picked a loose hair from my left eye brow but I was careful not to touch my hair. I had used past a half an hour to get it right and it was perfect now. Every hair was on its right place.

Like they should.

Just a quick straightening of my jacket, which by the way was a dazzling piece of art with its smooth blue fabric with almost same-coloured embroideries, which teased the eyes so that you had to looked at it at least twice. As a bonus here and there they had used broader reflective yarn which made the jacket, in a certain kind of light, look like a starry night sky.

I loved it.

I was ready now.

I glanced quickly at the clock on my mobile screen. I still had about 20 minutes before my taxi would come and pick me up. First, I would do a quick promo interview in Mandy & Dale’s music show in a top LA TV-radio station, and then we would pick up Will from his brothers; he had had to work late because of some anniversary or wedding party and couldn’t get home in time to catch the taxi. The evening’s gala was the one I had agreed to attend a few weeks earlier and mentioned Will as my avec. I had also agreed, by the kind plea of the organizers, to perform in it. Only a one song though, but still.

The screen of my mobile blinked for the hundredth time in past few hours. I hadn’t paid much attention to it because I had been busy to get myself ready for the evening’s events. Besides, I had already made all the important calls.

This time I yet peeked at it. A smile spread on my face.

It was Will.

I grabbed my phone quickly and answered to it.

“Hi Wolfy. You finally got your hair done?” Will asked teasingly, but his voice was edged with exhaustion.

Poor baby.

“A matter of fact, I just did.” I answered him back proudly and I could almost hear his surprise on the other end of the line. I smiled victoriously. “How was your day, babe?”  
Will gave out a long exhale. So it had been THAT bad.

“Nightmare.” He answered dramatically after a second. “Remind me next time when I promise to help out in a Greek-Italian wedding held in an Italian restaurant that I should climb up on a roof and jump down ,so that I would break my arms and legs and wouldn’t need to go.”

I laughed and promised to do so. Will relaxed and continued with a much cheerer voice going through all the happenings of the wedding. It seemed that Greeks and Italians, even coming from neighbour countries, were not at all so similar.

“Who the hell puts fresh mint into their meatballs?! Wierdos...”

While I listened to his report in growing amusement, a random fly flew near my ear, distracting me. I shooed it away. A moment later, when Will was getting into the punch line of a story of drunken fighting great aunts, the fly appeared again. This time it flew annoyingly near from my face. I waved wildly my free hand again and almost dropped my mobile in the process. I frowned when I had missed the best part.

“Adam, what’s happening there?”

Will’s voice was concerned. I glanced quickly around the room but the fly had disappeared.

“Nothing. Just annoying fly. Will, listen. About this evening…”

It was a drag I had to stop him but I didn’t have much time until my taxi would come, and I always preferred to have some time of my own before interviews and such.

I leaned on a pile of plastic moving boxes, which were full of Will’s junk. There were three of them, each having three box piled on one another. I glanced at them and couldn’t help feeling a bit uneasy. But it had been a part of the deal – the make-up deal – that he would move all his stuffs here and be able to call my home his too.

It still gave me a strange sting somewhere in me everytime he said home and meant my house. But I thought it would fade away in time.

I at least hoped so.

In the corner of my eye I spotted the fly again but ignored it this time. I put my full focus on explaining Will what to expect tonight and what to do when we would arrive the gala hall. What happened next, took me totally by surprise. The ignored fly flew straight into my free ear and its high-pitched buzzing made me startle and jump in the air. It flew out before I could swipe it off and was now flying annoyingly around me like I was a fucking stinking corpse. I threw my arms wildly around the air, cursing and trying to kill the damn fly. Suddenly I realized that my both hands were alarmingly empty. I only managed to see my phone flying through the air a second before it hit on the opposite wall, and fell down to the floor with a smash. It broke into three pieces.

I watched in shock those pieces on the floor. I had thought that was impossible with these new mobile phone models.

“You little shit. You…are…so dead.” I whispered murderously to the fly and a second later attacked towards it with a massive battle roar. It looked like that the fly just laughed at me and my ridiculous attempts to end its days, and it continued flying around me like I was nothing but a random wind maker. I ran around my house, yelling, clapping my hands around, but the fly managed to always escape just in time. Just when I had cornered it in small area, where there was no chance for it to escape, my door radio buzzed suddenly dazzling me.

The taxi.

I fixed my eyes back at the fly, but of course, it had now disappeared and was nowhere to be seen. I cursed loudly. But I had no time to chase it now. The door radio buzzed again and I kneeled down to pick up quickly the pieces of my mobile. Then I took my outdoor jacket from the stool near the front door, put the pieces to its pocket and left. While walking toward the port I double checked that I had everything with me. When all checked I lifted up my head, but instead of seeing a taxi driver, I saw a bunch of green hair.

It was Tommy.

He straightened up when he spotted me. His face was reddish and sweaty, and he was breathing heavily like he had just run a marathon. He had a weird, wild look on his face.

I froze on my tracks.

What was he doing here?

Million options ran through my mind and none of them were nice ones. Maybe something had happened to his family, or girlfriend, or to our friend, or Neil, or mo…

I freaked out and fastwalked to my port and opened it hastily. Before I could ask Tommy what had happened he literally hopped on me and hugged me tight. I was even more alarmed now and all these earlier thoughts of death relatives or friends twirled in my mind. I hugged him back even tighter.

“What’s wrong? What have happened, bro?” I asked him concerned, my heart in my mouth, even though I had tried to sound so calm and secure.

Tommy didn’t answer; just hugged me tighter and I let him. We stayed like that probably a minute. Then all of sudden he let go of me (I did of him too) and took a step back.

He scowled at me.

“Why the hell you don’t answer to your fucking phone?!” He suddenly yelled to me angrily and pushed my chest so hard that I had to take few steps backwards to keep my balance. I stared at him wildly and totally confused.

What the hell was that?

I gazed at him hurt, but Tommy didn’t care to explain his reaction. Instead, he kept going on his barking.

“Me, Sara and Danielle … Fuck! We all have tried to reach you. Where the fuck have you been?!"

I picked up the name of Sara on his sentence and for a moment I was confused. Why SHE would have tried to contact me?

“At home. Getting ready for tonight’s gala.“ I said to him a bit annoyed but worry edged my voice. “What’s going on?”

Tommy’s hard face softened a little and he blinked his eyes couple of times. The corners of his mouth curved up a bit.

“He’s alive.”

His voice was light, almost joyful, and he stirred his eyes like he was trying to hold back tears. But I was even more confused now. Who was he talking about? Then I thought about it. He had just said that Sara had tried to call me but it couldn’t be that. No. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t.

“Who? Tommy…who’s alive?”

Tommy’s eyes shot wide opened and he stared at me like I was crazy.

“Who? Who?! What do you mean who? Sauli! He’s alive, Adam! He’s fucking alive.”

Tears he had tried to hold back started to roll down his cheeks, but he smiled. A radiant smile. If he said anything else, I didn’t hear. He could have hit me with a hammer and I wouldn't have noticed. My world had just shaken from its grounds.

“He’s dead.” I whispered not believing a word just heard. Tommy just shook his head to me and repeated his saying.

Sauli was alive.

But it wasn't true. That, what he said. It just wasn’t true. No. Sauli was dead. Simply dead. I shook my head. I couldn’t believe how he dared. Why was he lying to me and saying that he was alive, when everybody knew he died in the plane crash?

I could feel anger climbing up my spine.

"He's dead." I said, my voice still small, but I stared straight into Tommy's eyes with my eye brows furrowed. Forming tears pricked my eyes and I pursed my lips together.

Didn't he understand how cruel his game was to me?

”You’re lying.” I hissed angrily before he could say a word. “We saw the news, Tommy! He’s dead. He's dead, dead, DEAD! You just don’t like Will and don’t want me to go to the gala. I know it! Don’t play with me Tommy. He’s dead. He’s just…dead!“ I cried out and I cursed Tommy to open up the almost healed wound. I didn’t care anymore if I would ruining my foundation or hair. I just wanted to run back to my house and cry in my bed.

Tommy breathed in and out heavily. He then took a step towards me and tried to grab my shoulders but I pushed his hands away. But Tommy-boy was a stubborn-ass friend if he wanted to be that. He attacked me, bear-hugging me so tight that I couldn’t move properly. I cursed silently him and his ass-strong guitarist’s arms.

“No Adam.” He whispered sternly to my ear when I had stopped squirming. I felt moisture on the edge of our attached cheeks. “He’s alive. I have talked with Sara. He’s alive. Believe me, bro. He’s alive. He’s alive.”

But it was still so hard to believe. I had had so long wished, that despite all the facts, he was alive, that when I had finally accepted him as dead and moving on, it was even harder to believe that I had been right all along. That he was alive.

But Sara had said he’s alive. I wanted a reassurance.

“Sara told you he’s alive?”

Tommy left out an unintentional laugh.

“Yeah. She tried to call you, and when she couldn’t get through, she DMed me via Twitter. The bastard rescued to some random island with another passenger and they found them there. He’s in New Zealand now, bro. He’s in the hospital and alive.”

Tommy stressed the last word and laughed out again. He repeated me that he was alive so many times that I slowly begun to believe it too.

The tears of relieving joy started to stream down my cheeks and a smile stretched on my face. I grabbed Tommy around my arms and hugged him tight, and we both left out a happy cry. 

My god. So it was true. Sauli was alive. I would so need to talk with him now. No. I desperately needed to see him, after all this drama, I needed to see him. I would tear myself apart if I didn’t do that now. 

“I need to see him.” I let go off Tommy and looked around for the taxi, but then I realized something. “But I can’t. Will. The gala. I need to go there. But I need to see Sauli. I need to. But I can’t cancel it now. Oh fuck, Tommy. What should I do?”

I looked desperately Tommy for an answer but he just shrugged and gave me an apologetic look, like saying he couldn’t make out the decision for me. 

I raked my hands through my hair and fixed my eyes to darkening sky. 

What I should do?

“Mr. Lambert?”

A strange voice interrupted us and we both twirled around to see a taxi driver standing in front of his car. He looked at me expectantly.

I totally paralyzed.

WhatshouldIdowhatshouldIdowhatshouldIdo mantra went on in non-stop repeat in my head while I stared at the taxi driver and tried to decide my next move. I had things to attend but I was also desperate to see with my own eyes that Sauli was truly alive.

But sometimes - you just simply didn’t have any choices.

“I need to go now, Tommy.”

***

The car jolted and I startled to awake from my thoughts.

I sat in my taxi wearing my now a little wrinkled outfit and my hair a bit messy, but I would deal with them later. I rubbed carefully my eyes, not to irritate them more. The busy city with its neon lights flowed past me but not enough fast for my taste. I hurried the driver to drive faster.

I was already late. A big time.

I glanced quickly the clock on my mobile screen – luckily it still worked after its rough flight - just in time to see it blinking. I stared at the name on it blankly. 

Will.

He was probably pissed that I had not called him, instead of just sending him a short sorry text, but I just couldn’t make me to tap the green button and talk with him. Call me a dick but I was still shaky from Tommy’s news. When the blinking stopped, I switched the phone off and put it back on my jacket pocket.

Not now.

It felt like hours before my taxi finally drove to a ramp in front of a tall, glass covered building. A big, bald security guy was already waiting for me there.

And paparazzis.

I paid for my ride and thanked the taxi driver before getting off the car. The very second I stepped out flash lights surrounded me. I glanced at those four hyenas annoyed, wondering what they were doing here, but then one of them started to ask about Sauli and I frowned. 

So everybody knew it now? 

I gave them just one tired smile before I hurried inside the building with the security guy at heel. I sometimes forgot how fast news traveled around these days. Damn Internet.  
Inside the security guy guided me to this nice-looking lady around her 40s who had come to meet us at the lobby. We shook hands and she greeted me friendly saying that they had expected me to come earlier.

I accused the traffic. I did have called them.

While we walked towards the elevator she talked fast, explaining their policies and rules, and I nodded without paying any attention to them. My mind was in a totally different world. I didn’t register anything what happened around me until she begged me to sign some paper and handed me a special visitor tag. Then she said something cheerfully and the elevator doors between us closed making me jolt wide awake.

I had expected her to show me the way. Instead, I stood in the elevator with the security man. 

The awkward silence fell into the elevator and I put my whole focus on staring at the floor numbers, which lighted up in their turn. Higher we got, faster my heart seemed to beat.  
Was I doing the biggest mistake of my life?

When we reached to the fifth floor the elevator slowed down and then stopped. The doors opened with a bling and the security guy gestured me to follow him. I nodded and we stepped out. I followed him along long corridors, turning right and going through doors and so. We passed dozens of people, and I could feel time to time people staring at us and hear them whispering behind our backs. I followed the security guy in silence, concentrating on my own breathing because I was sure I would fail to do it if not monitoring it. Or if not it, then making sure it wouldn’t explode into million pieces from the stress.

What was I doing? What if I chose wrong? What if my place was in other side of the ocean? With the other one. I still could run away and take a taxi to the airport.

But at the very second I shook the thoughts out of my head.

This was my choice. And I would stand by it. Besides, those paparazzis had sealed my statement. I would make myself a fool if I ran away now.

Our walk felt a small eternity. But finally we stopped in front of a door where a big sign stated ‘No trespassing’. I couldn’t help thinking what a coincidence it was.  
The security guy showed his card to a censor and door started to open automatically. He gestured me to step in first.

What a gentleman. But I had never taken harder step in my whole life.

I stood now in the beginning of a corridor of four doors and big glass windows and my heart started to race faster than ever. I think my stomach went into a million knots.

Luckily I didn’t need to take these last steps alone or otherwise I might change my mind.

Suddenly a walkie-talkie crackled on the security man’s belt and he looked at me apologetic before answering to it. I fixed my eyes at him, cursing silently him into seventh hell if he was going to leave me alone here.

I didn’t hear a word he said to his walkie-talkie as my ears were throbbing like million drums, but I didn’t need them. As he lifted up his eyes and glanced at me in a way, which was a mixed of frustration and apology, I knew he had to leave.

If possible, my stomach got into even tighter knots.

As said, the security guy begged his apologies that he was forced to go to help with some intruder but he pointed to the end of corridor and said to me to go there. I thanked him hastily as he opened the door and fastwalked away. The door closed with a loud click and I was left standing there alone.

Just great.

I fixed my eyes back at the corridor and especially at the last big glass window. I could feel strange nervousness creeping up and invading my already messy guts. I stood glued to the floor and stared the door which would seal my choice.

If I did this, there was no turning back.

But was I jumping out of the frying pan into the fire? Was I ready for the storm of questions?

I started to walk slowly towards the door, gathering up every piece of my certainty. But too soon I stood right behind the door. I could hear talking behind it, which soon changed to music.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

It was always easier to face hard things your eyes shut.

I knocked on the door and opened it when I heard a louder voice asking me in. I entered the room and, when I opened my eyes, my heart skipped a beat.

Oh no…

A moment I thought I had entered into a wrong room.

Instead meeting two pair of eyes I met only one, but even before them, I faced the most horrified scene I could have imaging at that moment: an empty bed. Clean and made. Same kind of which usually in every hospital TV- shows means that the person, who had lain on it, was…was…

I felt tears of fear forming into my eyes.

“Erm..Can I help you?”

I jumped on my spot and I shot my eyes to left. I then met those pair of eyes I mentioned earlier. They belonged to a girl, who sat on a chair by a small table. An open book was in front of her.  
But something in her made me tense.

The very moment our eyes connected my heart clenched again and panic crept in my tired body. This was a last place I had expected this to happen. And there was no way I was ready to face all the coming drama right now, not at this moment of time.

So my luck. So my fucking luck.

In a rising horror I watched when she first stared at me, face blank, blood slowly running away from it, when her brains were processing the recognition, and when it finally did so, and her eyes shot wide opened and her breath hitched, I begged my apology hastily and turned around.

I had definitely entered into a wrong room.

Definitely.

And I needed to get out of here. Now!

“Adam...Adam! Stop! He’ll be here soon. Sauli will be here soon. Please, don't go.”

I was a half way out of the room but I halted immediately from a mention of Sauli’s name. I twirled around and looked at the girl quizzically.

How did she know he was here? And how did she know he would be coming soon?

I gazed at her maybe a bit too hard because she swallowed and seemed to lose her tongue again. I gave out a long exhale to relax myself and softened my look as much I could. It still freaked me out a little that she was a glambert. 

"How you know..." I started but right then she got back her ability to speak.

“Well…he is…I’m…." She stuttered while glancing me shyly, then away and back at me again. Her eyes didn't seem to know where to look at me. Almost a minute she tried to find right words and I tried to wait patiently. For real, I had to control every cell in me not to turn and leave the room forever. Suddenly her eyes fixed straight at mine, her face stern, which make her eye brows furrowed a bit. 

"He’s just seeing Doctor Wellis. And I was with him. There. In that island. I’m the other survivor.”

I was totally knocked out. I stared at her my eyes and mouth open and for a moment I didn't believe her. But then, how ridiculous it all had sounded to me, I couldn’t help a laugh bursting out of my mouth. My whole body relaxed at the same time, making tears of relief running along my cheeks.

It was in same way so funny. And just so Sauli.

It was so his luck to rescue into a random desert island with another Finn. And not with just any Finn – but a Finnbert.

***

I didn’t know was it nervousness or her characteristics, but there seemed to be no end for Tiina’s babbling. 

I sat on the edge of Sauli’s neat bed, which, I learnt, he made every morning. A habit, which seemed not to be easily washed away. Tiina told that they rather sat around the table or walked around than lay on the bed doing nothing. However, their room was full of books and magazines and I couldn’t help commenting on her cloths; a quality sweat pants and long-sleeve shirt. Quite expensive ones. 

“Oh, we had been spoiled by the owner of the airline company. He had made us feel more than royals really. He also brought us mobiles. We got them today.“ Tiina showed her dark wine red phone; a model, which had been published just a week ago. Then she went on about their time in the island, and those annoying media representatives who were fighting for the exclusive right for their story.

They had denied every offer.

I slowly zoned out again as my anxiousness to see Sauli grew inside of me. My hands were trembling a bit but I hide them under my tights. 

I spotted words here and there from Tiina’s story but I had to shake me awake when she mentioned Edward the Scissorhands. If she had been talking about anyone else, I would have accused her for lying. But when talking about Sauli, I could just believe anything. I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised if they had escaped from that desert island with a help of a flock of dolphins.  
I smiled when I pictured Sauli riding on a one silver liner and screaming ‘Yay’.

Tiina stopped her story, when somewhere in the distance, came a loud click following with a sound of opening electric door. She turned to face the open room’s door. I imitated her and could feel blood running out of me.

“Oh, he’s coming now.”

When Tiina had said that, we heard the most familiar laughter coming from the corridor. It was like a thousand lightning had struck on me at the same time. I literally stopped breathing.  
Sauli!

My heart started to beat ever faster and my eyes became moisture as my emotions flared up in full force. I wanted to stand up and run to him but I couldn’t control my legs. I could hear him speaking with someone and his voice came all the time louder and louder. 

And then suddenly…he was there.

He sat on a wheel chair pushed by a young red-haired nurse. His face was turned to her and he kept babbling on about…something. I just didn’t register what. I just sat there and stared at him. I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth. My emotions were twirling so wild inside me that my hands were now visibly shaking and I could hardly breathe. I tried to swallow and fight back the flood of tears but, when Sauli turned his head around and I saw those beautiful ocean blue eyes of his, I totally failed. He looked so fragile. He was so pasty and skinny. His sunburned hair was now blonder than ever and looked little wiry. His chin wasn’t as bristly as I would have thought so he had had an opportunity to shave. But now you could see his cheek bones more clearly.  
My god he had so thinned down…

Yet those blue eyes had stayed the same. Clear and so deep that you could drown in them and never return. I just couldn’t help it anymore. I burst into tears. My eyes were like two giant waterfalls but still I couldn’t break my gaze on Sauli. 

I was so afraid he would somehow disappear in front me if I looked away. 

Even though my vision was blurry I saw that Sauli had also now tears in his eyes. And then…the most beautiful thing happened…he smiled. 

Oh god, I had missed that smile.

My little sunshine.

In front of me.

Alive. And smiling.

I could have exploded into pieces with pure happiness.

If I still had had any doubts about my choice, they were washed away at that very moment. Because this was my choice.

And it was the right one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one to go. How did you like this one?


	17. My Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before I let you guys read the last chapter of Sauna Island, I want to thank you all; have you read just few sentence or being with me all the journey. You have no idea how important this journey has been for me.
> 
> I know that you maybe hoped and my intention was to play more with the glambert/Sauli thing, but losing the last version of chapter five plus all the shit the spring brought to me, I was nearly quitting the whole project. Luckily, my friend made me change my mind and I know now that I had regretted it, if I had stopped.
> 
> So I thank you for your kind words and kudos and I hope you like this chapter too. :)

Sauli's POV

“And that was the last one.”

Jenny, our nurse, pulled out the needle and put the tube full of my blood on the rack, next to other two tubes. With a swift, professional move she cleaned the small wound on my forearm and placed a sterilized cotton pad on it.

“Just press this one for me, please, and I’ll be right back. Okay?”

I nodded. She smiled to me her sweet nurse smile, stood up and hurried to the lab with the tubes, leaving me alone sitting in Dr. Wellis’ room with my rising dizziness. I closed my eyes and breathed slow deep breaths. Almost two hours of different kinds of check-ups, which couldn’t be done in our room, and the therapy meeting had worn me out. All I wanted now was to go to sleep. Luckily, these blood tests were my last duties for this day.

But to be honest, I felt fine and I would have been ready to go home already but Dr. Wellis had insisted that we stayed here at least a week. I frowned, but what I was to say to that. She knew it best, righ. In the end she was the doctor here. And if I thought about our provider, she was probably the best one in whole damn New Zealand.

Our provider, or how we called the owner of the airline company, had made sure that we were treated like royals. When he had heard about us he had stopped his vacation and flown all the way from South Africa to meet us in person. He was a very charismatic person, and even it had been his plane and all his effusive generosity made me feel a bit uncomfortable and doubt his real intentions, I couldn’t help liking him from the first meeting. He hadn’t forced us and had backed us up not to be needed to take part in the press conference he, the hospital’s PR persons and New Zealand authorities had arranged about our rescue. And he had visited us every day; bringing us magazines, books and other entertainment stuff, cloths he had made us choose from some catalogue and making sure we had everything ok, and that we had got all the medical care necessary. Just this morning he had brought us our own mobiles, a brand new model, with pre-paid calling cards. I had been too coy to ask amounts on them. I was sure we weren’t talking about in 10 dollars or such.

This morning he had mentioned the Christmas for the first time, which was in Finnish standard, just one day away. He had been sorry to say that he would be needed to go back to South Africa to continue his vacation with his family, but if we wanted to spend the holiday with ours he could maybe… We had politely refused his kind offer. Besides, Tiina’s sister was on her way from Australia to Auckland to spend the Christmas with us and get Tiina to her possible new home. And I preferred the Christmas without over-concerned mother and sisters fussing around me all that time. I would meet them soon.

I opened my eyes and glanced quickly the clock on the wall. I frowned again. It was already past 7pm. Sara’s work day had just started and I had promised to call her before it. She had tried to call me multiple times when Tiina and I had been on our daily walk around the hospital. It was mainly from our room to the cafeteria as we didn’t have pass to most of the areas, but it was better than nothing. I hadn’t noticed the small light blinking on my phone when we came back because the radio, we had it on all the time, had just begun to sing out a too familiar, humming melody.

Right when women started to remember sitting by the rivers of Babylon my hackles raised. I was about to charge to and smash the damn machine, but luckily, Tiina was quicker. She tuned it to another station, where the host was just about to present a new hit song from the dance charts – Go Bananas, Co-Co-Nuts by Alaleah D.

Nice beat but no need to tell we weren’t too keen to hear that one either. After furious tuning we settle with Radio Kiwi and Paloma Faith’s New York.  
For some reason the song made me think of Adam, and it made me a bit sad. As the last chorus went on I couldn’t help thinking that he had fallen in love with a man whose name was William Ratti. He had took his heart away, and if you asked me, also poisoned his sweet mind.

But I would do something about it.

But back to the subject. It wasn’t just a little time before I was to go to my check-ups when I realized that Sara had tried to call me. She had also texted me ‘CALL ME!! Need to talk to you’ but I counted that she must be sleeping at that moment. So instead, I texted that I couldn’t talk now, but I would call her before her work day would start. Few minutes later my mobile had begun to ring but it was already too late. Our other nurse, Abby, had just come to take me to my first tests. 

I knew Sara would so let me hear about this, and hard.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud bang on the doorway. I lifted my eyes and saw Jenny coming with a wheel chair. I furrowed my brows. 

“Oh, don’t you even start, Sauli!” She scolded me with a smile.” You know it’s a protocol. Besides, I don’t want to hear your whining any extra week, because you fainted and smashed your head into trillion pieces.”

I huffed, but amused now. Jenny might been young, but she sure was a spicy case. She would become a fantastic nurse, if not already was.

I took a support on the armrest and lifted myself up. Jenny wheeled the wheel chair next to me and helped me on it. I was surprised how weak I felt, and I had to swallow down acid saliva which had come up. 

Maybe Dr. Wellis was truly right. 

I was still away from being totally healthy.

As Dr. Wellis’ room was on the second floor and ours on fifth, Jenny pushed me to the elevators. It took a while before it blinged and the left-side doors opened.

Suddenly a shout came from the right side of us.

“Please, hold the doors!” 

We turned our heads and on the hallway came three security guys, two of them holding a small man from his arms while one followed them right behind. The man wore a long white coat but nothing in his habitus said he was any kind of a doctor. More like opposite. His head swayed from side to side as he tried to talk sense and persuade the security guys to let him go. He would only ask just a one question. Just one. Please let him at least talk to them.

The elevator doors were about to close, but just in time Jenny placed her hand on the censor and they opened again. The others pushed the unknown intruder inside while the guard, who followed them, nodded us for thanks.

Right then the man lifted his head and his eyes shot straight to mine. 

“Sowli...? Wait! Sowli! Oh, fuck off!” 

The man tried to struggle off the hold of the security guys, but they just tightened their grip on him. 

“Sowli! I’m James Darrell from OK! Australia. Can we talk? Oh, fuck you!” He spat to the other security guy, who shouted him to calm down. He tried to free his hands but without luck. 

“Let me go, you morons! I need to ask him about A...”

His voice trailed off when the elevator doors closed and the light of the 1st floor sign flashed. 

The situation was over so quickly that we both with Jenny just stared stupefied the closed elevators doors. A moment later she pressed the up button and the doors opened with a bling a few seconds later. She wheeled me inside and pressed to the fifth floor.

“That was weird.”

Jenny just hummed for the answer, her forehead wrinkled of concern. I looked at her carefully. She looked a bit annoyed, like something was bothering her. I wanted to ease her troubled mind so I said to her in a soothing voice. 

“Don’t worry. I’ve got to use to that.” I waved my hand in the air. “That wasn’t even bad. Think what my friend has to deal with in daily basis.”

Suddenly Jenny’s face lit up and she whispered to me slyly.

“Well, you what? You guys have a guest.”

When I tried to ask her for more information, because it was quite late to have any guests, she just smiled at me mysteriously and asked me to watch out as she wheeled me out of the elevator.

For a second hope flashed through my body, but then I shook my head mentally and reasoned that, as it couldn’t be anyone from my family, it was probably some New Zealand prominent person or the Finnish ambassador or some other that kind of person. Otherwise, they had said to him or her to come back next day.

Jenny interrupted me again by asking if I had called my mother yet and I totally reset my thoughts about the visitor and began to babble about my first call to my mom (or more like me listening my mom crying and repeating she loved me and me calming her down) and the incident with my first attempt to contact my folks.

It hadn’t gone all too well.

My dad had hung up on me.

I had been so shocked that I had just called for my dad, Rob’s mobile still on my ear, until I had almost screamed his name. Rob had tried to ease me down and taken the phone from me. He had thought it best to call himself to my dad. I had been so upset that I hadn’t twigged to warm him that my dad did speak just a little English. Although, it would had been just a waste of time because, before Rob had had a change to introduce himself, my dad had yelled something in Finnish at him and hung up again.

Next time a female voice had said that the number couldn’t be reached.

My mood had sunk totally. 

My own dad…just had hung up on me…Hadn’t he recognized my voice? His own son’s?

With heavy mind I had gone to bed that evening and next day stepped in a plane to Auckland, New Zealand, with Tiina and two nurses.

A bunch of people had been waiting for us at Auckland airport. We had been escorted to a business terminal where medical staff, a representative of a Finnish embassy and Auckland authorities had been waiting for us. Our survival had hit the news and the ambulances had had to slow down many times not to drive over some reporter before they had got off the parking lot.

We had been informed then, that by now, our families had got the message that we were alive and they were waiting us to call them as soon as possible.

It still breaks my heart to remember those calls to my family. I probably had not cried so much my entire life.

To light up the mood I started to joke about Dr. Shori and his persistence of finding the ultimate trauma from anyone who stepped in his room. Soon we were in front of the door, which lead to the isolation area where our room situated. As they all were at the moment empty, they had thought it best to put us there so that we would have some privacy.

Jenny wheeled me along the corridor to the last door on it while I still continued joking about my therapy session, my head twisted over my shoulder so that she could hear me well. 

“Then he suggests that I like draw “our” island and write words which describes my feeling towards it. I was like ‘what the fuck’ so I…” 

I stopped in the middle of the sentence as the expression on Jenny’s face suddenly changed. She glanced down at me, again that mysterious smile on her face and she cocked her eye brows in a way which signaled me to look forward.

I reasoned that this mysterious guest of us was still in our room and I turned my head a little annoyed. 

I swore my heart skipped few beats.

I would always remember when I saw him for the first time. When our eyes locked and electric wipes crossed my body and I just knew – just knew it right away that this was it. The thing. The legend. The path I was mend to follow. I almost felt the same now. However, this time I was sure I was dreaming. That I would soon wake up in Dr. Wellis’ room and be told I had fainted and hit my head. That it all had been just a dream. 

A sweet dream.

But how I tried to shake me awake mentally, I still saw those two beautiful grayish eyes, now glittering because of tears pooling them.  
I had never thought I would see them here.

So I stared surprised Adam, who sat on my hospital bed, looking at me from tip to toe a concern look on his face and then quickly boring his eyes into mine again. His hands were visible shaking. A second later the dams on his eyes broke down and the flood of tears began to stream down his cheek. He gasped for air, but still he didn’t break his eye contact with me.

I can’t describe how shocked and happy I was that Adam was there. This was all I had wished for but being too afraid to hope for.

Oh, poor Adam. It must be horrible to see me like this; shabby and on the wheel chair.

My own eyes watered and warm feeling of love filled me inside. He was here. For me. And before I noticed, a smile spread to my face.

The expression on Adam’s face changed at the same time. It wasn’t anymore concern or sad. Instead, joy conquered his face and a large grin spread on it. That made my smile widen, which stretched his. And so we smiled to each other, while tears fell freely down on our cheeks, grinning like two complete fools.

We stayed like that a minute or two before I couldn’t take it. I wanted to go to him. So I started to stand up from the wheel chair, but before I noticed anything, I was hanging in the air in a bridal style and carried to my bed by Adam. I was too surprised to nag him that I was perfectly capable walking by myself.

Gently as possible he sat down, me still on his arms, and placed me so that I was sitting on his lap while leaning on his left arm. Then with a quick move he wrapped my torso and pulled me into a hug.

“I thought you were dead.” He mumbled against the crook of my neck with a heartbreaking voice and sniffed.

My heart clenched a bit and I petted his upper back, squeezing my eyes shut and rubbing my cheek on the side of his head. His hair was dirty but it still smelled like Adam. I drew his heavenly scent in me.

“I’m sorry, Adam. So sorry.”

His shoulders shook again from newly started crying, so I hugged him tighter and stroked the back of his head. 

I opened eyes again and just then I noticed that we were the only ones in the room. Nurse Jenny and Tiina had left without saying a word and I couldn’t ever thank them enough for doing so. I wanted to see Adam’s face so I leaned back, which made him to lift up his head. I placed my right hand on his cheek and traced gently over his cheek bone with my thumb, drying tears on the way. 

“You came to…see…me?” I whispered in awe. It was still hard to believe that he was here, in New Zealand. Thousands of kilometers away from LA. 

“Of course. You’re alive.” He sighted and swallowed back tears. “I came the straightway when I heard you’re here.”

My face stretched into a smile again, but it backed out a bit when I glanced down. The jacket Adam was wearing was nothing he would wear just any day. It was one of those ‘see me, it’s me” dresses. It was well-cut with fine blue fabric, but it had something which made it…glitter. It was hideous. It made him look like those old show pianists in Las Vegas.

“Nice jacket.” I muttered while fingering the collar of it, my eyes still fixed on its glistening fabric, too afraid to lift them up. My heart had just sunk, and I didn’t want to show it to Adam.

I cursed myself for reading too much from his arrival, giving myself false hope. Obviously, he had had a concert or a show to attend here and that’s why he was here. Otherwise, he had only sent me flowers and a card.

He hadn’t flown all the way across the Pacific to see me.

Adam said something but I ignored it as a new feeling filled me inside. 

Guilty.

Memories of the previous time we saw each other swarmed now in full force in my head. After all, I had hit his boyfriend and cowardly just ran away. I had never got a chance to say I’m sorry.

Until now.

Without a warning I gripped the lapels of Adam’s jacket, and with my back curled, I bored deep into his chest. 

“I’m so sorry, Adam. Imsosorrysosorry…” I started to babble my apologies, tears streaming violently down again.

Adam gasped from surprise and for a moment he didn’t seem to know what he should do. He tried to interrupt me but I just kept on repeating apologies, my head down and eyes shut. Grasping his jacket ever tighter. When he understood that the sides had changed now, he began to stroke gently my back, hushing and whispering soothing words to me but I was deaf to them. Instead, I continued more stubbornly and bored even deeper. I was trembling now and I could feel the front of his jacket getting wet from my tears.  
But it seemed that he couldn’t care less if I was going to ruin his jacket or break it. He took me into a tighter embrace and kissed the top of my head while holding back his own tears. He gently rocked us, hushing, trying to calm me down.

“No need to be sorry babe.” He continued with a soothing voice “I’m sorry you had to go through this. But you’re safe now.” 

I could feel my own heart explode after he said the last part.

But I needed to make peace with someone if I ever was going to win Adam’s heart back again. So, I loosened my grip from his jacket and brought up my head to face him. Adam frowned a little when he saw my wet, red face and he lifted his hand to wipe it with his sleeve.

“Where’s Will? Is he at the hotel?”

Adam’s hand stopped and his puffed face turned suddenly serious, making me cautious. He turned his head away and furrowed his eye brows. 

“He’s in LA.” He murmured in a low voice, still looking somewhere in the distance.

My eyes shot wide open. I had thought Will was going to be those boyfriends who would follow him anywhere he went. 

“In LA?” I asked amazed. “Why?”

Adam stayed silent for a long time. It looked like he was trying to choose his words carefully. I gazed at him wary. I was wondering what was wrong, when he suddenly shrugged his shoulders and shot his eyes straight at mine. He said it so nonchalantly that my eyes and mouth shot wide open.

“Probably burning my house down.”

***

Adam stayed until we were allowed to go home. He just made a short trip to Japan by the request of his label but he flew back as soon as he could. When he came back, he wasn’t happy to learn that he was asked to book a hotel room because he couldn’t sleep near us anymore. Thanks to Jenny he could have been able to sleep in one of the rooms in the corridor, but when he had been in Japan, we had been removed to one floor down, because the isolation area was needed for some family. We had also been signed to a different nurse, Greta, who followed strictly hospital rules, which meant Adam couldn’t be with us out of the visitor hours. Angry and defeated, he had booked a room in a same hotel where Tiina’s sister was so that they could walk together to visit us. 

Four days before the New Year Dr. Wellis said I was allow to go home but I insisted I would stay there as long as Tiina. I didn’t want to leave her alone. So couple of days later, when Tiina was healthy enough, we booked the flights (via our provider) with just one hour difference.

It was unbelievably hard to cut the cord that had bound us together. 

“Please, don’t blow it this time. And don’t let him too. Okay?”

We were standing in front of the escalators, me and Tiina, and hugging like it was the last change in our lives. And who knows it probably was, but living with each other almost two months in that desert island and surviving it had formed a strong, unbreakable bond between us. I trusted her. Even being a Finnbert, I also trusted her not to spill out stories that we had agreed to keep on ourselves on what have happened or said on Sauna Island. 

And that was much.

I smiled to her whispered plea and nodded my head a bit. I knew what she meant. And I didn’t mind her saying it out. 

We tightened our hug for the last time, before Tiina’s sister said they needed to go, and we said our goodbyes. 

And then, she was gone. 

I watched after her stepping on the escalator and disappearing under the floor. I sighted loudly and I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes. I suddenly felt so…empty. Adam, who had stand next to me all that time, took me to a one hand hug and kissed the top of my head. 

But it all felt so unreal, like a hallucination. 

Was I ever on that island? Had I just imagined it all? Was it all just some… bad dream?

An hour and an half later we were boarding plane towards London. There we would continue to Helsinki and later home. As we were airline company’s “special VIP guests” we were seated to the best seats of the plane near main exit and all services, and we were treated with extra care. But I wouldn’t have cared less to be honest. I just wanted to go home in Finland and see my family as soon as possible. I had called Sara before we would be needed to get on our plane. I didn’t want to make the same mistake I did last time. 

Just in case… JUST in case. 

Adam held my hand during our take off and after it. He would let it go only if I was needed to go to a toilet or take a little walk on the aisle. And when I returned he would grab it right away not letting it go until I again needed it myself. He was so sweet, thinking that he needed to protect me. He must have sensed my nervousness but seriously…who wouldn’t. I had never been afraid of flying before but now all horrible scenarios kept running through my head and I couldn’t concentrate on anything properly. But Adam eased me by talking and babbling about everything between earth and heaven. I was so grateful that he was here with me, next to me. And if it was up to me - for good.

We were eating our dinner when an annoying fly appeared from nowhere. I had never before met a fly in a plane, especially this annoying. It buzzed around us and didn’t leave us alone. When it landed on last bits of my warm meal, which for me was a five-star-meal after weeks of coconut diet and hospital food, I declared a war against it. 

All this time Adam had followed the fly with his eyes without saying a word. He looked at it suspiciously, in a way like he was trying to figure out a puzzle.

I instead put my whole focus on killing it, tensing my body and holding my hands in the air ready for the attack. 

The fly flew right above us, and when it decided to take another sample from my meal, it started to descend in a big circles. And when it hit the spot…

Slap!

I was careful not to open my hands so that the body of the dead fly would not have fallen down to my muffin or water. Then with a fine arch, I tapped it away with my index finger from my open left hand, ignoring few seconds later the gasping sound of some random passenger further ahead and his complains that there was a dead fly in his coffee.

I turned my head to say something to Adam, but I stopped my tongue when I saw Adam’s horrified look. He was looking at the direction where I had tapped the fly.

“What?” I asked him concerned.

It was like Adam hadn’t heard me so I repeated my question again. His bewildered eyes fixed on mine and then, like he had woken up from a dream he blinked his eyes and shuttered, 

“Oh, nothing. Nothing. Just…nothing.” 

He shook his head and waved his hands in the air and then turned his focus on the view outside. I looked at him carefully. For a moment he stared just straight out of window, his brows furrowed. But then suddenly a smile spread on his face and he left out a little, almost soundless laugh.

I cocked my eye brow at him.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

Adam turned his eyes at me, quickly glancing me before he turned his focus on the entertainment panel in front of him. 

“Oh, nothing. Just nothing. Shall we watch the Birdcage?”

I gave Adam a questioning look but he ignored me and tapped the screen. Soon he offered me the other piece of the headphones I couldn’t do anything else than huffed smilingly and accept his offer. I leaned my head on his shoulder and prepared myself to a funny blast by Robin Williams.

When the Keeley’s and the Goldman’s were having a dinner Adam turned head a bit, careful not to make me to move mine, and whispered something to me. He then put his focus back on the film like he hadn’t said anything special. 

But I’m sure he knew. 

I missed the whole dinner scene while I was basking on what he had just said to me. 

That mine were the best.

The best of them all.

My meatballs.

The lights in the cabin had been already dimmed down when the movie finally ended. I still leaned my head on Adam’s shoulder and watched out to the dark starry sky, which was glinting beautifully. Noises around the cabin had quieted down and it felt like there were no one else than us in the whole universe.

Then Adam spoiled it.

“The label asked me to come back to LA. Something job-related.”

My dream world shattered and my heart clenched. I had thought he would come with me all the way to Finland, but it seemed now he needed to hop off the ride in London.

“So you gonna take the flight to LA from London then.” I said out a bit heartbroken. I didn’t even try to cover my disappointment.

But Adam shook his head. 

“I promised to your sister I would take you home.” He told me sternly, like it was the most important job in the world. “Work can wait.”

The knot around my heart loosened and a small smile broke out to my face. I bowed my head and stared our enclosed fingers, melting now under his sweet protectiveness, but still uncertain what was all this. What we were. What our status was. 

There was only one way to find out.

“Home?” I asked him testingly, glancing at him under my eye brows.

He gazed at me a bit confused, his mouth ready to repeat his last saying, but he shut it quickly. When the revelation hit on him, his eyes lit up and the sweetest grin ever spread on his face, making my insides go jelly and heart explode.

“Home.” He whispered the word gently but in a way which told a thousand words, while looking straight into my eyes. And before I noticed, I had grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me, crashing our lips together, melting into one.

I wasn’t sure where we were heading to - towards a success or our third failure - but I had him at this moment of my life and that was all that mattered to me now.

And always would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wohoo!! I made it. Time to choose from two topics my next project. Hmmm...

**Author's Note:**

> P.s. I'm sorry for any weird choice of words or bad grammar. English is not my mother tongue. Plus no beta.


End file.
